Sometimes, ONE plus ONE doesn’t equal TWO. In other words, just because TWO things can go together doesn’t necessarily mean they should. Sometimes they equal ZERO, no matter what.
In my many years of practicing Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and many years as a Private Investigator, I have continuously come across the same “common denominator” within relationships; Unresolved childhood trauma. Unresolved childhood trauma affects, both, relationships with your significant other, as well as the relationship between children and their parents.
Many children that experience physical, verbal, or sexual abuse tend to transfer this pain onto their adult relationships. Without being professionally resolved, many of these cases evolve into “Martyr Complex” AKA “Victim Complex”.
Victim Complex is simply when an adult who has experienced many years of trauma or abuse as a child, subconsciously sabotages their livelihood and/or happiness through their adult years. Victim Complex and Self-Sabotage typically go hand-in-hand. Adults that have spent their early years as a victim find ways to keep the momentum of this emotion. It’s all they know how to feel. In other words, when everything is great in their life, they feel uncomfortable because it’s outside their perception of reality. Bad is good. Good is bad. Completely backwards.
Individuals experiencing Victim Complex, unfortunately, need an “enemy” at all times. For there to be a “victim”, there must be an “offender” to complete the equation. This usually falls on the shoulders of close friends and family members. Until this trauma resolves itself, the victimization will continue. Worse than that, these traits can easily be passed along to the children of these adults. The circle continues, and continues, and continues.
Thankfully, there are ways to dial this behavior back. Any “learned” behavior can also be “unlearned”. Once a person understands this, their pathway to emotional freedom becomes clear.
First, we need to bring the underlying trauma to the forefront. It HAS to be acknowledged. It HAS to be spoken about. The further down it is pushed, the more power it GAINS.
Secondly, for every action or emotion we display, we must understand that it originates from a neurological trigger. These triggers create immediate responses. Once a person’s triggers are discovered and tightly wrapped into a box, then they simply require a replacement through Anchoring, Reframing, and Mindset Shifting.
Lastly, anyone experiencing Victim Complex or some other symptom of childhood trauma, need to polish their motivators. It’s quite easy to list your motivations or goals in life, but it’s another thing to actually be guided by them. You can’t be “tunnel vision” on your motivators if trauma from the past keeps your mind occupied. Basic math. Understandably, this isn’t the easiest task to pull off.
Nevertheless, adult relationships that are affected by childhood trauma from one or both partners is, unfortunately, very common. Before a person can work on their relationship with children or a significant other, it’s imperative that they work on their self, FIRST. In that order.