The most common question I get asked everyday is “how are you?” And the most common answer I give is “good.” The truth is I have been struggling with anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
I never thought I would write about this one but I need to get my feelings out. This is something no one loves to talk about but it is more common than I realized. I hear more and more stories that are very similar to me. These thoughts and anxiety started when I learned that I was pregnant and still continues after my son’s birth.
My thoughts took over my mind. My thoughts are that everyone hates me, no one wants to help me, no one thinks that I am good enough. My thoughts reminded me that I will never be a good mother, so why even try. My thoughts told me to stop trying and give up. My thoughts said that I was unloved and no one would ever miss me. My thoughts said that I should kill myself now before my son really gets to know me. My thoughts told me that I will get to meet Jesus sooner and I won’t feel pain anymore. My thoughts told me that I would be happier if I just did it. My thoughts said that no one reaches out or wants to be your friend. My thoughts seem to be winning the battle. I was beginning to believe it all.
“Thoughts of suicide are a reflection of mental and emotional trauma, not a weakness of character. Even righteous people, like Paul and other ancient prophets, have felt weighed down and in deep distress. You do not need to bear this alone.”
I keep thinking if I distract myself by serving, reading my scriptures, exercising, and taking medicines that all my problems will go away. It seemed to help in the moment but my thoughts usually would come back when I was alone. I couldn’t live my life nonstop. I need to rest and care for myself. I felt unsure and trapped. “Right now your problems feel like they’ll last forever, but you have no idea what tomorrow will bring or what next week will be like. You can work through your problems, and you can take steps to improve. Things will get better. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, has said, ‘Even after the darkest night, the Savior of the world will lead you to a gradual, sweet, and bright dawn that will assuredly rise within you.’ So hold on; there is hope.”
But reading these words didn’t seem to help. There is hope but I don’t believe there is anymore. One thing that surprisingly helped me was attending a funeral. The funeral was of a young teenage boy who took his own life. I used to babysit this boy and spent some time with him in his younger years. During his funeral, I learned that he struggled with mental illness and sensory disorder. He tried and tried to overcome everything but eventually the voices won the battle. My struggle is different. I get very angry easily. I get sad for unknown reasons and sit in bed all day. I get anxious going to events, church or many crowded places. I think of ways that I can take my life. I struggle but I know that I am not the only one. The funeral put my mind in a different perspective. It didn’t make my thoughts go away but it made me realize the reality of the aftermath of taking your own life. I truly began to understand the effects that it has on other people that you leave behind.
I keep turning to the thought that I would be with Jesus and Heavenly Father sooner. I would get to talk to them and understand everything. It is tempting to think this way. I want to say the gospel accepts suicide and I would not get any consequences for my actions. Deep, deep down I know this is not true but it is easy to think about and dream about. This thought reminded me of a blog that I started a little while ago when I was at my darkest moment…
warning this is a little disturbing
“I am in quicksand. Every move I make I sink deeper and deeper and deeper. Every part of my life seems to be falling apart. I try to read my scriptures every morning; I try to serve people; I try to be better. I am trying yet I still feel like I am falling in this never ending pit. I am grasping at the edges slipping because there is only sand to grab on too. Why can’t I get out? Why can’t I get over this? When will I get out of the quicksand? Will this be my new normal?
Why does no one understand that this is too hard for me? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to keep trying because there is no hope because I will just make a mistake again.
I want to die…
I don't have the guts to kill myself though. Maybe pills? I don't know. This depression never seems to leave me alone. I want to fall into that hole and never see anyone ever again. It would make me so happy to die. My pain will be gone because that is what the Savior said. I will be perfect after I die. I will have all the knowledge. It seems like the answer to me. I don't see the perspective of living on this earth. I don't see why I should keep living. Umm, maybe I could jump off something? No, maybe a car crash or like a skiing accident. Umm, it would have to be a time when I am alone and that's not very often. Maybe in the morning when I go running. I could do it then
I think my best bet is pills… makes the most sense. I can do it when no one is around.”
This is where I ended the post. It is hard for me to read. I can’t believe that I used to have dark thoughts like this. “We know there is power in counseling with others. When Moses was very burdened, his father-in-law Jethro came to him and gave him wise counsel, saying, “Thou wilt surely wear away, … for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone” (Exodus 18:18). Similarly, when you talk to someone you trust about your thoughts of suicide, you can find strength, relief, and added perspective. Trust that Heavenly Father will guide the person you choose to talk to.”
The hardest part is learning that I might have to live with my extreme mental health throughout the rest of my life. I keep comparing myself to the past but I will never be that person ever again. That is what keeps me pushing is that I am always changing. I may have some bad moments but I can overcome that and be better in the next minute, hour, day or month.
This is part of my healing. I am not putting this out here for you to feel bad for me or to reach out to me. This is telling a story to help others understand that they are loved and not alone. At some point, most people struggle with a mental illness. This is for you. I am here for you. God is here for you even when it doesn’t feel like it. I understand that the hardest part is reaching out. You are brave and you can do it.
These are a few things that I have found helpful through this journey…
Exercise: even if it's slow walking outside
Sunlight
Have a fun activity each week that I look forward to ( you could do daily or biweekly or even monthly depending on you and you feel)
Showering
Writing out my feelings
Serving (include yourself)
Put yourself in someone else's perspective. Could even be a pet you owe
Think you can have a bad moment doesn't make it a bad day
YouthLine: Text teen2teen to 839863, or call 1-877-968-8491
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text Hello to 741741
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