Let me tell you how I came home early from my mission. I was a rumbustious almost 19 year old who was about to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was bouncing off the walls excited to go to the warm weather of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. There was going to be so much on my plate because of the unknown of the mission, first time being on my own, companions, and so much more than I ever realized. Everyone feels nervous, excited and scared before they go on a mission and that was exactly my feeling but mostly scared. But it is also the best feeling to think that you get to dedicate two years or a year and a half just to the Lord and come closer to Him. I was super excited about that. That cleared some of my fear but I was most frightened of my first step.
First step: Missionary Training Center. The MTC is training for new missionaries to teach the gospel to the whole world. I spent three weeks there. It was the longest three weeks of my entire life (or that is what I thought at the time) because this is when all the drama happened. My buff companion (I am pretty sure she was a secret bodybuilder) decided to play my favorite sport, basketball. Oh boy, I was excited to compete with her. I was ready to do anything to win. I was a 19 year old girl, did you expect me to lose? It was going to be a challenge because “nevertheless, she, being large in stature.” I was dribbling back and forth but the ball bounced out of my hand. I had to run for it. I was not about to let the sister bet me; I may be a little bit competitive. Reaching out of bounds, I caught the ball. I barely made it but it was my excitement that got the best of me. Turning back, the leg planted decided to stay that way. I twisted it. When I fell, I was laughing uncontrollably. As one would think when they are in pain. You should laugh. No one thought I was hurt. Would you have seen someone fall but was laughing about it. So I played it off, I limped over to the medical people. (not really sure). They suggested resting it.
We waited to see if swelling and pain would go down the next day but it didn’t. We had to go to the doctor. I was upset at myself; I was only limping a little bit. This has happened before. What was the difference? I kept telling myself this. I wasn’t prepared for the news to come. After an MRI, poking my knee, and many other visits the news was bad.
“There is no bad news, only news. Tie Wang has escaped. Oh, that is bad news.”
The doctor told me I had a really bad torn meniscus, almost completely gone and a torn ACL. They would have to send me home to fix it. My mind went blank.
Second Step: Go Home? This is when the internal thoughts and struggles began. I started to think that I was useless such as I couldn’t kneel during prayers, it took me longer to get places, I couldn’t exercise with my companion, and I could keep going. My brain, or in other words, Satan was attacking me. He suggested that God never wanted me to be his servant. He suggested that I was a disappointment. That was the hardest thing for me to hear. A disappointment. This was my worst fear. I was supposed to be a missionary. Why was this happening to me? Didn’t God want me to be a missionary? I have done everything. I have only been at the MTC for a week and half. I wasn’t angry at God but I felt that he was disappointed in me. Or was I disappointed in myself? I wasn’t good enough to be one of his servants so he had to send me home. I didn’t know what to do so I put a smile on my face and finished the MTC strong for the next week and half before I went home. I thought maybe this experience will change me or I was supposed to help someone in the MTC but I also had the hope to return to my mission someday.
This was part of God’s plan. He knows the bigger picture even when we think he has abandoned us in our darkest time. This was one of the darkest times in my life. It was the disappointment lingering around. I didn’t know what my purpose was or where I was going? I did what I was told. I went home to get knee surgery.
I recently found this song that has helped me understand a little bit more of God’s plan,
“Sometimes I am afraid, And I know that's lacking faith But I'm beginning to understand, That for me you have a plan..”
I did not understand God’s plan at that point of my life.I was afraid and lacking faith. I am not proud to share this but at this time of my life I have not read the scriptures or been turning to the Lord. My parents encouraged me but I couldn’t do it. My focus was on the disappointment from God and the judgment of people. I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure.
These were some dark days for me but I still had hope that I will go back on my mission someday. You think that if you don’t read the scriptures or turn to the Lord. That you have nothing to do with the Lord that He is gone, not in your life. You are wrong. He is there. He was there when I didn’t pray to Him each morning. He was there when I was crying out in pain. I didn’t know that at the time but God cared for me even when I did not do what he wanted me to do.
I still had that hope. That hope helped me stay as close to the Lord at the time. God was giving me another chance.
God gives you second chances and another chance and chance after chance. He knew that we were going to be weak and helpless. I was at my weakest point in life but God still gave me the chance to repent to become the person who He sees everyday. His daughter. I am Heavenly Father’s daughter who dearly loves me. That statement is so common that I forget how real and important it is. It is hard to believe and easy to forget. But that is what is so beautiful about the gospel and second chances.
Are we ever really lost from the Lord?
Elder Gong stated, “The scriptures have taught me that I am never truly lost, because the Father’s Son was dead and is alive again. No matter where I am, I can be found by Him. I find great hope in the assurance that none of us—no matter our circumstances, no matter how alone we may feel, no matter how much we may sense that we cannot connect with the world around us—are ever lost from the Lord.”
God knew that my knee surgery would bring me closer to him in a way that I was not expecting. He was not disappointed in me. God found me again. I was His lost sheep who he loved. I know that you hear this often that God loves you. Read the scriptures. Pray. Go Minster. Go to Church. Do all these things but I think the biggest thing is to hang onto the hope. You can hope one day you will be better. You can hope one day you will get a job. You can hope.
Have Hope. Stay Strong and Follow Christ.
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