I recently had my 8th surgery during my short time here on earth. This has been over a period of about 14 years. I don't know what Heavenly Father wants me to learn. Why does this keep happening? Have I not learned yet? Will I know why or is it something that I will never learn? I feel as though I try so hard to follow the gospel, but always end up failing. What does Heavenly Father want me to do?
As I have studied the topic of trials, the Apostles and leaders of the church constantly repeated that we can learn and grow from our trials. I was struggling to comprehend this statement. Yes, I will learn and grow, but what if I never learn what my trial is about? Why do I continue to have the same trial over and over and over and over? Have I not learned the first time? Is that why it is repeated eight times? Is this my new normal? What do I need to learn? What am I missing?
There have always been so many questions like these going through my mind. I kept feeling like God was not answering me. I thought it was a simple question; what does God want me to learn from this experience? Why couldn’t He answer this question? Wasn’t it good to want to be better and learn from my trials?
Helaman 12:3
“And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not remember him.”
Was He trying to help me remember His goodness and love? I was beginning to question the Lord and why He chastens His people. But I was also questioning what I was doing wrong.Was I turning away too many times? Do I keep forgetting God? I decided to turn to my husband for help.
My husband and I were talking about my son’s, Leo, naps and sleeping. I was sad about him crying randomly throughout the night and during naps. Nathan expressed that it is like Heavenly Father. He will always return and be there for us. Leo has to cry sometimes but I am there. Likewise Heavenly Father is supporting and caring for us but sometimes we have to “cry”. Sometimes it might not be the support that we wanted but He will always be there. Or was He helping me from a distance and I couldn’t feel or recognize Him?
Continuing to study, I came upon a story from the Liahona. The author, Mindy Selu describes her experience after a major break up.
"So, the fact that throughout mortality we will be tried is pretty well established. What isn't explicitly set forth is that many of our trials were going to be meant specifically for us. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained that there are not only challenges in life which are "common to man[kind]" but also “customized trials such as experiencing illness, loneliness, persecution, betrayal, irony, poverty, false witness, unreciprocated love, et cetera.” He noted that “we … came ‘into the world’ to pass through our particularized portions of the mortal experience” and how we often forget “that some tests by their very nature are unfair.” Elder Maxwell also taught that “the customized challenges are often the toughest and the most ironical.” But the trials that affect you the most are also the ones that change you the most.”
-Mindy Selu
I don’t feel like I have changed from these experiences. I wasn’t sure what I had even learned at this point. I began to wonder if someone else needed to learn from my trials. What if someone needed to serve me during those times? But this didn’t feel right to me. So I continued to search and pray. What was I missing? Is He even there?
This was gnawing at me too much. I didn’t want to keep searching for answers. I felt like I had tried searching for so long but the answer would never come. But God is so graceful and patient with us. I stopped searching for a while. I lost that hope. He put this video in my path.
I saw this video and it touched my heart. It felt like God was talking to me through this man. It made me realize that God has been here the whole time answering me. The best solution is just to put a link and you can watch it for yourself instead of me trying to explain something so beautiful.
“And then I thought, ‘Why did this take nine years?’ As I tried to process the story that I have been sharing with you, I started to take some notes. Were there times that Jesus was there and I didn’t see Him because I had decided in advance, ‘Oh, I know how to get answers to my prayers and they come in this box.’ What if there were ways He was trying to give me hope and reassure me and talk to me and it just went over my head because I couldn’t see it.”
-Micheal Mclean
Heavenly Father really knows who you are and can answer in a very specific way. We, as “natural men”, get in the way of God’s answers and maybe that is why it takes nine years for an answer to come. I know for sure now that He will always answer prayers. He was there the whole time and I was missing the little answers that He was giving. He did answer me and I felt an overwhelming feeling of love that was unbelievable to feel. He was so happy that I finally realized He was there. He will always be there. I cannot forget that feeling of love and joy.
Have hope. Stay strong and Follow Christ.
Surgeries:
- Chin: I crashed my scooter when I was 8 years old
- Fingers: I got my two fingers partishly cut off
- Knee: I was playing basketball (ACL and meniscus)
- Fluid drainage: I had fluid in my lung cavity and they needed to drain it (ATV accident)
- Collar bone: ATV accident (I have a metal piece in me so now I am a cyborg)
- Knee: ATV accident (meniscus)
- C-section
- Gallbladder: I had gallstones and they needed removed my gallbladder
- Wisdom teeth (If you count it)
Comments ()