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Journey through a Tortured Mind

360 pages, approximately 130,000 words

Dedicated to Liu Yu Jie, who I never had the chance to talk to. Deep inside my soul is still a boiling cauldron.

Two quantum bits inside a quantum computer simulate the conditions of human existence. Infinite scenarios in cross product with infinite possible existence, which result in uncountably infinite choices.

The stimulation enters the mind of a mentally ill patient who has lived in solitary confinement for nearly 20 years, who has been talking to herself over and over ad infinitum, ad nauseam the same failures of her life over and over again, in all possible different scenarios in which the results would have been different.

The two quantum bits now live inside her mind, and become quantum-entangled and thus produce what is written in this book, in its chaotic, disordered manner, of what is left of the human existence of a tortured mind.

Parity Time Reversal Symmetry

The Parable
Meanwhile, in an Alternative Universe ...
Introduction to Quantum Electrodynamics
Meanwhile, in a Parallel Universe ...

My Life in Seven Days
Criminal Philosophy
Chinese Woman's Philosophy
Farewell to A
Postscript: Maxims from A to B

Excerpt 1:
In this perfect world, all crimes have been eliminated; all criminals and potential criminals have been locked up in prison, for, in fact, every one is already in prison. Each home is a cell, and in the door way of each cell, stands a guard, a robot guard no less, and in order to exit this cell, one must be brought before a judge, who happens to be a robot as well, and a lawyer, another robot, will argue before the judge: why this person should be allowed to exit its home, its perfect little cell full of joy and happiness—the oppressive gender pronouns have been abolished; everyone is referred to as it; after all, we are all animals—all this process can take months, if not years; and before it is allowed to exit its home, it has already grown old and perhaps has already lost the desire to exit its home, in which case, then it is escorted back into its home, a cozy little place, with an unlimited supply of food, water, and entertainment, an endless photonic stream of pleasure directly transmitted to its frontal cortex, and in this solitary confinement each person lives, and lives in eternity. Death has already been eliminated. There is no more disease, no more mortal danger to threaten its existence. Everyone lives in eternal happiness, in complete freedom, except for leaving one's own cell, which is only a small price to pay for such eternal joy. And besides, who really wants to exit its own home, when one must brace one self for many unnecessary risks, which are unheard of in this perfect world and for which certainly humans have devolved so much that we can no longer face. And even if one did indeed be adjudicated for the right to exit its own cell, despite all warnings about potential risk, by the solemn judge itself no less, after years of legal battle—taken to the grand jury, multivariate motions filed and multitudinous applications submitted, denied and granted—finally, yes!, it indeed has the right to exit its home, as impossible as it is for an life-sentence inmate to get parole—then, one must exit the main lobby, which is guarded by a doorman, yet another robot, and in order to pass this doorman once again one must appear before a robot judge, of a higher appellate court, and the legal process involved is even more complicated and will take even more time. And even suppose one has exited the main lobby, one sees for the first time in its life of eternity the natural blue sky, which is unheard of and unseen by most people of this generation, the perfect generation, one must cross the street, but alas, now it is illegal to cross the street. It is a crime punishable by life sentence inside one's home. One once again is brought back to its own cell, to reappear before the judge, to argue through its robot lawyer why it attempted to cross the street despite all warnings, but at this point, does anyone still want to exit its cell? Give it up. The system is set up to discourage you from exiting your cell. This life of solitary confinement is your destiny, to protect the perfect world from crimes, from danger, from you, for everyone is a potential criminal.

Excerpt 2:
A and B have been permanently imprisoned inside this solitary confinement, and because A is B, and B is A, A and B are indistinguishable from each other. They are two electrons inside an infinite potential well, bouncing back and forth from the two walls, and for all considerations, A and B live in this two dimensional world, without escape, and sometimes they become coherent, sometimes incoherent, sometimes they interact, and sometimes stay in their own isolated spots, and forever, they bounce back and forth in this lonely isolated prison, without escape.
“I have tried again and again, and my head cannot penetrate this wall. I had once thought that I had made progress, that I made a dent in this wall, but now I realize it was all an illusion.”
“But perhaps you have not tried hard enough.”
“I must work harder.”
“I for one cannot work. I do not have anything to inspire me to work. There is no meaning, no joy, no sorrow, no will, just the perpetual humdrum of nothingness. I want to cry but my eyes are dry. I want to laugh but no sound came out of my laughter. In the stillness of this vacuum, there is still motion, the perpetual motion of the humdrum of nonexistence. Did you hear that?”
“What was that?”
“The electromagnetic pulse of the ghost particle?”
“Who is there?”
“Nobody is there.”
“Then who made that noise?”
“The mere fluctuation of the vacuum was he who made that noise.”
“Must we continue to live in this meaningless existence, in perpetual agony? How long must we endure?”
“Oh if only.”
“You are right, if only someone would hear us, someone could hear the scream of our torment, but by now aren’t you already used to this predicament.”
“I can never get used to this. I must hope.”
“Yes, tomorrow they will set us free.”
The boisterous laughters of A and B, simultaneously burst out of their nonexistence, reverberated through the infinite potential well.
“Yes, they will set us free. Tomorrow. Are we like two giddy schoolchildren who have just gotten back from the playground? Is this the most boring century to be alive in? The most boring thing I have ever read is Solzhenitsyn. I cannot believe he could win the Nobel Prize in literature for that! He could have kept a diary and wrote down what he did everyday in gulag and he would have had his novel. But I guess I sympathize with him in that regard. At least he was once also a teacher. He taught math and physics to high school students in the Soviet Union. He writes that in his short stories.”
“But they are just that, stories.”
“Have you ever read his quote-unquote novels? Those are not novels. Those are literal descriptions of every single event that ever happened in his dull, boring life. You could have imagined that someone like Solzhenitsyn could have lived a more interesting life, but no, apparently there is nothing romantic to any of that. There is only the mind-numbing, maddening boredom, the same thing over and over and over again. Sure someday someone dies, and then someone else is dead, and then someone else still, but no, it’s so boring. There is no love, no life, no meaning. How do you call those mind-numbing boring things living? The moment of each cockroach roaming on the kitchen floor is described with minute detail.”
“Have you tried working on penetrating that wall again?”
“What’s the purpose? No matter how hard I try, I merely bump into this wall, infinitely many times, and though now I make an impact, I would never be able to penetrate this wall.”
“But we must hope.”
“We never grow old. We never die. We will try in an infinite amount of time.”
“But upon that infinite amount of time, each tiny droplet of that time is yet infinite still, and infinity stretched upon infinity makes it infinitely larger than infinity itself. There is no hope.”
“But we must hope. Or else, what can we do?”
“We must hope. We must tell ourselves pretty little lies and concoct up fantastical fictions to make us forget this drudgery, this meaningless existence upon which we struggle in vain, and yet we struggle, and we struggle, and we struggle, and we struggle until we die, and then our children will once again resume the same struggle, and they struggle, and they struggle, and they struggle in vain, and then their children carry on this struggle, and so on and so forth, and we are still in this infinite potential well of bleak despair. What, I ask, is this different than being free? Is not the outside world merely a bigger prison? We should be content to stay inside here.”
“Yes, at least it’s safer in here. Inside this little well of eternal ease, we are provided with food, shelter, and comfort, and there is even entertainment, and when we get tired, we fall asleep, and then, the next day, we resume the same struggle, and—”
“We only have a few minutes left. There is an opening on the wall!”
“We must make a dash for it!”
The wall has split open for a picosecond and A and B saw their escape at hand.
“We must get out of here!”
But it was an illusion. There was no opening on the wall.
“Maybe it’s not so bad. Not so bad. To stay inside here. Not so bad.”
“Maybe it was just an illusion.”
“But I saw it! With my own eyes. There was an opening, just then. We must hope it happen again.”
“It was just your mind going crazy. There was no opening on the wall. There is no hope. There is only despair.”
“But we must hope. We must hope.”
“Yes, I too want to hope. I just want to get out of this wall for just a little while. I just wish. I—just—wish. Just a little while. I feel suffocating inside here.”
“There is no hope. Give it up.”
“There is no hope. There is no hope.”
“Close your eyes and fall asleep again, and tomorrow we will continue onward with this same struggle all over again.”
“But I swear I saw an opening on the wall! If I fall asleep now, I will never have the opportunity to—I will regret for the rest of my life. I can’t.”
“And there is nothing else you could do now.”
“There is nothing else I could do now?”
“There is nothing else.”
“At least.”
“I could live in the memory of it. By keeping my eyes open. If I fall asleep, I’m afraid, I will never be able to see it again.”
“See what?”
“The opening on the wall.”
“There was no opening on the wall. It was your mind going haywire. Sleep—sleep. Sleep now. There is nothing you could do. Perhaps tomorrow you will see it again.”
“There will never be another opportunity tomorrow.”

Excerpt 3:
Why philosophy is full of bullshit
Even the really good ones, like Spinoza, Kant, and Socrates, are so full of bullshit. But I guess Socrates still have the good sense to know that he doesn't know anything.
The problem with philosophy is that it's just naturally imprecise, given the way our language is constructed. For example, just any word in any context can mean a million different things, and you can always end up finding a definition of the word that contradicts another. Socrates proved it in his dialogues. Everyone is ignorant because everyone ends up contradicting himself.
Because we are confined to our language, our written and spoken language, we may never be able to find truth through philosophy.
The only way to really seek out truth is by using a different kind of language. I'm of course talking about the mathematical language. Mathematical language is far superior to our spoken language, say English. Just look at its track record. Newtonian law of gravity, quantum mechanics, general relativity, and right now a big area of mathematics is to develop the tools for string theory.
But there is still limits to mathematical language. There are things that are proven to be un-proveable, for instance, Godel's incomplete theorem, but to discover truth in the 20th century and beyond, philosophy is utterly useless.
However, this doesn't mean philosophy is not useful in other aspects. We need philosophy, in order to know how to live, in order to know, in a un-precise form, what is good and bad for us, not in any moral sense of the word good and bad, but in the original Greek meaning of good and bad.
And this is actually much harder than mathematics. Extremely brilliant mathematicians used to come once every decade, but in my experience extremely brilliant mathematicians seem to come once in a year. There are a lot of extremely talented mathematicians, and the only reason some mathematicians are more famous than others are really because of the fields they work in and some times just luck. Many very brilliant mathematicians are not famous at all. But a great philosopher comes once in a century or even longer. This is because a good philosophy need to be tested out by generations of men who live according to it, but the same is not required for math. In math, if it logically follows, then no matter how weird and fucked up the result is, it must be true, and trust me there are some seriously wacky results in mathematics. But there can be no wacky philosophy, no matter how rational or logical it sounds, if it doesn't work, that is, if the people who follow that philosophy do not live good lives, then it cannot be a good philosophy. Marxism is a spectacular disaster in philosophy. It's very rational, very logical. Read the German ideology and you now it's brilliant, but it fucked up the people who tried to live according to that philosophy so bad, it's absolutely a failure. Christian philosophy, no matter how much contradictions it has, has a far better track record. Christian philosophy actually borrows a lot from Greek and Stoic philosophy, and no one who is sane can deny that Christianity is part of European tradition. Christianity was actually very positive in dispelling superstitions and other bullshit mythology from Europe and lots of very famous scientists started out as Christian scholars who dedicated their lives to the study of the Bible.
So while mathematics as a language is superior, I think philosophy using the general spoken language is more important, because this is perusing a problem that mathematics can never answer, how to live a good life, and because the barrier to entry is low in philosophy, practically anyone who can speak can philosophize. Even women can philosophize. But not every one can be a mathematician. Very few women can be mathematicians, and honestly I think women should be forbidden to study mathematics.
So there is so much bullshit in philosophy. And which is actually more urgent a reason to do philosophy, to dispel the bullshit and to discover the good ways of living.

Excerpt 4:
Women should never had been allowed into the work force.
When women were liberated and started to erode into the work force which was once dominated by men, so we were told, that will increase the economic productivity, that we have now activated the other half of the population and we will have much much better economic growth, and that it will be better for men as well, because those men's wives and daughters will be able to share the financial burden which used to be bore by men alone.
But what have we gotten instead? Women have entered work forces and driven men out of the work force and which resulted in the lowest work force participation rate in all recorded history, especially so for young men in the prime of their life, and, not only that, because those young men have no work, they have even harder times attracting females, since women still prefer to date men who have high earning potential, so those men are unable to find mates, unable to start a family, unable to reproduce; they have become social outcasts. Even worse, once women started to enter the work force, they have accelerated economic inflation so now, a household is not even sustainable with just one person working. You need both partners to work to be able to afford a middle class lifestyle and to have children. You have created the worst scenario possible. Women's purpose used to be solely to have children, to bear children, and to raise children, but now they have to work also, and they have to compete with men in the work place, and no family is able even to afford on a single wage, and what about those children being raised in such environment. They become antisocial, autistic, and they will once again perpetuate the vicious cycle that their parents inherited in this age.
In the meanwhile, you have also destroyed the social contract that once existed between men and women. Women are naturally hypergamous. They look for mates that are more capable than themselves, make more money than themselves. So in doing so, by driving so many men out of the work force, you have significantly dwindled the available dating pool for women as well. So now, a single man, who is successful, who is wealthy, have seen exponential increase in his dating pool.
You have ruined this generation of men, with the introduction of women's liberation.
Not only that, but women tend to feminize any field they go into. By introducing women into a particular work force, the entire field become female-dominated, and it becomes impossible for men to enter the field. Think of medical assistants, teachers, and nurses.
And once this emancipation is set in motion, it's impossible to go back. It's impossible ever again for this society to ever say, women need to go back to the kitchen, or to forbid women from entering the work force, and this lethargy will continue, this civilizational sickness will race toward its end goal, until it becomes mellow, weak, and utterly force-less, and it can only be cured when a barbaric race who is still endowed with the spirit of what is natural to human, conquers it, puts it out of its misery, and only until then, will the natural balance between the sexes be restored, but such a transition will only happen with force.

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