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SHE COMES FIRST.. the thinking man’s guideto pleasuring a woman

The Premise of this book is simple: when it comes to
pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love,
cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue. As bestselling
sex author Lou Paget has written, “Ask most women, and if they're
being honest, they will admit that what makes them hottest and come
hardest is when a man can use his tongue well.”
But as with any language, in order to express yourself fluently, in
order to make your subject sing and soar, you must be thoroughly
acquainted with the rules of grammar and style. One of my favorite
books on the subject is the indispensable classic Elements of Style. I
don't think I would have made it through freshman comp, or survived
college as an English major, without that slim, dog-eared paperback
tucked away in my back pocket. In the able hands of authors Strunk
and White, grammar was not simply made understandable and
meaningful—it was made beautiful. Elements of Style exhorted readers to “write boldly and make
definite assertions.” And in the spirit of that timeless classic, She
Comes First will condense a wealth of experience and expertise into
a simple, essential rule book; it will elaborate on the principles and
philosophy that underlie those rules and, in doing so, offer nothing
less than the definitive guide to the grammar of oral sex. If you want
to learn how to give a woman mind-blowing, body-rippling orgasms
with your tongue every time, this is the book for you.
Although I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, this book is
principally written from a practitioner's perspective; by someone
who knows and loves cunnilingus, appreciates its role in stimulating
female sexual response, and has developed a methodology for
consistently leading women to orgasm: one that stems from the
conviction that cunnilingus is much more than just a sexual activity,
but rather the centerpiece of a philosophy of sexual contentment.
Call it the “way of the tongue.
But don't get me wrong: I'm not some Casanova or Don Juan,
vainly putting words down on paper in order to boast and strut—far
from it. Through much of my life I've suffered terribly from sexual
dysfunction, and I know all too well the humiliation, anxiety, and
despair of not being able to satisfy a woman. If anything, this book
was written in the sincere hope that other men might develop
effective “sexual habits”—ones that will enable them, along with
their partners, to suffer less than I have, or perhaps not at all. As
Tennessee Williams wrote of the marriage bed in his play Cat on a
Hot Tin Roof, “When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are
there, right there!” Well, here's to getting rid of the rocks and
smoothing out the sheets.
My initial forays into oral sex were a crutch, a way of
compensating for my sexual inadequacies, and they were approached
with the assumption that cunnilingus was a poor man's second to the
joys and splendors of “real sex”—like many, I took it for granted that
intercourse was the “right way” for couples to experience orgasms.
But, to my surprise, I discovered that the “way of the tongue” was by
no means inferior to intercourse; if anything, it was superior, in many
cases the only way in which women were able to receive the
persistent, rhythmic stimulation, outside of masturbation, necessary
to achieve an orgasm. I quickly learned that oral sex is real sex, and
later in life, when I happened to come across a copy of the seminal
Hite Report on Female Sexuality, I was reassured to find that women
consider oral sex to be “one of their most favorite and exciting
activities; women mentioned over and over how much they loved it.”
When it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an
orgasm—the only thing that's wrong is to assume that women need
or value them any less than men do.
In her article “Just Be a Man: Six Simple Suggestions,” sex
columnist Amy Sohn's very first piece of advice is, “A man goes
down. No excuses. No hesitation.”
But once down there, what's a man to do? The vast majority of
women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how
to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough. Flannery O'Connor was
right: a good man is hard to find, especially one who's good at taking
a leisurely stroll downtown. But once found, a skilled cunnilinguist
rarely goes unappreciated. In her essay “Lip Service: On Being a
Cunning Linguist,” author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich sings
the praises of a boyfriend who specialized in oral sex: “I became
tongue-whipped (the female equivalent of pussy-whipped) and even
offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After
two months, I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.”
It's time to “think outside her box.” When it comes to the oral
caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butler's infamous
line to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind: “You should be
kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”
Those who know me know I'm a private person. I wouldn't dream
of confiding my battles with sexual dysfunction to the world if I
didn't wholeheartedly believe that there was a compelling need for
this book. I know this based on what I've read, what I've been told,
and, most important, what I've experienced firsthand as a clinical
sexologist: not only do women crave and enjoy cunnilingus; they
require it. Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one
complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to
experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is
not simply “more foreplay,” as magazines often chide us, but rather
the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay,
namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of
lovemaking—the transformation of foreplay into nothing less than
This book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-”outercourse”—
a conception of sex that goes beyond penetration, embraces mutual
pleasure, and is better suited to stimulating the female sexual
anatomy to orgasm. This model doesn't exclude intercourse, but
instead promotes the postponement of male gratification until after a
woman has achieved her first (but hopefully not last) orgasm during
a session of sexual activity—a deferment that has the double benefit
of vouchsafing female satisfaction while also significantly enhancing
the quality of the male climax. This book espouses the postponement
of gratification, not the postponement of enjoyment.
She Comes First offers men and women a surefire “bird in the
hand” approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes “all or
nothing” proposition of intercourse. It's time to close the sex gap and
create a level playing field in the exchange of pleasure, and
cunnilingus is far more than just a means for achieving this noble
end; it's the cornerstone of a new sexual paradigm, one that
exuberantly extols a shared experience of pleasure, intimacy, respect
and contentment. It's also one of the greatest gifts of love a man can
bestow upon a woman.

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