Today is the anniversary of the day I lost my mom.
And today, my heart aches even more.
I wish I could tell you that with each passing year, this day gets easier. That somehow, as time moves forward, the pain becomes less noticeable. That I've learned how to get through these days without feeling that same ache in my heart.
But that wouldn't be the truth.
The truth is, I miss my mom. Every. Single. Day.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could pick up the phone, hear her voice, tell her something that happened, ask her a question, or simply talk about absolutely nothing. Or tell on my siblings because I’m the baby and I could shake things up lol
It’s not the moments when I found my mom’s cigarettes and tried to be a smoker until the taste was slapped out my mouth. Nor the moments where my teachers called and she showed up EVERYTIME! Nor when she said, I’m telling your daddy when he gets here and my act straightened up! lol
We have so many great memories. Memories that make me smile one minute and cry the next.
Folks are right, life does go on, but something is missing… My Mom.
One of the hardest things about losing someone you love is realizing that the world doesn't stop. People continue living. Birthdays come. Holidays pass. Families gather. New memories are made. Life keeps moving.
You laugh. You celebrate. You work. You make plans. You show up for your family. You accomplish things. You find reasons to smile. But there's always that missing piece.
When the doctor told me I have cancer… I wanted my Mommy real bad.
I've learned that grief doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes it shows up in a song. A smell. A picture. A memory. A conversation. Sometimes it catches me completely off guard. I can be having a perfectly good day, and suddenly something reminds me of her. And just like that, the tears come.
Then there are days like today.
Days when I know the date is coming. Days when I try to prepare myself emotionally, even though I know there's really no preparing for the feeling.
Because how do you prepare your heart to remember the day your life changed forever?
How do you explain missing someone so much that even after all this time, the thought of never seeing them again on this earth still hurts?
I think sometimes people assume that because you're smiling, laughing, accomplishing things, and enjoying life, you've somehow moved past your grief.
But that's not how it works.
I can be happy and still miss my mom.
I can be grateful for the life I have and still wish she were here to experience it with me.
I can have beautiful moments and still feel sadness because she's not part of them.
I can trust God and still have days when my heart feels heavy.
Grief and joy can exist in the same heart.
And I've learned that I don't have to choose between them.
I don't have to pretend that I'm okay every moment of every day. I don't have to hide my tears or apologize for still missing someone who meant so much to me.
She was my mom.
And losing her changed me.
If You Still Have Your Mom… call her, spend time with her, take the pictures, ask the questions, listen to the stories you've probably heard a hundred times. Tell her you love her.
And if your relationship isn't perfect, I understand that every mother-daughter relationship is different. But where love and connection are possible, don't take those moments for granted.
Because there are some things you don't realize you'll miss until you no longer have them.
And if you're like me, living life without your mom, I wish I could give you the biggest hug.
I know what it's like to have a million things you want to say to someone who is no longer here to hear them.
And I know what it's like to smile for the world while carrying a sadness that never completely goes away.
I could end this post with something encouraging. Something about strength, healing, or finding purpose in the pain. But today, I don't want to do that.
Today, I just want to be honest.
I miss my mom. I miss her presence. I miss knowing she was here. I miss the comfort of having her in this world. And if I could have just one more conversation, one more hug, one more ordinary day with her, I would cherish every second.
So today, I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel.
If I cry, I cry.
If I laugh at a memory, I laugh.
If I need a quiet moment, I'll take it.
Because loving someone doesn't end when their life does.
And neither does missing them.
Mom, I love you. I miss you more than words could ever explain. And no matter how much time passes, there will always be a place in my heart that belongs only to you.
This is my life between the plans.
And today, the only thing I wish I could plan is one more day with my mom.