I wrestled with this one for a minute.
Because here’s the thing...I’m trying to practice in a way that feels aligned. I’m trying to be
Neuro-affirming.
Assent-based.
Respectful.
Human.
But what happens when a learner is being unsafe?
Not “they dropped to the floor and said no.”
Not “they crossed their arms and huffed.”
I’m talking:
- hitting
- throwing objects at people
- spitting
- unsafe behavior
And then parents look at you like.....“So… what are we doing about this?”
And you feel the pressure.
The Word That Trips Me Up
I don't really like the word “consequence.”
I don't really like the word “punishment.”
Yes, I know they’re neutral ABA terms.
Yes, I know positive and negative punishment are technical definitions.
But let’s be honest .... outside of textbooks, those words carry weight. Heavy weight.
They carry history.
And I don’t want to slip into something punitive just because it’s familiar language.
So I had to sit with myself and ask:
Am I adding outcomes because I truly believe they’ll help this learner?
Or because I feel like I need to show that I’m “doing something”?
That was the real question.
Protective & Restorative — Not Punitive
What I landed on was this:
There are protective strategies and there are restorative strategies.
Protective means:
If you’re being unsafe with an item, that item is removed.
If you’re being unsafe in a space, we guide you to a calmer space.
If you’re escalating, we prioritize safety first.
Not as punishment.
Not as retaliation.
But because safety is non-negotiable.
I cannot negotiate hitting.
I cannot negotiate throwing objects at someone.
You can be mad.
You can stomp.
You can cross your arms.
You can huff and puff.
But you may not hurt someone.
That’s not compliance culture.
That’s boundary culture.
And Then Comes Restoration
Once calm is reached, we restore. We reflect.
We practice the skill that was hard.
We strengthen the replacement behavior.
Not “because you did this, now you have to pay.”
But:
“I can tell that was still hard for you."
"Let’s practice it together so it’s less hard next time.”
That’s skill building.
The Line I Won’t Cross
I will exhaust antecedent strategies.
I will exhaust reinforcement strategies.
I will modify the environment.
I will modify adult behavior.
But if safety is compromised, I will implement a boundary.
Not to discipline.
But to protect.
And I had to make peace with the fact that that does not make me less neuro-affirming.
It makes me responsible.
The Bigger Reflection
Part of my internal conflict wasn’t about the learner.
It was about optics.
Would someone say:
“That’s punishment.”
“That’s compliance.”
“That’s not affirming.”
And I had to decide:
Am I practicing based on labels?
Or based on what I know about this child?
Because real life is more nuanced than TikTok debates.
And I’m okay standing in that nuance.
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