What’s wild about this whole “downplaying my own work” thing is that the very things I’m minimizing right now…are the things I really, really wanted for myself.
Like, badly.
This Used to Be the Dream
Before I even opened my practice, I remember thinking:
It would be amazing if I could partner with a childcare center.
It would be amazing if I could train teachers.
It would be amazing if I could offer parent workshops.
In my head, that was success.
That was the “okay, I did something right” moment.
That was the vision.
And then… it actually happened.
Within a year of opening my practice, I was doing the exact things I said would mean I made it.
And yet here I am saying:
“I got my little parent workshop today.”
“I got this little professional development training tomorrow.”
Why am I calling it little?
Why Am I Making My Light So Small?
That’s the part I can’t ignore.
Because if anyone else told me this story,
if another BCBA said, “I partnered with a childcare center and I’m delivering trainings to teachers and parents” ...
I’d be like: Why are you calling that little? That’s a big deal!! That’s major.
That’s literally what you said you wanted.
So why can’t I say that to myself?
Doing the Thing… and Still Doubting It
I’m doing the very thing I defined as success.
And somehow, now it’s:
“just a little practice”
“just a little training”
“it ain’t really that”
And if I’m honest, I know where that comes from.
That’s imposter syndrome talking.
That voice that says: How could you really know what you’re doing… and be doing all this?
This gotta be play-play.
Like it’s not real.
Adulthood Is Sneaking Up on Me
I think part of this is also age.
I’m finally at a place where I look back and realize: Oh… that was actually a grown-up thing I just did.
But I still feel young.
Young at heart.
Young in my mind.
And the images I grew up with of people my age?
They looked older.
They moved differently.
They felt more “official.”
So when I’m doing something real, something impactful, something professional,
it doesn’t feel serious to me.
So I minimize it.
Even When the Evidence Is There
What makes this even crazier is that:
the school asked me to do the training
they promoted it
they marketed it
I’m getting paid
And still… I doubt.
Even if only two or three people show up, my brain goes: See? It wasn’t that serious anyway.
Instead of: You were invited. You were trusted. You were compensated.
I Don’t Have the Answer Yet
And I want to be honest about this part too.
I don’t have a neat conclusion.
Not every blog post I write is going to end with: "And then I realized everything was fine."
This one might be a Part One.
I might come back to it later.
I might grow into the answer.
I might need more time.
Right now, this is just where I am.
Still Asking the Question
Why am I shrinking the very things I once prayed for?
Why is success easier to recognize in other people than in myself?
Why does imposter syndrome make me talk about my own work like it’s disposable?
I’m still working through that.
If you’ve got thoughts, feel free to drop them.
If not, that’s okay too.
This is just where I’m at right now.
And that’s enough for today.
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