This year has been a wonderful year, but it's also one that I have been dreading since the evening that I received the call that my husband passed away. Our son is turning 18 and graduating from high school. In 2017, as I sat on the stairs, listening to the words I never wanted to hear and trying to process the fact that my husband was gone, one of my first thoughts was that he wouldn't be here for moments like this. He wouldn't be here to watch our kids graduate or to walk our daughter down the aisle. And now, 8 years later, it's happening.
It's bittersweet. Watching our son grow into this incredible young man. I don't know how time has gone by so quickly. People always warned me when my kids were young, saying "enjoy it while it lasts because it'll be over before you know it", and "it won't be like this for long". At the time, you're in survival mode. You're sleep deprived, up to your elbows in diapers, and just trying to get through the day. It feels like you have all the time in the world and that graduation is a lifetime away. You drop him off at Kindergarten and he runs right in, so full of excitement that he forgets to even say goodbye. Tears of pride and sadness run down your cheek.
Then he graduates from middle school, and he's grown so much over the past year that now he's towering over you. That little boy who used to look up to you and ask for uppies now putting his arm around your shoulder and glancing down at you from above. You can barely keep up with the groceries and you're buying a new pair of pants because none of his fit, yet you swear they fit him last week.
When you're together, he has philosophical and cerebral conversations. It's no longer about trains and dinosaurs. He's grown into a young man who talks of crazy orange politicians and world events. He speaks to you as though you're almost equals. He still has that admiration for the woman who raised him and doesn't quite yet understand what it truly means to be an adult, but he's mature and more like a peer now. Our relationship has somehow shifted from nurturer or provider and dependent to friends. He still needs guidance and support, but not in the same ways. Rather than "can you cut my meat?" he asks "how do I start the washing machine?". He's turning into a man before my very eyes.
And my husband has missed it. He missed it all. And in some ways, I feel like I did, too. I'm sure most parents can relate to that feeling of disappointment. Disappointment in having to prioritize work over kids to keep food in bellies and a roof over our heads. Disappointment in missing vacations or holidays because it just wasn't in the budget that year. Disappointment in having to pay someone else to watch your kids, missing the day-to-day, because you had to go to work to make the money to pay bills.
I kept thinking, "If I can just get through this month or this year, then I'll be able to slow down and actually spend more time with my kids". "Once this credit card is paid off". "Once I'm finished my degree". Once... then. But you find that while you were pursuing the thing that was supposed to give you more time, that's exactly what you've given up.
I'd like to tell you that I've got it figured out. That I know how to get out of parent survival and into enjoying time with your kids. Unfortunately, as long as bills need paying that will remain a dilemma. However, these are some things I've found to help slow the hands of time.
- We just do our best to be present as often as possible. Rather than thinking about the next holiday, the next school assignment, the next, the next, the next... we try to focus on the here and now. We eat dinner together and ask about everyone's day. We play board games together. We try to spend as much time in the now as possible.
- We show gratitude. There is a whiteboard by our garage door, and before we leave, we write down something that we are grateful for. This helps us not only connect as a family, but it allows us to turn our attention towards what he have currently, rather than always being forward focused. By bringing awareness to what you have to be grateful for, your mind has to focus on the present, rather than the pursuit of future goals.
- We take pauses. When we eat dinner as a family, we enjoy our food. We tap into our senses. We notice the smells and tastes. I get my kids to try to guess what seasonings I used, or what ingredients made the meal. This prevents them from just inhaling their food, so they actually savour it. And it helps us to spend more time together as a family, rather than dining and dashing.
- We try new things. By introducing novel experiences, your brain can't go into it's default mode as easily. You're forced off of autopilot and time seems to slow down. Try eating somewhere different or making a new meal. Learn a new skill as a family. Turn off your phones and learn a new game or sport.
- Be fully with people. Again, this may require turning off phones or putting them away. But be fully present. Look your family in the eyes, notice their tone when they talk, actively listen to what they're saying. Presence with others stretches time because it deepens emotional engagement.
- Slow down. Life can feel so rushed and chaotic. It doesn't have to be much. Between tasks, take 10 seconds to breathe, stretch, or just arrive in the next moment. Your nervous system needs these micro-pauses to register that life is happening now. You may even find that this helps you be more patient since you're less likely to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated. Try adding little microbreaks throughout the day.
Being more present and focusing on my kids won't help to bring my husband back. He won't be here to enjoy these moments with us. But to me, by slowing down, enjoying every moment, and allowing time to slow down for even a brief moment is my way of honouring him. When I pause to think about how amazing my life is, how blessed I am to have my kids, and when I listen to them speak, I'm reminded just how precious life is and how I can take it for granted sometimes. When I'm stuck in this mentality of future and forward-thinking and 'when-then', I blink and it's gone. Time flies whether you're having a good time or not, so take a deep breath, observe the moment, take a mental picture and take in as much as you can. Because before you know it, it's gone.