So much of the conversation around adoption focuses on getting to placement.
There is the pregnancy, making the decision, choosing an adoptive family, preparing for the hospital, signing paperwork, and eventually finalization.
Those moments are important.
But there is something I don’t think we talk about nearly enough:
What happens to the birth mother after all of that is over?
When I placed my daughter for adoption, I didn’t really think about what adoption would feel like years later. I wasn’t looking ahead and imagining how I might feel during different stages of my life.
I think I assumed that eventually I would just be fine.
For a long time, that’s also how I thought grief worked. Something painful happens, you hurt for a while, time passes, and eventually you get over it.
Except that isn’t what I experienced.
Life Continued, but Adoption Came With Me
There wasn’t a finish line where adoption suddenly became something that had happened to me in the past and no longer affected my present.
Life absolutely continued.
I learned how to live with my decision. I learned how to handle emotions that once felt impossible to carry. I built a life beyond that one part of my story.
But I didn’t simply “get over it.”
Instead, I learned how to deal with it in my own way.
I think that’s an important distinction.
Moving forward doesn’t have to mean forgetting. Healing doesn’t have to mean never hurting again. And being okay today doesn’t guarantee that something won’t feel difficult tomorrow.
Sometimes It’s the Things You Never Expected
One of the hardest parts can be the things you didn’t know to prepare yourself for.
Life keeps changing.
There are new milestones, memories, relationships, celebrations, losses, and ordinary moments. Sometimes something happens that you never imagined would have anything to do with adoption—and suddenly it brings emotions back that you weren’t expecting or didn’t want in that moment.
That can happen years after placement.
And when something new happens, you may find yourself learning how to handle another part of your adoption experience that you’ve never had to navigate before.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve gone backward.
It means you’ve encountered something new.
There Isn’t One Right Way to Carry It
Birth mothers don’t all process adoption in the same way.
Some talk openly about their experiences.
Others keep much of it private.
Some may want to share their stories, while others may only discuss adoption with a very small circle of people.
And those needs can change over time.
What matters is recognizing that a birth mother’s experience doesn’t become irrelevant simply because time has passed.
She may still be learning.
She may still encounter firsts she never anticipated.
She may still have days when something catches her completely off guard.
And she deserves support during those moments just as much as she deserved support immediately after placement.
Maybe Healing Isn’t About Reaching the End
I’ve had to rethink what healing means.
Maybe the goal isn’t to reach some imaginary point where nothing connected to adoption can ever hurt again.
Maybe healing can also look like learning yourself.
Learning what you need.
Learning how you want to handle difficult moments when they come.
Learning that you can experience an emotion without allowing it to erase all of the progress you’ve made.
And then, when life brings something completely new, learning again.
I’ve realized there may always be parts of this experience I’m still figuring out.
That’s okay.
Because there wasn’t a finish line.
There was a life afterward.
And birth mothers deserve support for that part of the story, too.
No birth mother should have to navigate that lifetime alone.
Birth Mother Network