Open Adoption Isn’t a Formula — It’s a Relationship
When I was considering adoption for my child, there was one thing I knew very early: I did not want a closed adoption.
I grew up in a closed adoption myself. I knew what it was like to have questions about where I came from and not always have access to the person who could answer them. Because of that experience, I wanted something different for my child.
I wanted my child to know that if questions ever came up, they could ask me. I wanted to be honest in my answers while still keeping them appropriate for their age.
Beyond that, though, I didn’t have some perfect picture of what open adoption was supposed to look like.
There Are Choices — But Not a Formula
During the adoption process, there can be a lot of decisions about openness and contact. You may discuss things like communication, visits, and what everyone hopes the relationship will look like in the future.
But making those choices doesn’t necessarily tell you what the relationship will actually feel like once you’re living it.
That’s something I learned over time.
Open adoption involves real people whose lives, needs, emotions, and circumstances can change. There isn’t one formula that can tell every birth mother and adoptive family exactly how their relationship should work.
In my experience, we had to learn together.
I Was Fortunate
One of the things I’m incredibly grateful for is the willingness of my child’s adoptive parents to learn alongside me.
It wasn’t simply, “This is how it’s going to be.”
There was a willingness to communicate, listen, adjust, and figure out what worked for everyone involved.
That mattered more than I realized it would when I was making my adoption plan.
The child is incredibly important—but there are other people involved in an open adoption relationship too. Birth mothers have emotions, needs, and experiences. Adoptive parents do as well.
Everyone is navigating something.
What I Would Tell Adoptive Parents
If I could tell an adoptive parent entering an open adoption one thing, it would be this:
Keep an open mind.
It’s okay to guide the relationship. It’s okay to have boundaries and things you need to be firm about.
But also listen.
Try to understand what the birth mother may be experiencing instead of only communicating what you need from her.
Adoption can be emotionally charged for everyone involved, which makes honest communication especially important. But communication isn’t only about talking. You have to be willing to listen, too.
And remember that you’re building a relationship.
In some open adoptions, a birth mother may eventually feel less like someone connected to an adoption agreement and more like part of an extended family.
That won’t describe every open adoption, and every family’s circumstances will be different.
But I think it’s worth remembering that when you enter an open adoption, you’re not simply making decisions about contact.
You’re beginning a relationship that everyone involved may have to learn how to navigate together.
There isn’t one perfect formula for open adoption.
Sometimes the willingness to keep learning together is one of the most important things you can bring to it.
Birth Mother Network
No birth mother should have to navigate that lifetime alone.