You know what I think people don't realize about adoption?
Just because the adoption is over doesn't mean everything is over for the birth mother.
Everybody else gets to go back to their lives. The appointments stop. The phone calls slow down. People stop asking how you're doing.
But you're still there. Trying to figure out how to live with everything that just happened.
And sometimes I think people genuinely don't know what they're supposed to do. They don't know if they should bring up your child. They don't know if asking questions will upset you. So they just don't say anything.
I understand that. I really do.
But I wish more people understood that you don't have to know exactly what to say to make someone feel like they aren't alone.
Sometimes it's the smallest things.
A text that says, “Hey, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing?”
Not because it's a birthday or a holiday. Not because something happened. Just because somebody thought about you.
Or someone remembering a date that matters to you.
Because those dates don't just disappear. Birthdays, Mother's Day, the day you placed your child. Sometimes you start thinking about them weeks before they even get here.
And having someone remember without you having to remind them can mean a lot.
Another thing is just being able to talk.
Not having somebody tell you why you made the right decision. Not hearing that your child is probably having a wonderful life, as if that somehow makes everything you're feeling go away.
Just being able to say, “I'm having a really hard time today,” and having someone listen.
That's it.
They don't have to fix anything. They probably can't.
But they can listen.
And I think it's important to remember that every birth mother is different. What helps one person might not help another. Some birth mothers want to talk about their children all the time. Others may find it too painful.
So ask.
Ask if she wants to talk. Ask if there's anything you can do. And if she doesn't know what she needs, that's okay too.
But here's the part I really want people to understand.
Don't stop checking on her just because time has passed.
I placed my daughter more than 20 years ago. And I can tell you that time passing doesn't mean you suddenly stop having feelings about it.
Life keeps happening. You have good days. You have bad days. You learn how to live your life.
But there are still moments when something brings it all back.
And that's why I think continued support is so important.
It doesn't mean someone needs to constantly ask about the adoption. It doesn't mean treating a birth mother like she's fragile or incapable of moving forward.
It just means remembering that this is part of her life, even when nobody is talking about it.
If you have a birth mother in your life, please don't overthink reaching out.
You don't need a speech. You don't need the perfect advice.
Sometimes a simple “I'm here if you need me” means something.
But what means even more is actually being there.
Not just in the beginning.
Not just when everything is fresh.
Even years later.
Because being a birth mother doesn't end when the adoption is finalized.
And neither should the support.
No birth mother should have to navigate that lifetime alone.