Sometimes you don’t know how a holiday is going to affect you until you’re already in the middle of it.
You might have plans, be spending time with family, or have a full day of things to do. Everything may seem to be going fine, and then something happens that brings up feelings you weren’t expecting.
For birth mothers, holidays can be reminders of experiences they didn’t get to share with their child. Sometimes those reminders are obvious. Other times, the emotions show up in ways that don’t immediately seem connected to adoption.
And just because someone is getting through the day doesn’t mean the holiday isn’t affecting them.
Staying Busy Doesn’t Mean the Feelings Aren’t There
People handle difficult holidays in different ways. Some need time to themselves. Some want to talk about what they’re feeling. Others find that staying busy helps them get through the day.
For me, staying busy has always been intentional.
I know that if I don’t have something to occupy my time, I’ll spend too much of the day thinking about my daughter and everything I’ve missed sharing with her.
Even now, years after placement, I still plan activities around certain days because I know how easily those thoughts can take over if I have too much time to sit and think.
That doesn’t mean I never think about her during those days. Those thoughts still slip in. But I put them aside and keep going with whatever I’m doing.
Some people might see that as avoiding their feelings. For me, it’s a way of getting through the day without spending the entire holiday focused on everything I’ve missed.
And it doesn’t mean those feelings have disappeared.
Sometimes the Emotions Show Up Differently
One thing that can make holiday grief confusing is that sadness isn’t always the first emotion someone notices.
Sometimes it’s frustration, anger, or feeling overwhelmed by something that ordinarily wouldn’t be a big deal.
There were times when I would get angry over something that normally wouldn’t have bothered me. I wouldn’t necessarily connect it to the holiday right away.
Then I would go off by myself, and that was when everything else would come out, usually through crying.
Looking back, I could recognize that there was more behind those emotions than whatever had upset me in that moment.
That doesn’t mean every unexpected emotion is caused by adoption grief. But when a meaningful day is already bringing up difficult memories, it’s worth recognizing that what you’re feeling may be connected to more than what’s happening right in front of you.
A Small Moment Can Bring Everything to the Surface
Sometimes you can make it through most of a holiday without having a particularly difficult moment, only for something small to bring those feelings out later.
It doesn’t always take a major reminder.
For me, there were times when I could keep moving through the day, and then I would talk to my mom on the phone.
Suddenly, everything I had been pushing aside would hit me.
I would need to go be by myself and cry.
Afterward, the grief was still there. Crying didn’t change the fact that I missed my daughter or the experiences we hadn’t shared.
But the immediate emotions, especially the anger or frustration that hadn’t seemed to make sense earlier, would usually settle down.
That’s an important difference. Feeling an emotion and letting it out doesn’t necessarily make the reason behind it disappear.
Sometimes it simply helps you move through that particular moment.
And those feelings don’t always come back the next day, either.
I have other children, responsibilities, and a life that keeps moving. Sometimes months can pass before things slow down enough for those emotions to come forward again.
That doesn’t make the feelings any less real.
Finding What Helps — And Knowing How to Support Someone
For birth mothers, it can help to think about what has worked for you during difficult holidays before.
If staying busy helps, you might make plans ahead of time. If you need time alone, try to leave yourself some room for that. And if talking about your child helps, consider reaching out to someone you trust.
Pay attention when your emotions seem stronger than the situation would normally explain. You don’t have to assume it’s adoption-related, but recognizing that something else may be contributing can help you understand your reaction.
You also don’t have to approach every holiday the same way. What helps you one year may be different from what you need the next.
For family members, friends, adoptive parents, and others who want to offer support, one of the most helpful things you can do is pay attention without making assumptions.
If a birth mother seems unusually upset or withdrawn around a meaningful date, don’t immediately assume you know why. You can gently ask how she’s doing without pressuring her to explain.
If she wants to stay busy, you might offer to spend time doing something with her rather than insisting she sit down and talk about her feelings.
If she needs time alone, respect that without taking it personally.
And if she wants to talk about her child or the experiences she’s missed, listen without immediately trying to make her feel better.
You don’t have to find the perfect words or fix what she’s feeling. Sometimes simply remembering that a holiday may carry more meaning than you realize can help you respond with greater understanding.
Holidays after adoption placement can bring happiness, sadness, frustration, and memories together in unexpected ways.
Getting through the day doesn’t mean those feelings weren’t there. And having those feelings doesn’t mean someone wasn’t able to enjoy parts of the holiday.
At Birth Mother Network, my goal is to help birth mothers feel understood while giving the people around them a better understanding of how to offer meaningful support, not just during holidays, but throughout life after placement.