Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
It’s a day to remember the babies who never got the chance to grow up and to recognize the mothers, fathers, and families who carry that loss with them.
But I also think it’s a day to talk about something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough.
What happens to the grief that nobody asks about?
I’ve experienced a miscarriage. I’ve also placed a daughter for adoption.
And while both experiences have brought feelings of loss into my life, I want to be very clear about something. They were two very different losses.
With my daughter’s adoption, I knew she was alive. Because my adoption was open, I could still see her growing up and talk to her. Even if the adoption had been closed, I would have known she was out there somewhere, living her life. There would have been the possibility of meeting her someday.
With my miscarriage, that wasn’t possible.
That baby wasn’t going to grow up. There wouldn’t be birthdays, graduations, or a chance to meet years later.
That is a different kind of loss.
I know some birth mothers describe placing their child for adoption as feeling like their child died. I’m not saying their feelings are wrong. I’m saying that hasn’t been my experience.
And I think it’s important that we make room for those differences instead of assuming everyone experiences grief the same way.
Different losses can bring some of the same feelings without being the same loss.
For me, one of those feelings has been failure.
I’ve felt it in connection with both experiences, even though the circumstances were completely different.
But there’s another thing those experiences have had in common.
Nobody really talks about them.
I’ve never really sat down and gone through how I felt about my miscarriage or even how I feel about it today.
Not because I’ve forgotten.
I still think about it.
But nobody really asks. Nobody talks about it. And life doesn’t stop long enough for you to figure everything out.
So you push it down and keep going.
And I wonder how many other mothers have done the same thing.
How many have experienced a miscarriage years ago and still think about that baby, but have never had anyone ask how they’re doing?
How many have feelings they’ve never put into words because nobody opened the door for that conversation?
And how many would actually welcome the chance to talk about it if someone simply asked?
Sometimes a new loss can bring older grief back to the surface. A person might find themselves remembering something they thought they’d already worked through. Or they may realize they’ve been carrying feelings they never had the opportunity to understand.
That doesn’t happen to everyone, and it doesn’t mean the losses are the same.
But it reminds us that grief doesn’t always follow the timeline other people expect.
Support shouldn’t disappear just because time has passed.
And support doesn’t always mean having the right words.
Sometimes it means remembering that something happened.
Sometimes it means asking a question and being willing to listen to the answer.
And sometimes it means respecting that a mother doesn’t want to talk about it today, while making sure she knows she can if she ever wants to.
I don’t believe every mother needs to tell her story publicly. I don’t believe every mother wants to revisit her loss.
But I do believe she deserves the choice.
On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I want to remember the babies who aren’t here to grow up.
And I also want to remember the mothers who are still here, still living their lives, and sometimes still carrying feelings nobody has ever asked them about.
Because moving forward doesn’t always mean you’ve had the opportunity to grieve.
And just because a mother doesn’t talk about her loss doesn’t mean she doesn’t still think about it.
If you’re a mother who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, whether it happened recently or many years ago, I hope you know that your experience matters.
You don’t owe anyone your story.
But if you want to tell it, you deserve to be heard.
Birth Mother Network exists to provide support, share lived experiences, and help others better understand the experiences that can follow adoption placement. You can follow Birth Mother Network on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, and explore our resources and other articles on Payhip.