Sometimes silence is mistaken for healing.
When a birth mother stops talking about her adoption, the people around her may assume she has moved on, that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, or that it simply isn’t a big part of her life now.
But silence can mean something very different.
Sometimes she still thinks about it. Sometimes she would actually like to talk about it. She may simply not know how to begin or whether the people around her want to hear what she has to say.
When Everyone Else Thinks It’s Over
Placement happens on a particular day. Life after placement doesn’t.
During pregnancy and the adoption process, there may be people asking questions, checking in, offering support, and helping with practical things. Then placement happens, and gradually those conversations can disappear.
For the people around the birth mother, it may feel like the situation is over.
For her, it may not feel over at all.
When people stop asking, it’s easy to begin wondering:
Do they still care?
Do they not want me to talk about it?
Will I make them uncomfortable if I bring it up?
Eventually, saying nothing can feel easier than trying to figure out whether it’s safe to say something.
Sometimes Silence Was Learned Much Earlier
For some birth mothers, staying quiet didn’t begin after placement.
There are women who felt they needed to hide their pregnancy, the adoption, or parts of what they were experiencing. When you’ve spent months learning that something this significant should remain private, it doesn’t necessarily become easy to talk about simply because placement has happened.
I experienced some of this myself.
Because I had hidden so much, saying I was fine often felt like the acceptable answer afterward. Most of the people who knew about the adoption seemed to view it as something that had happened and was now finished.
That doesn’t mean everyone intentionally made me feel that way. Sometimes the people who care about us simply don’t know what to say either.
But when neither person knows how to begin, silence can continue for a very long time.
Not Talking Doesn’t Always Mean She Doesn’t Want to Talk
This is something I wish more people understood.
A birth mother not bringing up her adoption doesn’t automatically mean she doesn’t want you to bring it up.
She may not know where to start.
She may wonder how you’ll react.
She may worry that saying what she really feels will change how you see her or leave her feeling worse afterward.
And after enough time has passed without talking about something, breaking that silence can become difficult even when someone is finally willing to listen.
That’s why the people who know her best can matter so much.
You don’t have to force a conversation or find perfect words. Sometimes simply opening the door and letting her decide whether she wants to walk through it is enough.
And if she doesn’t want to talk that day, that’s okay too.
Talking Can Become Easier With Practice
I’ve noticed something interesting in my own life.
When I meet new people, I can tell them that I’m a birth mom. They often have questions. Sometimes those questions make me uncomfortable. Other times people are surprised and genuinely interested and grateful that I’m willing to talk about my experience.
Those conversations have helped make talking about adoption feel more familiar.
That doesn’t mean every birth mother should tell strangers her story. No one is entitled to the details of your adoption simply because they asked.
But if you’re a birth mother who wants to become more comfortable talking about your experience, sometimes starting with small, lower-pressure conversations can help. You can simply say you’re a birth mom. You get to decide what comes after that, how much you share, and which questions you answer.
You Don’t Have to Keep Everything Bottled Up
If you’ve stopped talking about your adoption, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve stopped needing to.
Maybe you’ve been quiet because you thought everyone expected you to be okay by now.
Maybe you’re worried about being judged.
Maybe the people who once supported you stopped asking, and you assumed that meant they didn’t want to hear about it anymore.
Or maybe you’ve been silent for so long that you genuinely don’t know where to begin.
You don’t have to have the perfect words.
And you don’t have to tell everyone.
Sometimes you just need one place where you can start talking.
That’s part of why I created Birth Mother Network. There is a real person behind BMN, and I know what it is like to carry an adoption story long after everyone else thinks that chapter has ended.
If you have questions, don’t know how to start talking about your experience, or simply feel like you need to finally get some of it out, you can email Birth Mother Network.
You don’t have to figure out what resource you need before reaching out. Right now, sometimes the best place to start is simply a conversation.
No birth mother should have to navigate that lifetime alone.