Have you ever looked at a date on the calendar and realized it means something completely different to you than it does to everyone else?
That’s something that can happen after adoption placement.
For everyone else, it might just be another day. They get up, go to work, take care of their families, and go about their normal routines. They might not even realize there’s anything significant about that date.
But for a birth mother, that same day can bring back memories, feelings, and questions that other people may never even think about.
And something I’ve learned over the years is that those questions don’t necessarily go away as time passes. They change.
When my daughter was younger, I might think more about what happened on a particular day. The memories of that time were still there, and certain dates could bring them right back.
But as she got older, I started wondering about different things.
What was she doing now? What was she like at that age? What was happening in her life on that particular day?
And then I had more children.
I don’t think people always realize how much that can change the things a birth mother thinks about.
I would watch my other children doing something at a certain age, or see what they were like around a particular date, and I’d find myself wondering about my daughter.
They’re siblings. Was she like that, too? Did she do some of the same things? Did she react the same way?
Sometimes it was something as simple as watching what one of my children was doing that day.
And those questions didn’t necessarily stay with me for weeks. Sometimes they were just part of that particular day. Something would happen, I’d wonder about her, and then life would keep moving.
But just because those thoughts didn’t last for days doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.
I think that’s something people misunderstand about birth mothers.
They may see that years have passed and think those dates shouldn’t affect us anymore. Or they see that we’ve had other children and assume that because we’ve gotten to experience certain things with them, we shouldn’t still feel anything about what we missed.
But having more children doesn’t make you stop wondering about the child you placed.
If anything, some of those experiences can give you new things to wonder about.
I got to see my other children grow. I got to experience things with them that I didn’t experience with my daughter. And sometimes those very experiences were what made me wonder what those moments had been like for her.
It’s not about loving one child more than another. It’s not about being unhappy with the life you have.
It’s about the fact that they’re different children, with different experiences, and one doesn’t replace the other.
And here’s another part of it that I wish more people understood.
Sometimes I wished I had someone I could talk to about those thoughts.
Not because I expected them to know the answers. They couldn’t tell me whether my daughter had done the same things as her siblings.
I just wanted to be able to talk about it.
If someone didn’t know what to say, that would’ve been okay. Just listening would’ve been enough.
And if they had questions of their own, or something I said made them wonder, I would’ve welcomed that, too.
I didn’t need someone to fix anything. I didn’t need them to tell me I shouldn’t be thinking about it after all those years.
I just wanted someone I could share those thoughts with.
But the reality is that most people around me wouldn’t really understand.
And I think that can make certain dates feel even more different. You’re going through your normal day like everyone else, but there’s this whole other conversation happening in your mind that nobody around you knows about.
Of course, not every birth mother experiences meaningful dates the same way.
Some dates may bring back painful memories. Others may bring happiness, curiosity, questions, or a mixture of feelings. Some years may be harder than others, and sometimes a date may pass without affecting her very much at all.
There isn’t one way these days are supposed to feel.
But I do think it’s important for people to understand that time passing doesn’t automatically make those dates less meaningful.
A birth mother’s child is growing. She’s growing, too. Her life is changing, and those changes can bring different memories, feelings, and questions.
So if there’s a birth mother in your life and she mentions something she’s thinking about on a particular day, don’t assume she’s looking for advice.
Maybe she just wants someone to listen.
And if you’re genuinely curious, it’s okay to ask a thoughtful question. You don’t have to pretend you understand everything she’s experienced. Just be willing to hear what she wants to share.
She may not always want to talk about it, either, and that’s okay. Let her decide.
And to the birth mothers reading this, I want to say something.
You can be happy with the life you’ve built and still have questions about the child you placed.
You can love the children you’re raising and still wonder about the experiences you didn’t have with another child.
You can have a perfectly ordinary day, have a thought about your child, and then go right back to whatever you were doing.
None of those things makes your experience any less meaningful.
The dates may stay the same, but we’re not the same people we were years ago. Our children are growing, our lives are changing, and sometimes the memories and questions change right along with us.
And sometimes, all we really need is someone willing to listen when we want to talk about them.
Birth Mother Network was created because no birth mother should have to navigate that lifetime alone.
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