Holidays are often filled with family traditions, celebrations, and memories. They also mark the passing of time, which can make them particularly meaningful for birth mothers who have experienced adoption placement.
As children grow older, the things we wonder about change. Holidays can bring questions about the experiences we missed, the lives our children are living now, and the traditions they may create in the future.
When the Questions Change
When my oldest daughter was little, Halloween made me wonder what costume she was wearing. As she got older, I wondered whether she was attending Halloween parties and spending time with friends.
Now she’s an adult, and my thoughts sometimes turn toward the future. If she has children somedayn what will they dress up as? Will she decorate her house for Halloween? Will she hand out candy or choose matching family costumes?
I always wanted to do family costumes, although nobody else in my family wanted to participate.
This year, I know my daughter is going to a Halloween party dressed as Christine from The Phantom of the Opera. I’m happy that I know about her plans, but I also recognize how many years of experiences I missed.
Having an open adoption allowed me to see my daughter grow up, but seeing those experiences wasn’t the same as being there for them.
That’s one reason holiday grief can change over time rather than simply disappear. The questions a birth mother has when her child is five may be very different from the ones she has when that child is twenty-five.
The Moments Between the Milestones
When people think about adoption grief, they often think of birthdays, anniversaries, and Mother’s Day. But everyday experiences can be just as meaningful.
For me, spending time with my younger children sometimes brings questions about my oldest daughter’s childhood. I might watch them enjoying something and wonder whether she liked the same things or had similar experiences.
Holidays can bring more of those moments because family traditions often revolve around children. Choosing costumes, decorating, and making plans are ordinary activities, but they can carry different meanings for someone who missed those experiences with a child.
Not every birth mother experiences holidays this way. Some may find particular celebrations difficult, while others may enjoy them without sadness. The important thing is understanding that there isn’t a single timeline or experience that applies to everyone.
What Others Can Do
One of the simplest ways to support a birth mother is to remember that her child remains part of her life, regardless of how much time has passed.
For me, I often put my feelings aside to focus on my other children. I don’t always know whether someone wants to hear what I’m thinking, and it would mean a great deal if someone simply asked.
During the holidays, family members and friends can offer that opportunity through ordinary conversations. Ask how she’s doing, show interest in her child when appropriate, and listen if she chooses to share.
There’s no need to assume she’s struggling or turn every holiday into a conversation about adoption. Just remember that the opportunity to talk can matter.
Holidays will continue changing as our children grow older, and our experiences as birth mothers may change with them.
At Birth Mother Network, we believe that understanding those experiences is an important part of supporting birth mothers throughout their lives. Through education and honest conversations, we hope to encourage greater awareness of what life after adoption placement can look like.
Follow Birth Mother Network and explore our educational resources to learn more about the experiences that continue long after placement.