The Complaints of Distress
I recently unblocked my mom from my phone after going no contact since middle of July. I sent a message to my parents and two siblings, both 6-7 years older than I am.
I sent this message after I sat down to write a letter and it turned more into a memoir. So I just sent a text simple and direct . It listed out the attempt to write a full letter.
During the first attempt ,the first memory of my father hitting my mom and me trying to pack a bag was first to arrive. After that several incidents of more recent history of intense anger, arguing , name calling , and crossed boundaries during my adult years. I labeled how it impacted me mentally, physically and emotionally and the disinterest of my daughter witnessing the behaviors.
I have no agency during the situation but I do have agency myself or my daughter will be exposed.
This was not a first contact of speaking about issues. I was often bulldozed and guilted when bringing up how often I visited compared to the other family coming my way. I often asked about them being apart of my daughter’s events , games anything not of extreme convinces that isn’t money or a gift.
Clarity & Confidence
In my most recent letter to my family I also named two of my abusers as a child. The abusers were my cousins that my parents took in when I was in first grade.
I named exactly what happened to me as an early as 8 maybe earlier. This was the first time I spoke to anyone in family about this. The last time I visited them my parents were attending the child’s birthday party of one of the cousins that abused me. Abusers were were both teens starting 16 -up.
Calling In Light & Breaking Curses
My daughter’s birthday recently passed and this was hard with having limited contact with family. We went away for a quick trip versus a party. I was actively calling in love and light and releasing guilt, sadness , disappointment wanting the best for my daughter and myself.
I decided to unblock my parents after having a dream of my mom come to me in it. I felt a sense of release and shift related to my mother and bloodline.My Intuition said to unblock to see and wait .I wanted to see what would happened.
Shut Up and Forgive Me
This morning a day after I unblocked my parents, my mother calls me at 6 am. The call was to command why I should forgive them for whatever they did. She went on to say “I know other people hurt you but you have to forgive us , we may not be around soon” . My mother brought my partner up as we married , divorced and reconciled.
People want benefits but not willing to do what is required to get it. I am a forgiving , loving and naturally want everyone to be connected. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
My partner and I commit to the evolution of self everyday. We have open ,honest and challenging conversations regularly. We change with action, emotions , beliefs and accountability.
I have fully forgiven my parents for what has happened , what won’t be heard and what it is. I now feel at ease that I told my story and even if my brother is the only that acknowledged it.
Confirmation Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
I’m not sure what I was expecting from my letter. Maybe change , some acknowledgment, to be seen , to be asked what can be done . It came in the form of confirmation that it’s not safe to talk to , be with , trust my parents with anything real.
It helps to finally release guilt from keeping my daughter from them. It hurts that I can’t just call my mom when I’m having tough time, questions on parenting , a hug and some encouragement. Grandparent visits etc. and I am grateful for the time she was in my life and my daughter’s life.
Awakened Parent Chronicles
I love my parents for giving me what they could and sacrificing for our wellbeing. I love my parents for surviving through their pain. I love my parents for being what they can be.
This Journey of awakening has not been easy but necessary. Awakening to the illusions that I lived, accepted and created. Loving myself truly for me being me and not what I do. Understanding my connection to God in a more authentic way has been life changing. Seeing myself has a co-creator and leader in the new world of collective awareness.
I now speak to myself as I am my own child at times. I know I am strong , caring and I’m doing amazing job bringing my daughter up, reraising myself and breaking curses through redemption ,disillusion ,peace and unconditional love.
Ase