Disclaimer: I’m gonna start this off with two quick things. Mom & Dad, you may wanna skip this one. And guys, don’t think this is the norm. Oh, and trigger warning—we’re talking about sex, trauma, and healing today.
Dating after sexual trauma is a minefield.
It’s full of overthinking, second-guessing, and wondering if you’ll ever be able to trust someone, or yourself, again—not just emotionally but physically. For a long time, I didn’t think I could.
Then came my date with Mr. We’ll See.
I didn’t go into that first date expecting anything more than dinner and good conversation. But what unfolded was something I hadn’t felt in a long time—trust. And, I’m not talking about in him, but in myself. The way I moved through the night, the way I checked in with my body, the way I let go of the noise in my head and just listened to my gut. It was healing in a way I didn’t even know I needed.
For a long time, sex felt like something that was taken from me rather than something I chose to share. Sexual assault has a way of making your own body feel like it doesn’t belong to you. Even decades later, even after all the therapy and self-work, there was still a part of me that wondered: Will I ever feel autonomy and control again?
The world has a lot of opinions about how women should move through healing. Some say you need to wait, to be cautious, to make sure every relationship is “serious” before having sex. Others push the idea of a “hoe phase,” as if the only way to reclaim your body is running full speed into casual encounters. And maybe that does work for some.
But the truth? Healing doesn’t come in a one-size-fits-all package.
That night with Mr. We’ll See, something just kinda, clicked. I wasn’t making a decision out of obligation, fear, or expectation. I wasn’t overanalyzing if it was too soon or not soon enough. I was simply listening to my gut. And my gut said yes, you are safe.
For the first time in a long time, I felt a deep sense of trust and autonomy over my own body. Because I wasn’t following some rulebook about waiting or not waiting, but instead I was doing what felt right for me. And that’s the most empowering part—not the sex itself, but the choice.
Some women heal by exploring, by having safe, consensual, casual, fun sex. Some heal by taking things slow, needing time to rebuild trust and only feeling safe opening up in a relationship.
Guess what?! Both are okay.
There is no right way to heal. There is no wrong way to reclaim your body. The only thing that matters is that you trust yourself. That you listen to your body, your gut, and what feels aligned for you—not what society, your friends, or your date think you should do.
We live in a world that tells women how to feel about sex (and especially sex post trauma). If you have it casually, you’re “too much”. If you wait, you’re “too guarded.” If you change your mind along the way, you’re “confused”. But the truth is, empowerment looks different for everyone.
For me, this experience was a turning point. I realized I can trust myself. I can have a healthy relationship with sex on my terms. And I can continue redefining what it all looks like for me, without shame or outside noise.
Because at the end of the day, the most important voice in the room isn’t society’s, your friends’, or even your date’s. It’s YOURS. And learning to listen to your gut—that’s where the real healing happens.
So, if you’re in a place where you’re still figuring out sex post trauma—whether you’re stepping into a hoe phase, taking it slow, or somewhere in between—just know this:
Your body is yours. Your choices are yours.
Oh, and I guess I really can have sex on the first date…
Love Ya.
Resources for Healing & Support:
If you’re navigating trauma, intimacy, or just reclaiming your body, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few helpful resources:
📖 Trauma by Paul Conti – This book has been incredibly eye-opening for me, especially as I’ve worked through my own healing. It’s all about understanding trauma and how it affects our lives, relationships, and sense of self.
📞 National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1-800-656-4673 (RAINN)
Available 24/7, confidential, and free. If you ever need support, guidance, or someone to listen, this is a wonderful resource.
🌎 Therapy & Support Groups – Whether it’s individual therapy or group support, creating a safe space to process can make a huge difference. Websites like Psychology Today can help you find a therapist nearby.
💡 Remember: Healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take your time. Trust yourself, listen to your gut, and know that whatever stage you’re at, you’re right where you need to be.
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