I usually do not write blog posts this late in the evening. I write them early when I rise to craft my day. At that time, my mind is fresh and the ideas come in fast. I am ready to receive what I am supposed to communicate to my readers.
Tonight has been different.
I had a full day and spent time with good people. Laughs were abundant and filled our evening with happiness.While unwinding, I decided that I would go through my workbook that will be released next week, and the section I am working on is the title of this blog. I hesitated to write what I was thinking, but here we are, about to explore our communication patterns.
In 2020, I spoke to a woman I had made an appointment with to discuss a business opportunity. We talked for a while, and she asked me if I had trouble communicating what I wanted.
I didn't think I did.
She pressed a little more into the question. I told her that I did not like conflict, and I felt that if I communicated an objection, there would be conflict. And like I said, I just didn't like it.
She told me that I needed to get into the habit of saying, "My needs matter."
She said if I didn't tell someone how I was feeling, how could I expect to get something that I wanted?
I thought about this long and hard.
And I thought about it some more.
I realized that she was right, but it wasn't just in my relationships. It was in everything that I was doing.
I have so many books, products, and curriculums that I've made over the years that I never, ever asked anyone to purchase. I am told all the time that I really need to put myself out there. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought maybe I would just be one of those people that someone would look under a rock and they'd see what I produced.
But it didn't happen.
So, in that moment, I was not getting the response that I wanted because I did not communicate what it was that I wanted.
Over the next four to five years, I worked on the mindset behind why I wasn't communicating what I truly wanted, and I found that I felt unworthy of what I wanted.
When you look at the mind of a salesperson, they have to be so in love with what they are saying—not so much what they are talking about—that they have convinced themselves enough to convince other people to buy what they are advertising. They believe what they are offering deserves people's attention.
They feel worthy of people's attention.
So, as I continue to go on, I want to ask you:
What is something that you are not communicating, but you are expecting a result from it?
It's really simple when you start to look around at the things that you are experiencing in your relationships and in your business.
- Do you really believe that what you have is of value to someone who would take their money and give it to you in exchange for that value?
- Do you believe that what you need in a relationship matters enough for you to say it?
- Do you believe your ideas deserve to be heard?
- Do you believe what you want matters enough to communicate it?
Well, I didn't.
I didn't believe that what I needed or wanted mattered enough to tell someone. So, I had to do a few exercises, and most of it came from me working on the abandonment that I had gone through when I was a child.
OK, here we go with the trauma talk—but it's so true.
Not being able to communicate can come from something that either stunted or stopped you from talking, asking, expressing yourself, or experiencing the freedom of telling someone what you wanted and getting an honest and true answer.
Sometimes we learned that asking created conflict.
Sometimes we learned that speaking up caused someone to leave.
Sometimes we learned that "no" meant rejection instead of simply being an answer.
And sometimes we became so accustomed to keeping the peace that we stopped asking ourselves what we actually wanted.
Then we grow up and wonder why people don't understand us.
Why aren't people supporting my business?
Why doesn't this person know what I need?
Why am I constantly doing things I don't want to do?
Why aren't people buying what I'm selling?
Why don't I feel heard?
But here is the question I had to ask myself:
Did I communicate it?
Not hint at it.
Not hope they figured it out.
Not post something vague and hope the right person understood.
Not get upset because someone should have known.
Did I actually communicate what I wanted?
That changed something for me because communication requires a level of vulnerability. When I communicate what I want, I have to be willing to receive an answer. That answer might be yes. It might be no. It might be not right now. It might even be an answer I don't like. But at least I have given myself the opportunity to be heard. And that is something I didn't always give myself.
3 Things That Can Help You Communicate What You Want
1. Practice Saying What You Want Without Explaining It Away
Start small.
"I would like..."
"I need..."
"I don't agree with..."
"I would prefer..."
"I'm selling..."
"I would like you to support..."
Notice what happens inside of you when you say these things. Do you immediately feel the need to explain yourself? Do you start apologizing? Do you soften your request so much that the other person doesn't even know what you're asking?
Practice communicating the request first.
You are not demanding that someone give you what you want. You are simply giving them the opportunity to respond to what you actually said.
2. Stop Deciding Someone's Answer Before You Ask
This was a big one for me.
Sometimes we don't communicate because we have already created the conversation in our heads.
"They're going to say no."
"They probably won't buy it."
"They're going to think I'm asking for too much."
"They might get mad."
"They don't want to hear about my business."
Well...did they tell you that?
Or did you tell yourself that for them?
When you decide someone's response before communicating with them, you take away their opportunity to make their own decision—and you take away your opportunity to receive what you asked for.
Let people answer for themselves.
3. Ask Yourself What You Are Expecting That You Haven't Communicated
Take a piece of paper and write:
"What am I currently expecting from someone that I have never clearly communicated?"
Now think about your relationships, your business, your family, your friendships, your work, and even your audience.
What are you expecting?
Then ask yourself:
Have I actually said it?
Because sometimes the problem isn't that people aren't responding to us.
Sometimes there was never anything clearly communicated for them to respond to.
I spent years believing that people would somehow see what I had created, understand what I needed, recognize what I wanted, and respond accordingly.
Now I understand something different.
Communication gives people something to respond to.
And learning to communicate what I want doesn't guarantee that I will always get the answer I want. It guarantees that I stop abandoning my own voice before anyone else ever gets the opportunity to hear it.
So, I'll leave you with the same question I'm asking myself as I work through this section of my workbook tonight:
What are you not communicating that you are still expecting a result from?
Maybe it's time to say it.
That's All I Got!
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