Someone asked me this question on Instagram, and as I thought about my response, I sincerely felt I should bring the conversation here to the blog as well. Because perhaps there is a wife somewhere who needs to read this.
Perhaps you genuinely love your husband, but you've never really stopped to ask yourself what loving him looks like beyond saying, “I love you.” Or perhaps you've heard so much about a wife respecting her husband that you've never really considered the fact that your husband needs to experience your love too.
So, let's get right into it!
How can a wife love her husband?
I honestly think this is a very important question, and I'm super glad that it was asked.
Because a lot of times, whenever we talk about love in marriage, we can easily assume that “the loving” is primarily the husband's responsibility. And I understand why.
Scripture says in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
So we talk about husbands loving their wives. Then when we talk about wives, we immediately go to:
Respect your husband.
Honour your husband.
And those are great and absolutely biblical. Ephesians 5:33 specifically instructs the wife to respect her husband. But somewhere along the line, we can begin to sound as though men don't need love. As though a husband only needs respect: “Just honour him. Respect him.” And that's okay.
But your husband is a human being too. Just as a wife desires to be loved by her husband, your husband desires to be loved too. He needs to be loved. In fact, Titus 2:4 specifically speaks about wives being taught to love their husbands and their children. But before we even talk about how a wife can love her husband, I think we should establish something first.
What Is Love?
When you hear, “Love your husband,” what does that actually mean?
Love is not merely saying, “I love you.” Love is not merely romance. Love is not merely sex. Love isn't only the butterflies you felt when you first met. Love is way deeper than that.
Love is selfless. Love is intentional. Love is thoughtful. Love is caring. Love is compassionate. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love seeks to understand. Love considers the other person. Love gives. Love serves. Love is willing to inconvenience itself for the good of another.
And Scripture gives us an even deeper understanding of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and 1 John 4:8.
First John 4:8 tells us:
“God is love.”
So, if we really want to understand what love is, we should look closely at the nature of God. Look at His nature toward us, His compassion, His patience, His mercy, His faithfulness, and His desire for fellowship with us. Look at the way He draws us to Himself. Look at the way He cares for us. And ultimately, look at how He gave.
John 3:16 says:
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…”
I want you to pay attention to that. We see clearly from Scripture that God loved, and God gave. His love expressed itself. His love cost something. His love wasn't merely something He announced. He demonstrated it.
Romans 5:8 says:
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
That is love in action, and this is why, when Scripture tells a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church, it points him toward a sacrificial kind of love—a love that gives of itself. But here is what I don't want wives to miss: The husband's command to love sacrificially does not mean the wife has been exempted from loving.
Marriage isn't:
Husband = love.
Wife = respect.
As though these two human beings don't need anything else from each other. Your husband needs your respect, yes. But he also needs your tenderness, thoughtfulness, kindness, support, companionship, encouragement, affection, care, and your concern.
He needs to experience your love.
Everything we've just talked about that defines love—the intentionality, the care, the compassion, the kindness, the thoughtfulness, the giving—your husband needs to experience those things too.
So, wife, what can loving your husband actually look like in practical terms?
1. Support Him
One way you can practically love your husband is by being a support system to him.
- What is he building?
- What is he working toward?
- What has God placed in his heart?
- What is his vision?
- What is his calling?
- What responsibilities is he carrying?
- What is he trying to become?
Take an interest in it.
If God has called your husband into ministry, support him in that calling.
If he's building a business, take an interest in it.
If he's pursuing a career, support him.
If he's going back to school, encourage him.
If he's trying to build something for the family, let him know that he has somebody in his corner.
Now, support doesn't mean agreeing with every idea your husband has. If you see something he doesn't see, speak. If you have concerns, raise them. If you have wisdom that could help him, contribute it. You could say:
“I understand what you're trying to achieve, and I support you. But there's something here that concerns me. Can we think through it together?”
That's support too. Support is not blind agreement. Support says, “I'm standing with you.”
Imagine your husband has been working on something for months and things aren't going as planned. He comes home discouraged and says:
“I don't even know whether this is going to work anymore.”
That is probably not the moment to say:
“I told you from the beginning that this wouldn't work.”
But he hears this from you instead:
“I know you've put a lot into this. I'm sorry things aren't going the way you hoped. What happened? Let's talk about it.”
You haven't solved his problem. You haven't lied to him. You haven't promised him that everything will work out. But you have communicated something:
“You don't have to carry this moment alone.”
That's love.
2. Be the Helper God Called You to Be
Genesis 2:18 says:
“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Wife, there is purpose attached to your presence in your husband's life, and being a helper does not mean being inferior to your husband. It doesn't mean you don't have a voice. It doesn't mean becoming his servant. It means you bring something valuable into the partnership.
Bring your strength, your wisdom, your insight, your gifts, and your perspective. Bring what God has placed inside you.
Maybe your husband is a visionary, but you're excellent at organization.
Maybe he sees the big picture, but you notice details he misses.
Maybe there's something he is struggling to figure out and you have knowledge that could help.
He says:
“I don't know how we're going to handle this.”
You don't necessarily respond:
“You're the man. Figure it out.”
You can say:
“Okay, let's look at it together. What are our options?”
That's partnership. That's help. That's love.
But there's also a difference between helping your husband and controlling your husband. A helper says:
“How can I support you?”
A controller says:
“Move. I'll do it myself because you never get anything right.”
A helper contributes. A controller takes over.
A helper strengthens. A controller can make the other person feel incapable.
Step into being the helper God called you to be without trying to become the person who controls everything.
3. Encourage Him
Be your husband's cheerleader, and by cheerleader, I don't mean flatter him.
Encouragement isn't pretending something is good when it isn't. Encouragement is being able to recognize what is good, what is growing, what is improving, and what deserves to be acknowledged.
First Thessalonians 5:11 says:
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”
Your husband may be going out every day into a world that demands a lot of him. He may be dealing with pressure at work, financial pressure, rejection, responsibility, expectations, and uncertainty.
Things may not always work out the way he planned, and there is something beautiful about a man knowing: “Whatever happens out there, I have somebody in my corner at home.”
If you see him trying, acknowledge it.
If you see growth, acknowledge it.
If he's becoming more intentional with the children, tell him.
“I've noticed how much more time you've been spending with the children lately. I really appreciate it.”
If he's making an effort in your marriage:
“I've noticed what you've been doing. Thank you.”
Don't let your husband feel that the only time you open your mouth concerning him is when something needs correcting.
Let him hear what he's doing right too.
4. Be His Friend
Let him know that he's got a friend in you. Not just a wife. Not just the mother of his children. Not just somebody he pays bills with. A friend.
Someone he can talk to, laugh with, dream with, and be silly with. Someone he enjoys coming home to.
Marriage can become very functional if you're not careful: The children, school, bills, work, food, appointments, and responsibilities.
Before long, the only conversations you're having are:
“Did you pay this?”
“Did you pick up the children?”
“What time are you coming home?”
“We need to buy this.”
But what happened to:
“How are you?”
“How was your day?”
“What's been on your mind?”
“Tell me about that idea you had.”
“What are you excited about?”
Your husband is more than the role he performs in the family. Know the man. Enjoy the man. Laugh with him. Spend time with him. Take an interest in his world. That's love.
5. Be a Safe Space for Him
This is important, especially when we're talking about male vulnerability.
If you want your husband to open up to you, what happens when he actually does?
What happens when the strong man says:
“I'm scared.”
What happens when he says:
“I don't know what to do.”
What happens when he admits:
“I'm overwhelmed.”
What happens when he tells you:
“I feel like I've failed.”
Does what he tells you in vulnerability become ammunition during your next argument?
Because you cannot ask a man to open his heart to you and then punish him for opening it.
If he once tells you:
“I feel like I'm failing as a husband,”
and months later you're angry and say something like:
“Even you know you're a failure. Didn't you say it yourself?”
You've taught him something:
“My vulnerability isn't safe with you.”
Proverbs 31:11 says:
“The heart of her husband safely trusts her.”
I love that picture. Wife, let your husband know: “Your heart can be safe with me.”
Just to be clear, this doesn't mean hiding abuse, infidelity, criminal behaviour, addiction, or destructive secrets that require appropriate help and accountability.
I'm talking about his heart. His fears. His insecurities. His disappointments. His dreams. His struggles. His weaknesses. Let him know:
“You have a confidant in me.”
6. Honour and Respect Him
Love can also be expressed through honour. Ephesians 5:33 specifically instructs the wife to respect her husband. And one practical way to examine this is to ask:
Does everybody outside my home receive a more respectful version of me than my husband does?
You speak respectfully to your boss. You honour your pastor. You're patient with your colleagues. You're polite to strangers. You speak highly of other people. But what happens when you get home?
- Don't give everybody outside your marriage your patience, courtesy, and honour, and then give your husband contempt.
- Don't embarrass him publicly.
- Don't compare him with other husbands.
- Don't use his weaknesses as jokes.
- Don't treat another man with a level of admiration and consideration that makes your own husband feel insignificant beside him.
Let him experience: “I matter to my wife.” Not because he's perfect. Not because he's always right. But because this is the man you've chosen to build a life with. And respect does not mean silence.
You can disagree. You can challenge him. You can say something is wrong. You can establish boundaries.
You don't have to dishonour your husband in order to disagree with him.
7. Be Thoughtful Toward Him
Thoughtfulness is love because thoughtfulness says: “I thought about you.”
Maybe he's had a difficult week, and you prepare something he enjoys.
Maybe you see something small while you're out and think:
“My husband would like this.”
Maybe he has an important meeting, and you send:
“I'm praying for you today. You've got this.”
Maybe he's exhausted, and you say:
“Go and rest. I'll take care of this.”
Maybe you plan something he enjoys—not what you enjoy and expect him to enjoy too.
Love studies the person. Love pays attention. Love remembers.
You don't need a birthday or anniversary before you become intentional. Ordinary days need love too.
8. Care for Him
Don't only care about what your husband can provide. Care about the man who is doing the providing.
- If he's exhausted, make an effort to notice.
- If he has become unusually quiet, notice.
- If he hasn't been sleeping well, notice.
- If he's overwhelmed, ask.
- If he's neglecting his health, encourage him to take care of himself.
There may be many people in your husband's life asking: “What can you do for me?”
His employer needs something. The children need something. The bills require something. Family members need something. Responsibilities keep calling. And perhaps, wife, you can occasionally be the person who looks beyond what he can provide and asks:
“How are you doing?”
Not:
“What haven't you done?”
Not:
“What do we still need?”
But:
“How are YOU?”
That's care. And care is love.
9. Be Affectionate Toward Him
Your husband needs tenderness too. Don't make him responsible for initiating every hug. Every kiss. Every touch. Every romantic moment. Every sexual encounter.
Reach for him, hug him, kiss him, sit close to him, touch him when you walk past, tell him he looks good.
Send him a message during the day:
“I've been thinking about you.”
Let him experience being desired by his wife. And affection doesn't always have to lead to sex. Sometimes it's simply: “Come here.” And you hug him. There is something beautiful about a husband knowing:
“My wife genuinely enjoys being close to me.”
10. Pray for Him
And please don't only pray about your husband.
“Lord, change him.”
“Lord, make him see.”
“Lord, deal with him.”
Pray for the man.
- Pray for his relationship with God.
- Pray for his mind.
- Pray for wisdom.
- Pray for his work.
- Pray for his purpose.
- Pray for his integrity.
- Pray for his health.
- Pray for his decisions.
- Pray for his role as a husband.
- Pray for his role as a father.
- Pray for the calling of God upon his life.
- Pray against temptation.
- Pray that he becomes everything God has called him to become.
And then pray:
“Lord, teach me how to love my husband well.”
Because while you're asking God to work in him, God may show you areas where He wants to work in you too.
And Finally, Learn How Your Husband Receives Love
After reading all of this, here's something practical I would encourage every wife to do.
Ask him:
“What do I do that makes you feel loved?”
And perhaps:
“Is there something I could do more often that would help you experience my love?”
Then listen. Don't defend yourself. Don't tell him why his answer is wrong. Just Listen. Because you may be doing many things that you consider loving, but they may not be the things that speak most deeply to him.
You may say:
“But I cook for you every day!”
And he appreciates it. But perhaps what he deeply wants is:
“Sit with me.”
You may buy him gifts. But what he longs to hear is:
“I believe in you.”
You may do a hundred things around the house. But perhaps what he misses is your affection. Learn your husband.
You must understand that loving your husband isn't merely about following a generic list of things wives should do.
It is about learning the particular man you married and intentionally communicating love in ways that are healthy, meaningful, and godly.
So yeah… respect him, but don't stop there. Take it a bit further by supporting him, helping him, and encouraging him.
Be his friend. Be his safe space. Honour him. Be thoughtful toward him. Care for him. Be affectionate toward him. Pray for him. And learn him.
Your husband is not made of stone. He needs love too.
And as we established at the beginning, if we want to understand what love looks like, we study the nature of God.
His love is not merely spoken. It is demonstrated. It gives. It serves. It cares. It is intentional. And your love for your husband should also find expression.
So perhaps the question every wife should ask herself isn't only:
“Do I love my husband?”
But:
“Does my husband experience my love?”
The truth is, love isn't merely something you know exists in your heart.
The person you love should be able to experience it in the way you treat them.
If you're reading this and you enjoyed it or learnt a thing or two from it, let me know in the comments. I'd love to hear from you. Also, feel free to let me know what you'd like me to talk about next.