Do you feel like God left you when you were losing your baby? As you were hearing the news of a possible loss leading up to an actual loss, did you ever wonder where God was in the midst of it?
I lost my beautiful baby girl, Naomi, on May 5, 2015. She was 24 gestational, and she was underdeveloped and was considered to be 18 weeks gestational. I had placental previa, which led to placental abruption. Throughout my pregnancy, my high-risk doctor kept telling me that my placenta was “all over the place”. That’s not really a diagnosis, but that’s the best way she could explain it. Naomi was born on April 27, 2015, weighing 12 oz. She needed multiple blood transfusions, she was hooked up to various breathing machines, and she endured many tests. Unfortunately, her lungs weren’t developed enough, so Naomi passed away due to respiratory failure.
Honestly, I didn’t think that Naomi was going to pass away. I was mentally preparing to go to the NICU for months until she was ready to come with my first daughter and me. So, when the doctors surrounded my bed and told me that Naomi wouldn’t even be born alive, it was traumatizing, but I didn’t believe them. I remember telling them, “I hear what you’re saying, but my daughter will be alive when she comes out”. I guess we can call that crazy faith, because these were professionals with many years of experience, but my faith in God wouldn’t let me believe them.
Naomi was alive and breathing (the best she could) when she was born. I remember hearing the doctors tell me that they saved my uterus (had a C-section) and that my baby is alive. That brought me so much joy.
The following 8 days were rough. On the second day, I was told that this was Naomi’s last day and that I needed to prepare my family. By the grace of God, that wasn’t the case; she lived past the second day. I got to spend hours in the NICU looking at her move her tiny legs and arms. She had jaundice for a couple of days, and she healed from that. Her brain and heart scans had good results. This nurse told me that I was making Naomi suffer. That made me so mad, and it broke my heart because I just wanted my baby to live. Just like any mother who wants to take her baby home, create memories, watch her grow, and watch her become her own person. I wasn’t trying to harm her, I just wanted her to live.
Day 8: Naomi’s lungs are failing, and she will be transitioning to her heavenly home.
I got to hold Naomi for the first time; her oxygen went up, and she was making little, cute baby sounds. I was filled with so many mixed emotions because I was happy I got to hold her, but sad that I would never get to hold her again after this final day. She and I were surrounded by the most loving and strongest women I know: my mom and grandma.
Where was God? He was right in the midst of it all. He was the one who kept me alive, he was the one who allowed Naomi to come out the womb alive, he was the one who allowed her to live after the second day, he was the one who allowed her to heal from jaundice, he was the one who allowed her to have good results from her brain and heart scans, he was the one that provided the pastor to Bless her, he was the one who allowed her oxygen to raise when I held her, he was the one who took her hand when she transitioned, and he was the one who comforted my mom. I, as Naomi, took my last breath. HE WAS RIGHT THERE.
I know that going through such turbulence and grief can leave us wondering why all of this is happening and why God isn’t turning this around. Like the word says in John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” This is a reminder that, yes, we will endure heartache, confusion, grief, despair, etc. But God is with us. In the midst of it all…he hasn’t left us. He won’t ever leave us. I needed to hold on to these promises because I was shocked that I was actually losing a child.
I wanted to be alone. I was lying in bed and crying all day. I did just that. I remember listening to a gospel song, “He’ll Take Your Pain Away,” by Kirk Franklin, and that song helped me so much. I wanted to be comforted, I wanted the pain to go away, and I wanted to get on the other side of this heartache. Getting on the other side of it doesn’t mean that grief has ended or that I forgot about her. It means that I can give this to God, I can include him in my grief and frustration, and experience his comfort.
Everyone grieves differently. I encourage you to let God in on your grief. Express your raw feelings to him, your anger towards him, your frustration with your body, your anger with your partner…whatever it is, our God can handle it. Then ask God to help you get to the other side of this. You’ll hear him as you read his word, fellowship with others, worship, and pray.
I encourage you to think about the events surrounding the loss of your baby. Think about how God intervened on your behalf. Think about how he was there, in those moments, in the in-between.
SCRIPTURES ON GRIEF:
• Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22
• He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3
• He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. - Revelation 21:4
SCRIPTURES ON COMFORT:
• Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:4
• Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
SONG OF THE WEEK:
God Is In This Story - Katy Nichole & Big Daddy Weave
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