I’ve always had God in my heart. I grew up in church, and my family prayed and praised the Lord. I knew about God. I knew that he was my father who lives in Heaven, and that Jesus was his son (at some point, I referred to Jesus as my brother). When I went to college, I stayed true to how I was raised, no parties, no drinking, etc. Soon, and I mean VERY soon, I started to indulge in drinking. Drinking led to partying, partying led to inappropriate activities, which led to many other things that I am not proud of today. All this time, I had God in my heart. You couldn't tell me, the couple of times I went to campus bible study, that I wasn’t doing my due diligence in recognizing God as my precious Heavenly Father. I did not realize then just how far away from God I was, and how Jesus is more than a brother; I didn’t realize I was minimizing his role as savior and king. His divinity and uniqueness as being the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father.
Fast forward to 21-year-old me, lying in a dark room as the ultrasound technician tells me that I am pregnant. Unmarried, not even in a relationship. That was a dark time; it felt like ALL my misconduct had been exposed. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I was in school and had a fantastic internship, I didn’t have a job, and I was a mess.
I remember when my beautiful daughter was six months old, I felt like I was at my MAX. I got on my knees, and I cried to the Lord. In that moment, on my knees, I surrendered my life to Christ, asking for help, asking for peace, asking for guidance…I was ready to turn my life around and make Christ the center of my life. I studied the word, I prayed for people, I stopped drinking, and I started practicing abstinence. I was all in.
Fast forward, I get into a relationship, and I started off standing on my own ground regarding abstinence. I was pregnant very shortly after. I remember one of my friends saying to me, “You’re pregnant?! – I thought you were all about God”. I was VERY OFFENDED. My thinking was: “I love God, I know him, and he loves me. Plus, this is my boyfriend; it’s not just any person. I’m in a relationship with this guy. When people are in a relationship, it’s okay for them to sleep together and have babies”. That was a lie I told myself to make me feel comfortable in my sin.
My baby died…in 2015, at 24 weeks pregnant, I birthed Naomi Shivani – she was 12oz, and she only lived for eight days.
I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand why God would allow this. By then, though, I started to know God more, and I was never mad at him; I was just surprised and heartbroken. He was with me, he healed my pain, he healed my broken heart. He comforted me in one of the darkest seasons of my life. I know the medical reason why my daughter has passed away, but I feel it was much deeper than that; but that’s for another day.
2016: I gave birth to a handsome little boy. Still out of wedlock (same guy). But God had mercy on me, despite my absolute disobedience. THIS DOES NOT MEAN he rewards disobedience; this is showing his love and displaying his will. That, despite me, he has plans for my son, and that my son needed to be born.
Life happens. I became a single mother again. I decided that I needed to be “outside”. I wanted to have fun too; my life was dedicated to my children, and I felt it wasn’t fair that I didn’t get to enjoy life outside of being a mom. Enjoying my life meant drinking lots of wine and living outside of God’s will for my life. I KNOW I heard God tell me to stop. I was even reading my bible, I’m talking about I was IN MY WORD. But I was getting drunk later that evening and went out frolicking. LUKE WARM is what they call that.
The fact of the matter is that I was outside of God’s will, and it took embarrassment, shame, betrayal, heartbreak, physical pain, and near death for me to wake up finally. For me to finally realize that God has been calling my name this entire time, I finally realized that this loving God could have taken me while I was DEEP in sin. But this unconditional loving, merciful, patient, gracious, kind, redeeming, restoring GOD welcomed me back into his arms. He has brought me through being pregnant and depressed, he brought me through the loss of my child, he brought me through a sinful and unstable relationship, he brought me through promiscuity, he brought me through shame and embarrassment, and he saved me spiritually and physically. He saved me. He kept me.
I’m here to tell you that you haven’t gone too far. The fact that you’re reading this is a sign that you hear God calling your name. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. He gave his son, Jesus Christ, as a living sacrifice for you. This is your call to action: right now, say, "Lord, I come to you today wholeheartedly, asking for your forgiveness and mercy. I have strayed away, and I am ready to return to you. Thank you for the love and kindness you have shown me every day. That, despite me, you have kept me. I hear you, Lord, and I'm ready to say yes. I am ready to surrender my life to you. I am ready to be a living sacrifice. Fill me up, Lord, with your ways, your thoughts, and your will. Guide me, Lord, as I navigate my way back to you. Give me strength, courage, and understanding. I love You, Lord; I praise You; I thank You for choosing me; I thank You for Your Son, Jesus Christ, and Your Holy Spirit who dwells in me. In Jesus' name, I pray – Amen”.
May you find hope, peace, and comfort in the Lord.
SCRIPTURES ON SEXUAL IMMORALITY:
- 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit... Therefore, honor God with your bodies.
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 - For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor.
SCRIPTURES ON HOPE:
- Isaiah 40:31 - But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
- Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
- Romans 5:3-4 - Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
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