With adulting you get to unlearn and learn so much yet others we choose not to and just adjust because it's draining.
We live the lives we harshly judged when we were younger I guess when they say you become what you criticize so much wasn't a lie.
I'm learning to be true to myself and listening to myself more often whether it's something small or big, could say I'm getting in tune with myself and I'm loving every moment, I'm learning so much and experiencing parts of me I never knew.
I feel like some things we knew from a young age but we were never that keen to notice or we were just too young to comprehend.
Recently I have been contemplating so much about my decision of not wanting kids and trying to understand where it came from ...and looking at my childhood memories .. how I wasn't the type that would take care of her dolls and how playing house was draining for me and I never liked the mum/wife role (my personal thoughts on relationships and why I think I might never get married I will share soon), I preferred the aunt role and anything but that,trust me the older I get the clearer it becomes that I don't want kids not my kid, not via adoption or the step mom way and yes as they say" I didn't escape teenage motherhood to become a step mom now".. I totally agree.
A man with a kid is a turn off before you burn me alive I love kids but not my own, I am an aunt to the most amazing kids ever and a grandma to two kids yes in my twenties I am someone's grandma and very proud.
Nowadays I find even women my age with kids kinda hard to be friends with and before you hate me hear me out, I have had friends with babies before and I felt we were in very different paths in life we couldn't connect like before yes motherhood is beautiful for the chosen and clearly I'm not. There are amazing parents who are just blessed to with that gift my mum and sisters being among them and I just look at them I know I don't have it in me at all and I have accepted that honestly.
My concentration level and my temper are not on levels that good mothers should have not forgetting how fast I get bored and you know once you become a mother there is no reversing it, it's not like how you get bored by a certain perfume and you decide to give it away or never get the same again and you are okay.
Mine is not just a fear of pregnancy (tokophobia) no it's something deep, I'm very cognisant and when I picture kids I see life in a different dimension, I understand that kids are individuals and I can't control the outcome and that's scary cause what if I get a menace or worse a murderer etc, it's scary, sad and just draining.
I know I will or rather I have ruffled so many feathers but this is my opinion kids are scary too much to maintain and not a must honestly I can just have my nieces,nephews and my grand babies for afew moments and then off they go to their parents and I can have my personal space again I don't feel guilty at all call it selfish or whatever but I know it's not because becoming a parent just to get unconditional love or to leave your legacy is what I would agree is very selfish.
This world is cruel I don't think I willingly agreed to be a part of it honestly especially in the last few years I doubt I did honestly but I'm here and I'm not going to do what I don't want just because I'm scared to be judged harshly by the society no way.
I'm not a plant mum or a pet mum either cause again I don't want my peace and my personal space out of order.I don't fear responsibilities cause have you met me?.. I'm a handful (in a good way)and yet I manage to take care of myself without failure yes I forget to eat sometimes but other than that I do a great job with myself (tooting my own horn cause why not).
I'm learning that motherhood is something the society tried to force it down on me so much and they have failed terribly because I'm not letting them win, I have had failed relationships and friendships just because I didn't want children and I know better than to please anyone and live my life under someone elses standards.