Children are often told to "be confident", but confidence is not something that magically appears one morning. It is something that develops gradually through experiences, relationships, practice and support.
Confidence influences far more than whether a child is willing to speak in class or try a new activity. It affects friendships, learning, emotional wellbeing, resilience and how children see themselves when things do not go to plan.
For children who struggle with anxiety, school anxiety, emotional overwhelm or low self-esteem, confidence can feel especially difficult to build. Yet understanding how confidence develops can help us support children more effectively.
Confidence Is Not The Absence Of Fear
One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is that confident people do not feel nervous.
In reality, confidence is often built by doing things despite feeling nervous.
Think about learning to ride a bike. The first attempt feels uncertain. The second attempt feels slightly less frightening. After enough practice, riding becomes something we barely think about at all.
The same principle applies to speaking in class, making friends, joining clubs, attending school or trying new experiences.
Confidence is not the absence of worry.
Confidence is the belief that we can cope with challenges, even when we feel worried.
Why Some Children Struggle With Confidence
Many factors can influence a child's confidence, including:
- Previous difficult experiences
- Anxiety or worry
- Perfectionism
- Fear of making mistakes
- Social difficulties
- Bullying or exclusion
- Negative self-talk
- Learning differences
- Feeling constantly compared to others
For some children, confidence is not simply about encouragement. Their brains may genuinely be working hard to protect them from situations that feel uncertain, uncomfortable or risky.
This is particularly common in children experiencing anxiety.
The Role Of Worry Thoughts
Most children experience worry thoughts from time to time.
Examples might include:
- "What if I get it wrong?"
- "What if people laugh at me?"
- "What if I fail?"
- "What if nobody likes me?"
- "What if I can't do it?"
These thoughts are not signs that something is wrong with a child.
They are often signs that the brain is trying to keep them safe.
From an evolutionary perspective, our brains developed to notice potential threats. Thousands of years ago, this helped humans survive. Today, the same protective system can sometimes become overactive.
The brain begins treating everyday challenges as if they are dangers.
A spelling test can feel like a threat.
A presentation can feel like a threat.
Walking into school can feel like a threat.
When this happens repeatedly, children can begin avoiding situations that might actually help them build confidence.
Why Avoidance Often Makes Anxiety Bigger
Avoidance usually provides short-term relief.
If a child avoids something that makes them anxious, they often feel better immediately.
The problem is that the brain learns something from this.
It learns:
"I avoided it and I felt safer."
The next time a similar situation arises, the brain is even more likely to encourage avoidance.
Over time, confidence can shrink while anxiety grows.
This is why many evidence-based approaches to anxiety focus on gradual exposure, small steps and manageable challenges rather than complete avoidance.
The goal is never to overwhelm children.
The goal is to help them experience success.
Confidence Is Not The Same As Being Loud
When people imagine confidence, they often picture someone who is loud, outspoken, fearless or always willing to take charge.
But real confidence does not always look like that.
Some confident children are quiet.
Some confident children are thoughtful.
Some confident children listen more than they speak.
Some confident children are nervous and still take part anyway.
In fact, what sometimes looks like confidence on the outside can actually come from insecurity, fear of failure or a need to stay in control.
Research suggests that aggressive behaviour is often linked to difficulties in self-esteem, emotional regulation and reactions to perceived threats or criticism.
This means that shouting, dominating conversations, putting others down or acting aggressively should not automatically be mistaken for confidence.
True confidence is usually quieter than people expect.
It is the ability to:
- Make mistakes without falling apart
- Try again after setbacks
- Accept that you cannot control everything
- Respect other people without needing to overpower them
- Feel nervous and still take a small step forward
Psychologist Albert Bandura described confidence as self-efficacy — the belief that we can manage challenges and cope with situations. It is not about appearing bigger than other people. It is about trusting ourselves.
Perhaps one of the most important things we can teach children is that confidence is not about being the loudest voice in the room.
Sometimes confidence is:
"I feel nervous, but I'm going to try."
Sometimes confidence is:
"I made a mistake and I'm going to learn from it."
Sometimes confidence is:
"I don't agree, but I can say that respectfully."
And sometimes confidence is simply:
"I am enough, even when I am still learning."
Your Brain Builds The Pathways It Uses Most
A helpful way to explain this to children is to imagine a path through a forest.
The first time someone walks through long grass, there is no obvious path.
It feels difficult.
The route is unclear.
But if the same route is walked every day, the path becomes easier to see.
Eventually it becomes a well-worn track.
Our brains work in a similar way.
The more often we practise something, the stronger the pathway becomes.
This applies to:
- Worry
- Avoidance
- Confidence
- Problem-solving
- Calm strategies
- Positive habits
This idea is supported by research into neuroplasticity — the brain's ability to change and adapt through experience.
Put simply:
The brain gets better at what it practises.
That is incredibly hopeful for children.
It means they are not stuck.
It means change is possible.
Confidence Is Built Through Repetition
Many children believe confidence comes first.
Actually, confidence usually comes second.
The process often looks like this:
Try → Learn → Practise → Improve → Confidence
Not:
Confidence → Try
Children do not need to feel completely confident before taking a step forward.
They often become confident because they took the step.
Each small success provides evidence to the brain that:
"I managed."
"I coped."
"I survived."
"I can do difficult things."
Over time these experiences begin strengthening confidence pathways.
Confidence, Play and Laughter
When we think about building confidence, we often imagine hard work, practice and perseverance.
Those things matter. But confidence is not only built through effort. It is also built through joy. Many of the strongest confidence-building experiences children have do not happen during formal lessons or structured activities.
They happen when children are:
- laughing with family
- exploring outdoors
- making up games
- being creative
- being silly
- feeling accepted exactly as they are
These moments matter because they create emotional safety. When children feel safe, their brains are more open to learning, exploring and trying new things. They become more willing to take risks, make mistakes and experiment without fear of failure.
Research suggests that positive emotions help broaden thinking, encourage curiosity and strengthen resilience over time. This does not mean children need to be happy all the time. All emotions are important. However, moments of fun, connection and laughter can provide an important counterbalance to worry, pressure and self-doubt. Sometimes children do not need another lesson.
Sometimes they need us to join in. To be present. To laugh with them. To explore alongside them. To remind them that life is not only about performance, achievement or getting things right.
It is also about connection, enjoyment and creating positive experiences that help build confidence from the inside out. Many children remember these moments long after they have forgotten a worksheet, lesson or piece of advice.
Helping Children Challenge Negative Thoughts
It is not always helpful to simply tell children to "think positively."
Instead, we can help them develop more balanced thinking.
For example:
Instead of:
"I can't do this."
Try:
"This feels difficult, but I can learn."
Instead of:
"I always get things wrong."
Try:
"Sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes I get things right."
Instead of:
"Everyone is better than me."
Try:
"Everyone is learning different things at different speeds."
Research from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) shows that helping children identify and challenge unhelpful thinking patterns can reduce anxiety and improve resilience.
The goal is not unrealistic positivity.
The goal is realistic thinking.
Practical Ways To Build Confidence
Celebrate Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Children learn more from:
"You worked really hard on that."
than:
"You're so clever."
Praising effort encourages a growth mindset and helps children see challenges as opportunities to learn.
Encourage Small Brave Steps
Confidence grows through manageable challenges.
Small successes are often more powerful than dramatic leaps.
Allow Mistakes
Children need opportunities to discover that mistakes are survivable.
Learning, confidence and resilience all depend on this.
Focus On Strengths
Every child has strengths.
Helping children recognise their strengths can provide a foundation for confidence growth.
Model Self-Compassion
Children learn from the adults around them.
When adults respond to mistakes with kindness and problem-solving, children learn to do the same.
A Final Thought
Confidence is not something children either have or do not have.
It is something they build.
Every time a child tries again, takes a small brave step, asks for help, practises a new skill or challenges a worry thought, they are strengthening important pathways in their brain.
The process is rarely instant.
Sometimes progress feels slow.
But brains are always learning.
And small steps, repeated often, can create remarkable change over time.
Perhaps the most important message we can give children is this:
You do not have to be fearless to be confident.
You simply have to keep taking the next small step.
You might Like 'The Child Confidence Toolkit' which is available on Etsy here Confidence & Emotional Regulation Workbook for Kids | Anxiety Support Printable Growth Mindset Activities | SEL Worksheets - Etsy
References
Bandura, A. (1997). Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control.
Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Anxiety Disorders Guidance.
NHS England. Children and Young People's Mental Health Resources.
Siegel, D. J. (2015). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain.
Yeager, D. & Dweck, C. (2020). Growth Mindset Research in Education.
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