It’s been five years since I quit my job, and for several years now, I’ve tried to find a word for the year exclusively for myself and the new season I am walking into. For the past three days, I have been fasting. At first, I walked into this fast thinking it was for a new strategy and to help me finish fighting a war I started five years ago for my family’s salvation, but I quickly came to the realization that it was about neither. It was more about closing a door.
I had to allow God space for three days into my heart, body, and mind to take control and guide me back to the beginning. He instructed me to pull out all of my journals over the years, read them, and then throw them away. In the beginning, I was hesitant and wanted to be disobedient because I knew that facing all that baggage would trigger me into some kind of deeper hole that I didn’t need nor want to be in.
In the end, I gave in. I started reading them. It’s interesting how my journey began five years ago, and I have a total of five journals. Definitely no coincidence there. Pay attention to the numbers and years around your life—they hold significance. With each journal, I jotted down notes, reminders, and the overall lessons learned in that season, and I want to share with you what I discovered in the end.
Journal #1 Reminded Me
That trust is the foundation on which I started this journey. It became the key to letting go and not caring how people viewed me or what they said about me. I learned that when I started this journey, freedom was still the goal—the same as it is now. What I was left wondering, as I read between the lines of a naïve, new-to-the-faith girl becoming aware of a new spiritual war and warfare, was: what was it that I was truly seeking?
I personally believe that even in the beginning, I was trying to uncover wholeness—a true healing—even though part of me honestly didn’t think it even existed. I was looking for the hope that I could possibly reach heaven and converge as one entity with God so that I wouldn’t have to face my struggles and daily deal with the ten thousand thoughts in my mind, the cycles that seemed generational in my eyes, the shame, and the false identities from my past. Since the beginning, I have been seeking release and change.
Journal #2 Reminded Me
That there are layers to the pain we carry, and purification is a process. I’m proud of who I’ve become because, even though there are days of weakness, each time I was able to find God’s strength. Another thing I noticed is that no matter how far I fall and stray from triggers and pain, I always somehow get back up and find my way through scriptures and plans (which tells me seeking God is worthy of all my time).
I also noticed how much I started to bloom, even in the dark seasons of my life. I prayed a powerful prayer in my journal that led me to where I am today, and I didn’t remember praying it at all—but God did. He saw my heart in that moment, and I’m grateful for that version of myself, who opened her heart enough to recognize that God was the only one who could do that for her. I realize that I have never loved that version of me more than I do right now. She was so brave to work hand in hand with God to create space. She had been scraping the “leaven” from her life little by little and hadn’t even realized it.
In 1 Corinthians 5:6-7, Paul writes, “Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little leaven leavens the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old leaven, so that you may be a new unleavened batch—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed.”
In biblical context, leaven often symbolizes sin, pride, or anything that corrupts and spreads quietly until it overtakes the whole. Removing leaven is a call to cleanse ourselves from the hidden things that don’t serve us—like old wounds, toxic mindsets, or habits that keep us from walking fully in God’s purpose. Just as the Israelites removed leaven during Passover to start fresh, God calls us to do the same in our hearts—clearing out what taints our spirit so we can be pure and whole before Him.
I was on a journey of accepting that this is who I am and seeing the beauty in accepting the fullness of my calling, having the boldness and courage to walk into it without fear and doubt of not being enough.
Journal #3 Reminded Me
That God had been slowly uprooting the dead things in my life—removing debris, cutting off old branches, and pruning me. There was so much pain, trauma, and rewiring that had to be done, and the work it took just shows me how much strength, resilience, endurance, and grace He has truly provided. He has sustained me through it all.
I think I lost sight of how He sustains in the suffering, but now I see He’s been preparing me to just trust Him and let go of everything. He loves me so much that He gave me the time to heal before the breakthrough.
Journal #4 Reminded Me
That grief and acceptance can co-exist in the same space. It was a shift, like I was going through trying to understand why God put me in my current position while also cleaning out old, deeply embedded wounds and triggers—while identifying things that desperately needed to change.
This is the season where I started to feel lighter, like I could finally breathe, and the pain of the trauma wasn’t unbearable anymore. It was also where I started to question, “Now what?” and God was revealing to me new and exciting things about who He is and who I am.
Journal #5 Reminded Me
That in the end, I had shown God my loyalty to Him, and now He wanted to show me how loyal He is to me—but I had to implement the change. In the midst of Him showing me what new habits to implement, He told me I had ADHD. In the beginning, it was an unbearable truth, but then it made me realize I found true healing.
By knowing about ADHD, I have never felt more free to just be myself and not care anymore about who or what anyone has to say. It’s confusing, and I have much to learn, but it gave me life again. It removed the shame and told me, This is who you are, and this isn’t a burden—it’s a blessing to be a blessing.
Another thing I discovered was that God had healed me completely from an addiction I never thought I’d be free from, and suddenly it was out of sight and out of mind. He helped me acknowledge the power, systems, and structures the enemy used to bring me down, and then built me back up on His pillars. He restored me. He did exactly what the version of me in Journal #2 prayed for.
Now I see this end is really a new beginning—a reset of sorts. He’s helping me trust and let go of it all again to begin again. It’s a clean slate into a new me. In five years, He removed the poison from my dead body, breathed into me, and gave me new life.
Journal #5 made me realize that this whole time I have been trying to “uncover” something. The crazy thing is, for the past few weeks, all I keep hearing in my spirit is “Uncovering.” I now understand I was discovering who I am while He was uncovering me from the darkness of generational pain and the longest days, hours, nights, and minutes of what felt like defeat.
My word for this year is “Uncovering.”
He’s in the process of uncovering things in our lives and, at the same time, helping us dig past the pain and find purpose in who we are. It’s a process, and it takes time. Man, have I been impatient. For so long now, I’ve just wanted to end it all. I’ve wanted life to just take a turn already and magically become better—but God, in the end, knows what He is doing. I know ADHD makes us impatient, but God fills the gaps, and if we allow Him space to fill our grey areas, He totally will.
The reason I say pay attention to the numbers you are surrounded with is because 5 is the number of grace, and grace acts as a tent (a dwelling place) or a covering. In Hebrew, the number 5 is “Hei” (pronounced “hey”). Hei can mean “seed” or “behold,” as in beholding the Lord, and it’s connected to God’s divine breath.
Psalm 33:6 says, “By Adonai’s word were the heavens made, and all their host by the breath of His mouth.”
The Talmud tells us that the phrase “the breath of His mouth” refers to the sound of the letter Hei—the outbreathing of the Spirit. The letter Hei signifies the creative power and potential to birth promise into reality.
These years, God was breathing new life into me every single day, every second, minute, and hour—even on the days I doubted His love for me. So, let this be proof to you that God wants to breathe new life into you. He wants to breathe on your promise and your potential. He wants to activate all His power in you and see every promise He’s made to you come to pass.
2025 will be the year that God will allow us to be uncovered and give birth to the things we couldn’t in the past because of the pains that held us back.