Often times we say, "If he/she loves me, they would stop lying and doing the things they do."
Or how about...
"If we love each other so much, then why do we keep hurting each other?"
To be honest, love and a healthy relationship are two separate entities. Love and a healthy relationship are not the same thing. They don't always go hand in hand. You can absolutely love someone and still find yourself trapped in vicious cycles that damages the relationship slowly.
It's not love... it's the patterns.
Love doesn't always heal childhood wounds.
It doesn't erase trauma.
It doesn't rewrite unhealthy beliefs about yourself or others.
It certainly doesn't undo years of practicing survival strategies that once protected you but now create distance, conflict and pain with the very people you love.
Sometimes the problem isn't the relationship.
Sometimes the problem is the pattern.
Many of the behaviors we bring into adult relationships were learned long before we ever met our husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend... whoever! I'm not saying that's a bad thing or that you're some terrible person. It's what you learned. It's how you developed ways to react, respond, and survive.
Imagine this... Growing up in a home where...
- Expressing your emotions made you feel emotionally unsafe because you were laughed at or told, "Stop crying." or " Stop crying before I give you something to cry about."
- Lying became the only way to avoid punishment.
- You spent your childhood trying to please everyone because you never experienced what healthy love looked or felt like.
- You constantly heard statements like, "You'll never be anything in life," "Your stupid." "The more I teach you, the dumber I get." and now every piece of feedback sounds like rejection.
Again, this doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how your nervous system adapted to respond.
Sometimes the problem isn't the relationship.
Sometimes the problem is the pattern.
The problem is that survival strategies don't always create healthy relationships.
But...
Healing isn't about pretending your childhood didn't happen. It's about recognizing that your past doesn't have to dictate your future.
Awareness allows us...
To pause before reacting.
To communicate instead of assuming.
To take responsibility instead of assigning blame.