How often do we talk about red flags in relationships?? ALLLLLL THE TIME. 🚩 And somehow… we still ignore them. 😂
Meanwhile, here comes social media:
🚩 “Girl, RUN!”
🚩 "He's a gay narcissist!"
🚩 "Bro, she for the streets"
🚩 “Leave his bum ass alone, he broke!”
🚩 “Leave that bop alone!”
🚩 “Bro, she toxic. LET HER GO!”
Everybody can spot a red flag when it belongs to somebody else, But what happens when the red flag belongs to somebody you love? What happens when you see it… recognize it… KNOW it’s a problem…and still stay? That’s the part we don’t talk about enough. Sometimes we aren't blind to the red flags. Sometimes we're loyal to them! Relationships aren't always that simple and neither are red flags!
Red flags can look different from relationship to relationship. Sometimes they are obvious…. Annnnddddddd sometimes they slowly reveal themselves over time. If we are being truthful with ourselves, we see them, we just don't want to respond to them. Them red flags be waving like they are trying to land a damn airplane and we still be saying "no that’s not it!" brooooooo come on now!
Red flags can look like:
- Hidden substance use
- Constant arguing
- Poor communication
- Yelling and screaming
- Cursing at one another
- Disrespect
- Lying
- Secrecy
- Manipulation
- Constant broken promises
- Being made to feel like you're "doing too much" for asking reasonable questions
- Apologies without changed behavior
Sometimes the biggest red flag isn't one explosive event:
It's a pattern.
The same tired old behavior.
The same weak ass apology.
The same promise.
The same disappointment.
The same argument. Just on a different day!
So here's the question I've been thinking about: If we recognize the red flags, why do we sometimes stay loyal to them?
We're Not Loyal to the Person, We're Loyal to What's Familiar
Sometimes we aren’t necessarily holding onto the relationship because everything about it is good…
Because let’s be serious, there are TONS of red flags. Trust me, it ain’t THAT good. LMAOOOO! 😂🚩
Sometimes we’re holding onto it because it’s familiar.
Sometimes we're holding onto what we recognize.
There is something strange about familiarity. Even when something is unhealthy, familiarity can create a sense of predictability and safety.... How?
You know what the arguments look like, you know how long they last!
You know how long the silent treatment lasts.
You know what the apology sounds like.
You know they'll promise to change.
You know you'll probably forgive them.
You know eventually things will calm down.
And then you know, somewhere in the back of your mind, that you'll probably end up right back here again. It's dysfunctional, But it's familiar. Sometimes the familiar feels safer than something you don't recognize yet.
The Unknown Can Be Terrifying, but it has to be better than what you have!
Leaving means confronting questions you may not have answers to:
What happens next?
What if I'm lonely?
What if I regret leaving?
What if they actually change after I leave?
What if nobody else wants me?
What if I have to start over, after the years I have invested?
What if I still love them? This question truly matters.
Recognizing someone's unhealthy behavior doesn't automatically erase your love for them. You can still love someone and recognize that the relationship is unhealthy. You can miss someone and know they aren't good for you. You can remember beautiful moments while acknowledging painful ones. Those things can exist at the same time.
Are We Loyal to Hope?
Sometimes we aren't loyal to the red flag itself. We're loyal to the potential we have latched onto the person carrying it.
This that BS I be talking about:
"They're going to change."
"They weren't always like this."
"When things are good, they're REALLY good."
"They've been through a lot."
"They just need support."
"Once they stop drinking..."
"Once they get help..."
"Once we communicate better..."
"Once life settles down..."
And before you know it, you're not living in the relationship that actually exists you have invested in the relationship that you are hoping it will become. Potential can keep you in the relationship when reality has been telling you to LEAVE all along. Stay tuned for part 2…..
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