The first time I truly experienced grief was with the passing of my mother. The doctors gave us a timeframe. They explained what was happening. However, I didn’t believe them. Maybe I heard them, but I refused to understand what their words actually meant.
I think there is something about our parents that causes us to trick our minds into believing they will always be here. No matter how old we become, there is a part of us that still expects Mom to be there.
I moved through life assuming there would always be another phone call, another conversation, another hug, and another opportunity for her to yell at me. 😂 LBVS, because my mother stayed on our ass about a dirty room or those mysteriously missing forks and spoons! Like seriously, where did all the silverware go?! 😂 There would be another holiday, another birthday, another random moment where she got on my nerves, another opportunity to hear her voice, and of course, another chance to say, “I love you.” ❤️
Until there isn’t....
Death is one of the few changes in life that we know is inevitable, yet somehow, when it arrived at my doorstep, it still felt impossible.
I knew she was dying.
I tried to prepare yourself.
I cried before she passed.
I knew what was coming.
And still, nothing prepared me for goodbye. Nothing prepared me to say goodbye forever to a mother I had never imagined living without.
NOTHING Prepares You for the Next Day
People talk about death.
They talk about funerals.
They talk about grief.
But no one really talks about the next morning. The morning when you wake up and, for just a second, your brain has forgotten what happened. Then you remember, You still have to get out of bed. You still have to walk through the same house. You still gotta go to work 🙄
Except now, she isn’t there.
Her clothes may still be there.
Her belongings are there.
Her favorite things are exactly where she left them.
There are material traces everywhere proving that she lived, that she existed, that she occupied this space. But physically, she has left this world. There is something incredibly painful about standing in a space that still looks like someone should be there, and realizing they never will be again.
Grief Comes With Responsibilities
No one prepares you for the strange combination of heartbreak and responsibility that follows death.
You are grieving, but decisions still have to be made.
A funeral has to be planned.
Bills have to be handled… For the love of God please stop with the BILLS!!!
Phone calls have to be made.
Life continues demanding things from you while part of you is still trying to comprehend how life could possibly continue at all.... Like she just passed 7hrs ago, give me a break!
The funeral ends....
The calls become less frequent....
People return to their routines....
And you are left with the hardest part:
learning how to live the rest of your life without someone who was supposed to be part of it. Dammit!
Grief Is Not Linear
I learned very quickly that grief does not follow a straight line, it is not Linear at all!
There is no rigid progression from sadness to acceptance where you eventually graduate from grieving.
Some days you laugh.
Some days you function beautifully.
Some days you genuinely feel okay.
And then something small happens.
That damn Nelly song my mother loved sooooo much comes on “Country Grammar.” 😂 Baby, she LOVVVEDDDD that song! And don't let “Men in Black” or “Wild Wild West” by Will Smith come on either! Those were her songs!
And just like that…
A song.
A smell.
A holiday.
A memory.
Suddenly, time collapses.
Learning a New Skill
Losing my mother forced me to learn a skill I never wanted: how to live without her. This is one of the hardest truths I have learned about grief. You don't necessarily “get over” losing your mother. You learn. You adjust. You cope. You carry. Grief taught me that death can end someone's physical presence, but it cannot erase the impact of their life. So, I stopped waiting for the day when I would finally be “over it.”
Instead, I began learning how to honor the life she lived while continuing to live mine!
Grief may have changed the shape of my life, but it did not erase the love that shaped me. ❤️
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 🕊️
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