There’s something I’ve been noticing for years something that never sat right with me but it’s only recently that I found the words for it. In our Somali community, I’ve observed a pattern that repeats itself over and over again. In religious spaces, during lectures, in Friday khutbahs and community talks, I keep hearing advice. But the advice is almost always directed at women.
We’re told how to dress. How to lower our gaze. How to be patient. How to be obedient. How to serve our husbands. How to keep the peace. How to stay quiet. How to be ‘good’. It’s a constant stream of correction and instruction, shaping the way we walk, talk, think, and behave.
But then something strange happens. When it comes to men, that same level of guidance of care, of correction, of moral responsibility is noticeably absent. Men are rarely told to be soft with their wives. To be emotionally present. To lower their gaze. To honour women. To be accountable. To serve. To lead with compassion. To stop cheating. To stop abusing trust. To be fair. To be kind.
Why is that?
Because I know Islam. I know it’s balanced. I know the Qur’an speaks to both men and women equally. I know the Prophet (PBUH) corrected both. He honoured women. He listened to them. He stood when they entered the room. He asked for their opinions. He praised their intellect. He cried with them. He made time for their pain. He never dismissed them. He never shamed them for having emotions. He (PBUH)was the embodiment of fairness.
So why is it that in our Somali community, the people who study this religion who memorise Qur’an, who dedicate their lives to learning somehow only seem to deliver that knowledge to women?
Why are women the ones being constantly reminded to change, improve, repent, do better while men are left untouched?
I don’t think it’s deliberate malice. I think it’s culture.
Culture is invisible but incredibly powerful. It seeps into the way we think, the way we judge, the way we prioritise, even when we claim to be guided by something higher. In our Somali culture, men are often shielded. Excused. Prioritised. Given room to make mistakes. While women are over-scrutinised and over-burdened from girlhood. We’re taught to keep families together. To forgive. To forget. To hold back our pain for the sake of peace. And even when we enter religious spaces, that cultural expectation doesn’t disappear it just puts on a religious costume.
I believe that some of our religious leaders even those with the best intentions have unknowingly allowed culture to speak louder than faith. They know the truth of Islam. But when it comes to applying it in real life, they filter that truth through the culture they were raised in. And when culture and religion clash, it’s the religion that gets reshaped.
This is how injustice becomes normal. This is how women end up associating religion with control, with silence, with guilt when it was never Islam that hurt them. It was the cultural misuse of Islam that did.
I don’t say any of this out of hate. I say it out of love for our community. I say it because I believe in the justice and mercy of Islam. I say it because I want balance. Because I want girls to grow up knowing they are just as valuable and worthy in the eyes of God as their brothers. Because I want our sons to be taught that kindness and accountability are part of manhood. Because I want women to hear khutbahs that actually speak to their reality and defend their dignity not just remind them to be patient and quiet.
Culture is not always wrong. But when it begins to blind us from what is right when it silences truth and promotes injustice it needs to be questioned. It needs to be named. And it needs to be challenged.
Because when culture wears a religious mask, people stop seeing the truth clearly. And when that happens, everyone suffers.
I wrote this out of deep love for our community, and the knowing that we can do better. And I know, inshallah, we will do better. And I know, when we come together, there’s nothing we cannot do.