In what seemed like one swooping motion, he managed to close the bedroom door, throw me on the bed, pin me down, straddle me and wrap one of his neck ties around my neck. He was choking me. I could not breathe. I looked up at him and did not recognize who I saw. I tried grabbing the tie, but I was exerting more energy that I did not have because I could not breathe. I decided the quickest way to get him off of me was to fake passing out, so I did. I closed my eyes, allowed my body to go limp and held what little breath I had left. I must have scared him, because he immediately jumped off of me. He shook me until what he thought was him reviving me. All I could think about was getting out of the house. I was afraid. I got up quickly to leave the room to get away from him until I could figure out what I was going to do next. I could not think straight.
I went to the bathroom to clean my face. When I looked in the mirror, I was so disgusted by what I saw. Who was I? What kind of example was I setting for my girls? What was I teaching them? I had stayed in this toxic, abusive relationship far too long. All these years I was afraid to leave. While I said to myself that I deserved better, I really didn’t believe it. I didn’t have the courage to start over. I did not trust that God would see me through. That day was the day I let go. I let go of the shame, the worry and the fear. I let go of what I had internalized which was the idea that I was not worthy. I realized how much I had not loved myself by accepting to live this way. I knew I needed to set an example for my daughters. I would never want them to endure the trauma of what I had experienced. I had to gain the strength, confidence and faith to believe I was deserving and worthy of a better life and actually do better. Letting go of that relationship and believing my worthiness was me doing better.
From that day forward, I began pouring so much love on myself. My why and my motivation was the love I have for my daughters. I could not teach them to love themselves, train them on how they should be treated and lead them by example of how to love themselves if I did not first begin with loving myself. I sought counseling through a life coach and addressed the issues of my insecurities, self-doubt, and fears. I took the time to invest in myself. I discovered what I liked, what I enjoyed and what made me happy. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, and things I wanted to experience. I began chipping away at each thing. I created a self-care routine of morning affirmations, prayer/meditation, clean eating and exercise. I do all the things I enjoy like spending time with friends, volunteering, attending social events and traveling. They say energy is everything and “live your best life” is not just some catch phrase. I have met some phenomenal people and created some amazing experiences since I’ve been on this self-love journey. It is evident that my life now is a reflection of how I feel about myself.
“If you lose someone but find yourself, you win.”
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