GEORGE MWANGI
Anger is an intense emotion you feel when something has gone wrong or someone has wronged you. It is typically characterized by feelings of stress, frustration, and irritation. Everyone feels anger from time to time. It's a perfectly normal response to frustrating or difficult situations. Anger only becomes a problem when it's excessively displayed and begins to affect your daily functioning and the way you relate with people. Anger can range in intensity, from a slight annoyance to rage. It can sometimes be excessive or irrational.
In these cases, it can be hard to keep the emotion in check and could cause you to behave in ways you wouldn't otherwise behave. Anger is a normal, natural emotion that helps us recognize that we, or people and things we care about, are being treated badly. It is a hostility that we can feel towards people, but also towards animals and inert objects.
Anger can be an urgent feeling, which can arise quickly and which feels it demands us to act, or a slow burn which constantly affects our thoughts. It is often physically as well as emotionally uncomfortable; as it has physical as well as psychological components. It is normal for everyone to be angry at times. But if a person feels angry most of the time, or their temper tends to flare up fast and often, then anger could be a problem. As we mature, it's important to learn how to control our anger, rather than let anger control us. The experience of anger can range from mild annoyance to rage and will vary for each person and in each situation.
Stresses at home, school or work can also make people quicker to angry. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, neither good nor bad. Like any emotion, it conveys a message, telling you that a situation is upsetting, unjust, or threatening. If your knee-jerk reaction to anger is to explode, however, that message never has a chance to be conveyed. So, while it's perfectly normal to feel angry when you've been mistreated or wronged, anger becomes a problem when you express it in a way that harms yourself or others.
Many people think that anger management is about learning to suppress your anger. But never getting angry is not a healthy goal. Anger will come out regardless of how hard you try to tamp it down. The true goal of anger management isn't to suppress feelings of anger, but rather to understand the message behind the emotion and express it healthily without losing control. When you do, you'll not only feel better, you'll also be more likely to get your needs met, be better able to manage conflict in your life, and strengthen your relationships.
There are lots of reasons why you might be angry. It's a normal or understandable response in some situations, such as when you or someone else is being treated unfairly. If you're not sure why you've just snapped at someone, though, think back through your day and try to pinpoint what set you off. No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain — you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how we handle it when we're angry.
Deciding to get control of your anger rather than letting it control you means taking a good hard look at the ways you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?
For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behaviour and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves. Everyone can change but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger; think about what you'll gain from that change. Anger is a normal human emotion, but it's important to find healthy ways to express it so as not to alienate people around us. Expressing anger healthily is also important for your mental health. Anger doesn't look the same in everyone and we all express it in different ways. Some outward characteristics you might notice when you are angry include.
Rapid heartbeats
Sweating excessively
Pacing excessively
Raised voices
Clenched fists
Frowning or scowling
A clenched jaw
Physically trembling
Common negative thinking patterns that trigger and fuel
anger include:
Blaming others. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it's always someone else's fault. You tell yourself, "life's not fair," or blame others for your problems rather than taking responsibility for your own life.
-Obsessing over "should" and "must." Having a rigid view of the way a situation should or must go and getting angry when reality doesn't line up with this vision.
-Mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Assuming you "know" what someone else is thinking or feeling—that they intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you.
-Collecting straws. Looking for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive. Letting these small irritations build and build until you reach the "finalist
-Overgeneralizing. For example, "You ALWAYS interrupt me. You NEVER consider my needs. EVERYONE disrespects me. I NEVER get the credit I deserve." raw" and explode, often over something relatively minor.
What causes anger issues one may ask?
Many things can trigger anger, including stress, family problems, and financial issues. For some people, anger is caused by an underlying disorder, such as alcohol or depression. Anger itself isn't considered a disorder, but anger is a known symptom of several mental health conditions.
The following are some of the possible causes of anger issues.
Grief
Anger is one of the stages of grief. This can be as a result of the death of a loved one, a divorce or breakup, or from losing a job. The anger may be directed at the person who died, anyone else involved in the event, or inanimate objects.
Other symptoms of grief include:
shock
numbness
guilt
sadness
loneliness
fear
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder that's characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. A person with OCD has unwanted, disturbing thoughts, urges, or images that drive them to do something repetitively. For example, they may perform certain rituals, such as counting to a number or repeating a word or phrase, because of an irrational belief that something bad will happen if they don't. A 2011 study Trusted Source found that anger is a common symptom of OCD. It affects approximately half of people with OCD.
Anger may result from frustration with your inability to prevent obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours, or from having someone or something interfere with your ability to carry out a ritual.
Bipolar disorder
This is a brain disorder that causes dramatic shifts in your mood. These intense mood shifts can range from mania to depression, although not everyone with bipolar disorder will experience depression. Many people with bipolar disorder may experience periods of anger, irritability, and rage.
During a manic episode, you may:
be easily agitated
feel euphoric
have racing thoughts
engage in impulsive or reckless behaviour
During a depressive episode, you may:
feel sad, hopeless, or tearful
lose interest in things once enjoyed
have thoughts of suicide
Alcohol abuse
Recent research has shown that drinking alcohol increases aggression. Alcohol is a contributing factor in approximately half of all violent crimes committed in many nations. Alcohol abuse or alcoholism refers to consuming too much alcohol at once or regularly. Alcohol impairs your ability to think clearly and make rational decisions. It affects your impulse control and can make it harder for you to control your emotions.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
This is a neuro-developmental disorder marked by symptoms such as inattention, hyperactivity, and or impulsivity. Symptoms usually start in early childhood and continue throughout a person's life. Some people are not diagnosed until adulthood, which is sometimes referred to as adult ADHD.
Anger and short temper can also occur in people of all ages with ADHD. Other symptoms include:
restlessness
problems focusing
poor time management or planning skills
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)
This is a behavioural disorder that affects between 1-16 per cent of school-age children. Common symptoms of ODD include:
anger
hot temper
irritability
Children with ODD are often easily annoyed by others. They may be defiant and argumentative.
Depression
Anger can be a symptom of depression which is characterized as ongoing feelings of sadness and loss of interest lasting at least two weeks. Anger can be suppressed or overtly expressed. The intensity of the anger and how it's expressed varies from person to person.
If you have depression, you may experience other symptoms. These include:
irritability
loss of energy
feelings of hopelessness
thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Intermittent explosive disorder(IED)
A person with intermittent explosive disorder has repeated episodes of aggressive, impulsive, or violent behaviour. They may overreact to situations with angry outbursts that are out of proportion to the situation. Episodes last less than 30 minutes and come on without warning. People with the disorder may feel irritable and angry most of the time.
Some common behaviours include:
temper tantrums
arguments
fighting
physical violence
throwing things
People with IED may feel remorseful or embarrassed after an episode.
Types of Anger
There are three main types of anger.
Passive-Aggressive Anger: Here, a person tries to repress their anger to avoid dealing with it but typically ends up expressing it in unhealthy and undermining ways.
Assertive Anger: This can be a healthy option for expressing anger. It involves handling anger in a controlled manner by using your words to calmly explain and try to diffuse the situation. Here, anger is expressed in a non-threatening way.
Openly Aggressive Anger: This type of anger might be accompanied by physical or verbal aggression such as screaming or hitting things. The aim of this type of anger is typically to hurt the person the anger is directed at emotionally or physically.
Anger can also be expressed in either one of two ways:
verbally or non verbally.
Verbally: When a person expresses their anger verbally, you are likely to see them raise their voices. They might become insulting and say hurtful things if their anger is directed at another person.
Non verbally: You'll notice some slight physical changes in a person who expresses their anger non verbally. They might frown or scowl and clench their jaws and fist. They might also lash out at another person or object, sometimes causing physical damage to the person or object and in some cases even hurting themselves.
EFFECTS OF ANGER
Anger can become a problem when it affects a person's daily life and/or relationships. This might be because they find their feelings of anger overwhelming or hard to control, because they express their anger in ways that might hurt themselves or others around them, or because they find it hard to express their anger. Difficulties with anger can be a sign that someone might be experiencing sadness, depression, isolation, discrimination, or another mental health difficulty.
Understanding anger and expressing it safely and healthily is an important part of good mental health. If you feel angry a lot or have trouble controlling or expressing your anger, there are lots of things you can do to help healthily manage this. Anger may contribute to the development of a host of unhealthy patterns in relationships. If allowed to continue unchecked, angry outbursts and threatening behaviours tend to escalate.
In relationships where calm, open dialogue is overshadowed by rage-filled words and deeds, loving bonds among family members may be camouflaged by heavy layers of resentment. Everyone gets angry sometimes — it's human nature. The important thing is how you react to and control feelings of anger. Manage your feelings appropriately, and your relationships don't have to be negatively affected. But if you let anger control you, you might hurt the loved ones in your life. For this reason, it's very important to learn anger control techniques if you have a quick temper.
Healthy Reactions
The best way to handle anger is to sit down and talk about your feelings with your loved one. To do this, use "I" statements, such as "I was hurt when I found out you did not invite me to your party." In addition, try to avoid things that trigger angry feelings: Rest a bit before tackling homework with your children, for example, or send an email to avoid having to talk to a coworker. If you do feel your anger rising, release it in other ways: Leave the situation and go for a quick walk, if you can, or give a stress ball a couple of squeezes before replying to a voice message.
Create Distance and Resentment
Some people lash out in anger, but others bottle it up — and that can be damaging to a relationship as well. Bottling up anger builds feelings of resentment that can drive a wedge into your relationships. This can be especially prevalent in close relationships when you are trying to avoid conflict with a significant other or best friend. And the longer you simmer those feelings of anger, the more the distance will grow between you and your loved one.
Creates Fear and Distrust
When you lash out in anger, it can create fear and tension in a relationship. This is especially true when the relationship is not equal: for example, between a boss and an employee, or a parent and child. Yelling at a child in anger may cause her to fear you, and it can cause a spouse to fear you as well. And if you do it to a friend or coworker, she will probably avoid coming to you with her problems in the future. Such actions will eventually destroy any trust they have in you.
Creates Tension and Frustration
Anger can cause you to cast blame and jump to conclusions. This can be especially harmful in business relationships, at it can make interactions tense between coworkers if they feel they have to take sides, and could even spell the end of your career if things get out of hand. If you are angry at someone you see daily at work, it's important to clear the air as soon as possible so your work environment is not stressful. This goes for the home environment as well: There's a reason why counsellors often suggest that you don't go to bed angry. Without a resolution, anger causes frustrations to mount.
How to manage anger
Anger management techniques can truly benefit anyone who tends to get angry easily or anyone whose anger seems to get very big in comparison to the situation at hand. If you seem to have a short fuse with a big bang, anger management techniques can help you keep your cool and have more effective interactions and relationships. Some of these anger management techniques are things you can do on the spot as soon as you feel your anger growing out of control. Some of them are things you can do to prevent your anger from arising in the first place. And some of them require you to first get out of the situation that has made you angry and gets into a quiet place by yourself.
Vocal anger release
Sometimes it can be helpful to be vocal to release your anger. Sometimes you just feel like you have to yell or scream to get it out. You don't want to yell at anyone, so you'll want to go somewhere you can be alone. Go to an empty parking lot or a wooded area. Go to your room and yell into a pillow. You could even go sit in your car if you are at work or school. One of the best vocal anger release anger management techniques is growling. Growling is a very primitive sound that you can do with ferocity and power. Growling is also a good technique because it activates the vagus nerve, which allows for a calming effect. You could also use statements about your anger to release it. Yelling things like "I am angry" "You were wrong" or anything that you are feeling can help you healthily express your anger. Again, make sure that you are doing this alone so that others are not affected by your yelling and anger release
The physical release of anger
Sometimes you may feel that your anger is such that you absolutely must strike out at something. When this happens, you can use a physical release of anger in a way that doesn't harm anyone or destroy any property or harm yourself. This requires you to be able to go to a safe place with a soft mat, overstuffed chair, or large fluffy pillows. Your bed is a great place for this exercise. You can kneel on the bed or mat and put your arms high above your head, then come down with your whole arm from elbow to fingertips or fists onto the bed or mat. Just repeat this violent motion over and over again until you feel your anger release from you. If you are really angry, you might get tired and have to take a break then resume before you will be able to feel that release.
You can also stand with overstuffed furniture or bed at waist high and strike out with your fists or open palms. The important thing here is that you only strike something soft and giving. You do not want to hurt yourself, and you do not want to damage anything in the process.
Deep breathing
Deep breathing is important for getting your anger under control. However, taking deep breaths alone is often not enough. Trying to clear your mind and breathe deeply may seem like such a challenge that it only makes your anger and frustration worse. One of the things that you can do to combat this is to do a little imagining with your deep breathing. Instead of breathing deeply to try to force away from your anger, breathe into your anger. Imagine that your anger is this driving energy, and as you breathe deeply it gets bigger and bigger. The energy continues to expand until it is far outside of you, and then it can melt away. This might make you feel angrier at first, but it may work to dispel your anger within a few minutes.
Visualization
If you can separate yourself from the source of your anger for a few minutes; visualization can help calm yourself and release your anger. You mustn't visualize harming anyone in this process. Instead, visualize other representations of your anger. For example, you could visualize an angry tornado ripping through a field, tearing up trees and stirring up dust. Your anger is the tornado, and visualizing this harmless destruction can help you release that anger. After a couple of minutes of the visualization, imagine that the tornado dissipates, along with your anger.
Send love and justice
If a specific person makes you angry, try transforming your anger into thoughts of love and justice. Instead of letting your anger get the best of you in bad traffic, send the driver that has made you angry wishes for getting a ticket or having a near-miss accident that sets him on the straight and narrow. Instead of allowing your anger to control you, transform your anger into thoughts that you wish the best for the person so that they don't make others angry in the future.
Journaling
Journaling can be a great way to release anger. As soon as you can after a situation makes you angry, sit down and write out your thoughts and feelings. Some people find it therapeutic to journal with paper and pen so that it forces them to slow down to articulate their thoughts. Other people find it therapeutic to journal on a computer so that they can bang the keys hard as they type. The key here is to get all of your thoughts and angry energy and emotions out of you in a healthy and nonviolent way. Journaling allows you to give voice to what you are feeling, which is often the best way to allow yourself to calm down and put those feelings behind you.
Full Body Rage Release
Again, this exercise needs to be done on a soft mat or mattress to avoid hurting yourself. In this exercise, you will lie flat and just go crazy banging your feet, kicking your legs, banging your arms or fists on the mat or mattress beneath you. Throw your whole body into your anger. Imagine a child throwing a temper tantrum. This is exactly what you want to do. Continue until you feel that release.
Exercise
Exercise can be an excellent release for your anger. Anger is not just an emotion. It's energy. When you feel angry you have a ton of energy that is seeking release. Exercise can be a healthy release for that energy.
Of course, it is not always possible to exercise when you get angry. However, if you have anger building throughout the day, you can hit the gym after work and get rid of that energy. Taking a walk or going for a run is another form of exercise that you can do to release angry energy. Sometimes if you are in a situation that is making you angry, you can leave that situation and just go for a walk around the block.
Take A Time Out
Time outs aren't just for children. When you feel yourself getting angry or irritated and you are worried that you may easily become angry, take a time out. Go to the bathroom and close the door, or go to your car and sit for a few minutes. Even during a workday, there are usually opportunities to take a time out. When you are in the time out, just focus on your breathing and calming your thoughts. You can use visualization techniques to imagine yourself in a soothing place like a clearing in the woods or your favourite place to go camping. Visualize yourself in nature or some other favourite place. Try to find things in your visualization that engage the senses.
Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is another form of the anger management technique that can take some practice but will ultimately serve you well. Cognitive restructuring is all about changing the way you think. It requires you to be mindful of your thoughts and replace angry or uncontrolled thoughts with more positive thoughts. How you talk to yourself is every bit as important as how you talk to others, perhaps more so. When you tell yourself negative things like "everything is ruined" you are perpetuating a negative emotion. When you change your thinking to tell yourself "this is upsetting and it's understandable to be angry but now it's time to find solutions" you turn that negative energy into something positive. Cognitive restructuring is not always possible on your own. You may need to get help with this important tool. Studies have shown that cognitive-behavioural techniques such as these are among the most effective anger management techniques. The easiest way to learn these techniques is to go through cognitive behavioural therapy with a therapist.
Problem Solving
Often, you may become angry because you are frustrated over a situation. Most anger is caused by some kind of problem. If you can change your focus away from anger to problem-solving, you can diffuse your anger and come up with positive solutions. This is another form of cognitive restructuring. You have to consciously be aware of your thoughts and feelings and stop them in their tracks and change focus to one of solving the problem at hand.
Using Humor
Humour is a great way to diffuse anger. When you can find humour in a situation and laugh about it, you will find that your anger is instantly released. You mustn't make a situation worse by laughing at someone out of hand. You should also avoid sarcasm, as this can perpetuate an argument and hurt the feelings of others. However, if you can think of something funny about the situation and give voice to it in a positive way you may be able to diffuse not only your anger but the anger of the person you are arguing with.
Changing Your Environment
One of the things you can immediately do when you are feeling yourself getting angry or frustrated is changed your environment. Sometimes escaping the situation is the best thing that you can do. This may require you to leave the room or office for a short period. Think of this as kind of a timeout, but for a longer period. You can also change your environment in a lasting way that will help you manage your anger. For example, if you are frequently losing your temper because your child does not clean their room, make sure that the door stays shut so that you don't have to look at it. Since seeing it makes you angry, this small change in your environment can help you prevent that anger.
Readiness For Anger Management
If the above anger management techniques do not work for you, there may be a problem with your readiness to be able to embrace them. One research study that was done suggests that if someone is not ready for anger management, no amount of therapy or tools will help them manage their anger. You must put yourself in a state of readiness to overcome your anger problems, which usually entails understanding the problems that your anger is causing in your everyday life and relationships.
Getting Help
When you are ready for anger management and you struggle with using these anger management techniques, it is time to seek help. A therapist can help you evaluate what makes you angry and give you tools to change your thinking and manage your feelings. They can work with you to determine the best ways for you to manage and avoid your anger.
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