HOW TO DEAL WITH UNFORGIVENESS
GEORGE MWANGI
Unforgiveness is a state of emotional and mental distress that results from a delayed response to forgiving an offender. Everyone has been hurt by another person's words or actions, maybe your best friend forgot your birthday, your dad criticized your career path, you were bullied as a child, or your spouse had an affair, someone molested when young may find it hard to forgive; people who have been raped may find it hard to forgive themselves and those who assaulted them, children who were neglected by parents or guardian might find it hard to forgive. It hurts to be wronged whether it involves a big or small offense.
We are all familiar with the gut-wrenching pain that strikes in the pit of our stomachs when we have been mistreated, especially by someone we love. This pain can leave behind emotional wounds of rejection, fear, betrayal, and insecurity; unforgiving people instead of choosing forgiveness, drink the poison of unforgiveness; that is, they drink poison expecting someone else to die; that's what unforgiveness does to people who carry the burden of unforgiveness. Unforgiving people find it hard to forgive; they carry the baggage of unforgiveness for the rest of their lives; many unforgiving people find it hard to let go, of the wrong things that happen or happened to them many days, months, or years ago. Unforgiveness causes people to live in the bondage of carrying unnecessary baggage of unforgiveness. When you feel hurt, unforgiveness can be your way of hurting your back. You have made yourself judge and have personally decided on the punishment that the wrongdoer deserves. You feel justified as you burn with anger while retelling your story to a friend, or when you are alone rehashing the offense. Every thought or word is like a piercing dagger that is thrust toward the person who wronged you. You may punish the offender with a cold attitude or distance; or you may use moreover threats, ridicule, accusations, and criticism to hurt back.
Unforgiving people believe that debt was created when they were wronged and an expectation of payment therefore emerges. Here people are at risk of developing a self-righteous attitude and a spirit of entitlement. You start to believe that the world owes you. The debt positions you in a "superior" role because you now have something to hold over the offender's head. In other words, you can use the mistake to control and overpower the offender. When people get hurt, they feel vulnerable and out of control. At the core of unforgiveness lies fear. Most people fear getting hurt again and the solution to unforgiveness is to harden the heart to escape the pain. The hurt people start to build walls around their hearts in anticipation of another attack. You might think to yourself, "I will not be duped again into thinking this person is nice, so I am writing them off. I will not be trampled upon again." Using unforgiveness as payback, power, weaponry, and protection might make you feel stronger and more in control, but these so-called "benefits" are only an illusion.
Agreeing with unforgiveness will only lead to imprisonment because you are allowing the offender to control you. The result is loneliness, which can adversely affect your social and healthy being. Forgiveness is an important aspect of moving forward and experiencing healing from previous hurts and pain. This is often a difficult thing to achieve but can achieve this by having a slow process whereby we cognitively and emotionally forgive only to have positive memories. When people don't forgive and experience symptoms of sadness, depression, or anxiety the serotonin levels in the brain are lower than they should be; which can also lead to other issues such as obsessive thinking. This can then lead to increased levels of stress hormones (cortisol) being released into our bodies because obsessive thinking is usually not a relaxing exercise. Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness, and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance, and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your bitterness or sense of injustice. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Some of the notable signs of unforgiveness include; Experiencing bursts of anger Most people suffering from unforgiveness are easily angered; a thing that leads to consistent conflict. If you're struggling with unforgiveness, you're likely bottling up your anger. Most often, the person who is the recipient of the inevitable outburst is not the person who caused the stress or pain. You ought to be mindful when you start to feel anger building.
Be aware of the source. If you catch yourself in the middle of an outburst, it's never too late to do an about-face. Apologize to the victim of your outburst. Take a deep breath. If you can, spend a few moments alone. Always being too petty and impulsive Unforgiving people most often are too petty and impulsive; they are greatly offended even by very minor provocation. When interacting with people whom you struggle to forgive, do you make snide remarks? Do you send them passive-aggressive texts? Do you engage in mudslinging? And yet you're still powerless because you have not forgiven them. Being desperate to make people understand how you feel Unforgiving people are always waning they want to seek sympathy; a thing that makes them offensive and defensive; unforgiving people are quick to explain how they have been offended. Always being compulsive You can't control the hurtful person, but you can control your environment. This can quickly become a negative spiral of compulsive activity. Maybe for you, this means keeping your spaces spotless, checking social media repeatedly, or making unnecessary purchases. Maybe it involves comfort eating. These behaviors give you the impression of being in control, but they will not change the result of your interactions with the person. These activities only distract you from getting to the heart of the problem. Not taking responsibility for your feelings Unforgiving people find it hard to take responsibility for their feelings; they blame others for their feelings. You ought to learn to take control of your feelings. You can refuse to be offended by being optimistic; pessimistic people are like sparks they go collecting every kind of offense against them; this makes them conflict with close friends and relatives.
Always being sick is a notable sign that is evident in people suffering from unforgiveness; Unforgiving people are always sick. If you're struggling with stress-related illnesses such as anxiety, depression, or high blood pressure, it may be time to try some forgiveness therapy. Letting go of bitterness has been said to not only improve the above conditions, but also improve your immune system, heart, and overall mental health You're keeping a list of offenses Unforgiving people are known to keep records of offenses; they can remember an offense that occurred to them ten or twenty years as if it occurred yesterday; It's not like you're keeping an actual physical list of all the times you were slighted or offended…..right? Most likely it's a mental list. Each time your offender looks at you the wrong way, says something offensive, or just ignores you, you catalog the action as part of a long list of offenses you use to justify keeping them trapped in your dungeon. If your list is so long that you've forgotten the original offense that started you down this dark path; it's probably time to ditch the list. If you already have a written list, you're already halfway there. Just put it in the shredder. If it's in your head, go ahead and write it down then destroy it. You hate yourself Personal blame and hatred are notable signs of unforgiving people; if you're stuck in unforgiveness, you are probably experiencing a toxic brew of guilt, shame, self-judgment, and self-sabotage. You may not even realize that you're being so hard on yourself because you decided to withhold forgiveness. You ought to say to yourself; "though I am struggling to let go of this hurt, I fully love and accept myself just as I am." This radical self-acceptance will begin the healing journey of learning to let go of hurts that may have been lodged in your soul for many years. Replaying the scene over and over If you find yourself lying awake in bed at 2:00 a.m. replaying events that happened weeks, months, or years ago, this one may resonate with you. And you know that with each replay, your feelings of stickiness and resentment grow. Sometimes, you find yourself fixating so much on the past that you've allowed it to define everything you do. For instance, if your heart was broken in a past relationship, you may have consciously decided to let people in only so far, even someone you may have grown to love deeply. Gossiping about others It's natural to want to return the hurt to those who have hurt us.
One of the primary ways we do this is through gossip. We may divulge their secrets or spread untruths about them behind their backs. If you intend to cause harm with the tongue, you'd be wise to heed the proverb: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits" (Proverb 18:21). When you gossip, you're not only doing further harm to your broken relationship, but you endanger your relationships with the very people you gossip with and about what you said about them. While your gossiping may start as a bonding experience, sooner people will learn that you cannot be trusted to hold their confidence. Soon enough, you'll have fewer people whom you can gossip about and even fewer real friends. You're righteous and entitled even if your situation is one where there was genuinely no wrong on your part, using this as a reason for not letting go will not sanctify your righteousness. You will only grow bitter with each passing day. You ought to challenge your sense of entitlement. Ask yourself hard questions like, "How may have I contributed to this impasse?" or "How have I caused harm to this person?" Regardless of whether or not you can answer the questions, they will open up a space of compassion for yourself and them from which you can begin to find relief from unforgiveness.
Remember others have been wronged by your actions and will struggle to forgive you as well. Many unforgiving people hide in a cocoon known as holier than thou. You exercise poor judgment if someone's hurt you in a significant way, you may engage in unhealthy or risky behavior as a form of self-medication. Think of the cheated lover who engages in a string of unhealthy relationships or the humiliated person who goes on a spending spree. What's worse is that we justify our actions with a false sense of self-care. While self-care is a hugely important part of letting go of unforgiveness, actions that provide short-term relief but long-term harm are not acts of self-care. Identify things you can do to engage in proper self-care. Create a list that you can use every time someone harms you in a way that might be difficult to forgive. In the list could be things like prayer, exercise, meditation, healthy eating, breathing exercises, sleeping, etc. Refusing to confide in others Refusing to share what you are going through can be a notable sign of unforgiveness; most people suffering from unforgiveness are often lonely because they don't like to confide in even their close friends. We live in a culture that believes that reaching out for help is a sign of weakness. You may be withholding forgiveness because you believe it might cause you to appear weak in the eyes of others. But if you're reeling from hurt, it may be helpful to share your feelings with a trusted friend—in a non-gossipy way of course.
The difference here is that when you gossip, you focus on the actions of the offender instead of focusing on your feelings and owning them. Just sharing your feelings can provide relief and perspective. It may free you from the stuck feeling and promote creative thinking to help you move on from the hurt and resentment. Don't let unforgiveness destroy you Are you ready to let go of past hurts so you can move on with your life? Then it's time to begin letting go of unforgiveness. Know that learning to forgive is a lifelong process. Just like love, forgiveness is a decision we make each day. Yes, it's hard, but don't be discouraged. Your fresh start can begin today. Many people don't believe that unforgiveness is a medical condition that needs to be addressed medically; they view unforgiveness as a normal thing that makes them unable to come out of that condition. Until you understand that you have a problem, it will be hard to deal with the same. Accepting that you have a problem is one way of dealing with unforgiveness. You need to learn to let go; this is a vital step in dealing with unforgiveness; people who carry the baggage of offenses cannot come out of the bondage of unforgiveness. People who keep records of wrongs done to them find it hard to let go. To overcome unforgiveness people ought to train themselves to forgive unconditionally and let go of every pain and hatred. Accepting that you are living with people and in most cases, they will offend you; is the first step in dealing with unforgiveness; judgmental people find it hard to forgive. People ought to learn to release the baggage of unforgiveness for them to be free. Taking responsibility to forgive oneself is another major step in taking an initiative to forgive others; people who cannot forgive themselves find it hard to forgive others; to overcome forgiveness you ought to learn to forgive yourself first. Changing your attitude towards people is a notable step in dealing with forgiveness. This can be done by training yourself to love people unconditionally. Most unforgiving people have a problem of loving others; most pessimistic people find it hard to forgive others.
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