Hey hey! Welcome the very first Sacred Blog! I am so excited that you're here with me!
I thought it would be most fitting to start this blog with my own personal life story. The purpose being to show you what possibility feels like. And to give you an opportunity to get to know me a little deeper.
Let this story be a testament to personal power and transformation.
Before I begin, I should place a TRIGGER WARNING here. This story contains multiple traumas, abuse, loss, mentions of drug use and suicide. I have no intentions of retraumatizing anyone, please, read with caution!
I grew up in a really tiny town in upstate New York. I was born into a broken family. At no fault of anyone it was quite the struggle bus from the beginning. With my mother working hard to provide for 3 children on her own and my father not in the picture since before I was even born, the energy of abandonment was already around me.
I call this girl the little lost girl. A girl who from the rip did not feel seen, heard, loved, understood or cared about. Of course, this follows me as I grow. It was hard for me to make friends. It was hard for me to keep friends.. further solidifying the abandonment I am beginning to know so very well! I was an outcast. At least that's how I felt. Little freckled faced girl.. I even looked different.
Enter in attention seeking..
Abandonment and attention seeking go hand in hand don’t they?? I learned fairly quickly how to get the attention I was so desperately missing. And it was not in the most little good girl way. It was the little lost girl way.
By teenagerhood I am a reckless little human. A true rebel! If you told me what to do I would most definitely do the opposite. If you tried to give me rules I most definitely broke them. A slippery slope, I know. Buckle up!!! Sneaking out was exciting. Dating circles at school caused chaos. I started to play the game. The manipulation game that is. Oh what a rush. It was a fuck you from my pain and it was the high that filled the gaps. But sneaking out and being the rebel I was didn't really get me in with the “in” crowd.
Enter in drugs.
Little lost girl is now about 12 years old hanging out at random older kids houses smoking weed and laughing and feeling free! It all starts out fun. Feels exciting. But I was unprepared and unaware of what was bulldozing toward me. Deeper and deeper into the crowds with the druggies I landed myself on the doorstep of the most known bad kids in town. 16 year old little lost girl was now full on partying and trying every hard drug that entered. In a matter of 6 months I was suspended from school for doing drugs, my mom now knew about it all and we just found out I was 6 weeks pregnant… oof.
A 16 year old little lost girl rebelling her life away with massive abandonment problems, no direction, no life or relationship skills, now pregnant. My mom cried and cried and cried. It wasn’t so much her sadness that upset me at the time, it was her overwhelming disappointment of me. I eventually decided to keep the baby. Got a job at McDonald’s, managed to get a little apartment, kept going to school…all at 16. You can imagine the pressure that I felt holding all of this. My childhood was officially over and I was not prepared for adulthood. Maybe it’ll be okay.
In May of the following year I become a 17 year old mom. Welcomed a beautiful healthy perfect baby boy.
I’d love to tell you that my life changed and I turned it all around.. but that isn’t my story. Shortly after that time I was introduced to heroin.
See I never stopped doing drugs. Before I knew I was pregnant I was already addicted to pills, drinking heavily and smoking weed was the norm. While I paused during the pregnancy with the hard drugs and drinking.. my lifestyle didn’t change a bit. And that little apartment?? The new party spot to come and do all your drugs. It took one time trying heroin and I was in love. It gave me everything I thought I needed. More than anything I had ever had or tried before.
Shortly after.. enter IV usage. Again, my first time shooting heroin was all it took. I was done for. My life was officially over right here. And I was oblivious. 17 years old.
The next few years are a blur. I was a good mom. I loved my boy. But how good of a mom are you living the lifestyle I was… my mother had taken the “mother” role. And for a time, I was fine with it. I didn’t actually believe I was fit to be a mother, nor did I know what I was doing.
I won’t bore you with the details of the next few years. Just know that my drug addiction ruled me. And I sank deeper.. and deeper.. and deeper. By 22 I had lost it all. My sons father was incarcerated. Where he would stay until present day. My mom had my son full time because I just couldn’t do it. I went through withdrawals from drugs on a regular basis. No functioning. A vicious cycle. There was no way out. Depression, anxiety, a broken little lost girl. As lost as ever. I think back about her and it pains me. Still today.
Now here’s where the story gets its first glimpse of hope. Short lived, but a sign for things to come! I was completely alone in my apartment. Everyone left. Typical huh? My old friend. I was in pain, so much pain. This is the first time I reached out to “God”. Now I wasn’t religious. I did not grow up with any religion or beliefs. I knew nothing about it. But I was desperate. I just needed the anxiety and pain to go away. Please.
I wasn’t answered right then and there. But soon after I was guided to try a yoga video on YouTube. I didn’t know what else to do. And it actually gave me some relief!!! I started doing little 5 minute yoga videos all day long. Constantly. I clung to it. Managed to piece together a little sobriety. At least from the hard drugs.. I would smoke and do yoga and man everything was okay. This was my entry into the yoga world. And also, although I didn’t know it yet, my entry into the spiritual world. More about that later!
I relapsed all the time. This wasn’t the turn of it all either. But it was a glimpse!
Shortly after I made my way back into a pretty rough spot. All alone again, this time my girlfriend at the time had an intervention thrown on her and she went off to rehab. No help for me. That hurt… for the second time I reached out to “God”. He answered. It answered?? God, universe, source, spirit, whatever you want to apply here works for me! I broke down crying and begging for help and at that very moment my phone rang. It was a call from her. I had never asked for help. Ever. Rebel remember?? I told her I needed help. I felt the energy from “God”. I knew, I felt that that was an answer to my cries!
Not long after that phone call I’m off to my very first rehab!! In sunny south Florida! Scared shitless. But happy as fuck to just be getting out. Out of that town. Out of that apartment. Out...
Again, I’d love to say that this was it! The turning point! But sadly.. it only gets worse from here. Unimaginably worse..
Rehab was a vacation. Little lost girl from a small town in upstate New York. I had never left New York before! Never flown! I had never seen or been somewhere other than that little town. It was fun for me. Another game. Tons of manipulation. Breaking all the rules. Same old story.
I had no where to go after rehab. They said go to a halfway house. Never heard of it. Apparently Florida is known for its recovery! "Sure, let’s do it." A house with tons of girls fresh out of rehab. All of us being monitored and watched and rules to follow and curfews and all that. An entry back into the world. Had to get a job, had to pay for rent. Whew. Did they know who I was??? Not a chance.
I did the same old shit. 4 months later, relapse.
This was my first experience with homelessness. In a completely new state. No support from home. All alone. What a theme.
At first I did the hotel hop. A bunch of addicts running from halfway, putting money together for a room to get high in. Tons of drugs. Girls selling their bodies. No one knowing what they were gonna do next to get by. This was an entirely new level of lost and broken. A different world. I won’t try to explain the lifestyle too much, frankly, unless you’ve experienced it you’d never really understand what it was.
23 to 26 was a whirlwind. My first experience with domestic violence and sexual abuse. That continued for a time. The lowest part of my story?? Close but not quite.
At this point the little lost girl was gone. There was a face and body but the soul was missing. There was no life. No identity. No sense of self. No self to sense.
Back to New York. Back to Florida. Back to New York. Detoxing yet again on my own, ended up in the psychiatric floor of a hospital. Suicide watch. Shortly after finding out I’m pregnant for the second time… I managed to pull it together for a very short amount of time. Got an apartment. Got into a relationship. Lost it all again. More physical and emotional abuse. Used the whole pregnancy. I have no words to describe to you my state of mind at this point. It was completely shattered. I delivered a healthy baby boy by the grace of “God”. Beautiful. Perfect.
4 weeks later you’d find me dead on the floor.
Being narcaned multiple times to try and bring me back from a fentanyl overdose. I should have died. The last part of me I still had did. This was my end. There was no lower place to go. I had overdosed many many times throughout my use but I always came out of it. This time? My body was giving out and the drugs weren’t the same as they used to be. Without assistance there was no chance of waking up. It was all more risky and dangerous than ever.
Shortly after I was moving again. This time? New Jersey. A fresh start! Gonna give it another try.
Hopelessly failed.
I made a deal to get some money, I would go back to New York to get high one last time. It was 2018. I was 28. It was the middle of winter, end of December to be exact. I had no where to go. No family would take me in. I had robbed and stolen so much from everyone I wouldn’t have wanted me either. My family had gotten to the point they were preparing for another phone call. But this time.. they knew it would be the grave. And I knew it too.
I knew that if I didn’t get clean soon I was not going to make it. I had accepted what my fate was. I was running towards it. I would not last another year.
Close to New York, by another act of grace from “God” my much older half sister said she would take me in. Only until I got into a rehab. "No problem!!" What we both didn’t know at this moment was that this act of grace from her would be what saved my life.
Yes! We’ve made it!
The turnaround!
I detoxed alone on her couch on New Years Eve. I again cannot describe to you what that is like. Excruciating? Brutal? You get to a point where you don’t think you’ll make it through and it’s at that moment, if you stay with it, that the detox breaks.
January 2nd I go into rehab. My first day completely clean and sober. Rehab started like every other one.. my intentions were to do the 30 days and go back to New Jersey. Back to what I knew.
Somewhere along the process things changed for me.
I had a counselor that was finally able to reach me. I’m not sure if it was any one thing that did it for me… I truly believe it was the culmination of everything. I knew I would not survive if I kept going. So it was a true matter of life and death. Did I want to live? Or was I okay with and accepting of my fate?
I made a choice in that rehab. Looking back on my life and what it was up to that point I just couldn’t get behind the fact that that was it… this was life??? What’s the purpose? I hadn’t achieved anything great except my children. But I wasn’t even a good or available mother. My life was sad. Empty. Lonely. That was really my story?? Not memorable in the least bit. I would have fizzled out and been forgotten. Just like I had always felt…so fitting.
At this point if you’ve gathered anything about me you’d now know that I don’t like to follow rules. And I certainly am not one for being submissive. My whole existence consisted of life and people trying to control me and tell me what to do.
No.
There had to be something more to life. Life has to be better than this!? I decided that I was going to see if that was true. My fate was death anyway.. why not! My counselor said something to me that changed the whole trajectory. She asked me a question.
“What are you going to do different this time?”
For the first time I actually gave it some thought.. what can I do different? It came to me, I was going to surrender. The only thing I have never done was actually listen and follow directions. So that must be it. And it was.
The first request was to leave my boyfriend. Done. Did it right there in rehab. The second request was from my mother. Change your phone number. Done. The third request was to go back to a halfway program. Okay.
For the first time ever I let other people lead my life. I listened, I took suggestions. I didn’t feel the change happening. I had no idea change was occurring at the time. But looking back now I see how quickly it all shifted. While I’m in halfway it was recommended I do a further 6 months in treatment at a sober living. Of course, I said okay.
My recovery that first year was messy. I made so many mistakes. So many toxic behaviors still and so much I was still recovering from. I wasn’t on drugs but I was still a very sick human. I had loads of trauma and mental health issues. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, chronic depression, social anxiety, and PTSD. I had no idea how to be a human. I had no identity from my past. I was just listening and taking suggestions.. over and over again.
I had a thought at one point that if I wasn’t a real human anymore and the past was essentially wiped clean… then I could recreate myself any way I wanted. So I tried that on. I started to choose who I wanted to be. I chose how I showed up. I chose what I let into my world and what I didn’t. I chose my life. My reality. Reaching one year of sobriety was monumental. People don’t understand what it actually takes to recover from a life that is worlds different from their day to day. If you haven’t been there and you don’t try to understand, you never will.
One year sober.
At this point I was in a relationship with my second sons father. It was a very toxic relationship, one that we both wanted to work to fix. And we did!!! But that’s for another blog... I decided to move back to Florida to try and save my family. Holy scary!!!! So scary. My mother was so upset. Sure that I was walking right back into the madness… understandably so.
My second year of sobriety consisted of a lot more work!!! Couples counseling, trying to connect with a new recovery community, fighting all the demons that still raged in me. One year can change your life but one year cannot heal a lifetime of pain. March of 2019 we flew up to New York to try and get our baby boy home. The scariest day. Sitting in the courtroom. Ready for it to be a process. We were so nervous and full of unknown possibilities. Most of which were not very promising!
I’ll never forget the judge saying that "the child can be returned to the parents." Tears immediately. We cried and cried. Unbelievable. All of our hard work. That entire year of treatment. It worked!! The first big blessing and gift from the universe that came as a complete surprise. A total confirmation to me that change was happening and life was actually fixing itself with me. We flew home the next morning, with our little boy next to us. Going home! I’m emotional writing this. It was such a profound moment of my life.
June 2019 I gave birth to my third son. Another monumental moment. A completely healthy pregnancy and birth. An all natural birth. It was such a dream. And it represented something HUGE! It was my reclamation of mommy hood. It was my gift from “god” showing me that I could be a good mother. That I was a fit mother. That sober Trish was an exceptional mother. Man did I need that.
Year 3 of sobriety.. more gifts. More healing. We desperately wanted to complete the family. There was one little boy still missing! My son from another time, another relationship. He was 12 at this point. 12 years without a mother or father. 12 years of immense pain. Could we do it??
2020 was another year of blessings after blessings. We managed to get our first home!! A house! Secured it right before covid hit. A gorgeous place. I mean understand where we came from here... 3 years prior we were homeless and barely hanging on to life. Now we were homeowners with kids? It was a new world!!!! Omg a whole new world. That summer… my son came home. I want you to know that now I’m really crying writing this!! This was yet again another extremely monumental moment. 12 years! 12 years of not feeling worthy of him. And he finally came home.
December 2020 we got engaged. The next chapter. A bright fucking future! My reality was completely changed. Everything was new and exciting. Everything had new life and purpose. All of the inner work. All of the counseling. All of the mistakes. All of the hard moments. All of the effort! All of it, was worth it. I had a new appreciation for life. And gratitude was something I felt deeply every single day.
2020 was also the year I decided to go to yoga school! Now I’ve talked about yoga briefly, my entry into that world. But what I haven’t mentioned to you was that I never stopped doing yoga. My relationship with yoga was this.. it was the one thing that the drugs never took away from me. It was the one thing that never left me!!! Every time I had tried to get sober yoga was there. It was there! Waiting for me! I never practiced while I was getting high and I always returned to it when I wanted to get sober! I hope you can see how much that means to me. And how powerful of a relationship that is.
January 2021 I was officially a registered Yoga Teacher! I fucking did it! My dream. Such a dream! At this point I had also found The Tarot. It quickly became another tool in my pocket that helped me on my path! It helped me communicate with this “God” that I now call The Universe. It helped me really see and believe that I was being supported and guided by something huge. The energy that surrounds us and lives inside of us. It speaks to us. If we listen.
2021 I started my first business! Come as you are yoga! Business owner!!!! Can you fucking believe it?!?!?! I couldn’t. Still blows me away. 2021 was also the year I learned about the personal development world. Realizing pretty quickly that what I have done was completely transformed my own life. The principals taught were ones that I deeply understood! Because I lived them!! I implemented them without knowing that that was what I was doing and they worked!!!!
2022 we started remodeling our home… just one blessing after another continues. I was deep into the self help world last year! I was screaming to the world about what was possible!!!!! About the power we hold!!!! About what we can do!!!! What we can create! What we can achieve! How sweet life could get!!!
All of this leading up to me, sitting right here, writing this…
I write this for that little lost girl. I write this for any other little lost girl out there. I write this for possibility and for change. I write this as a testament to what life can be.
To sum this up let me share with you some things I now know to be deeply true…
♥ We can completely recreate ourselves at any time.
♥ We do not have to do anything alone.
♥ We can heal from our pasts, no matter how excruciating they were.
♥ Mental health does not define us.
♥ Gratitude is the key that unlocks the door for happiness and peace.
♥ Nothing changes if we don’t choose it.
♥ No one can make the changes for us but people can guide us and help us get out of our own way.
♥ You are what you say you are. What you think you are. It’s up to you to choose different. To think different.
♥ The universe is always guiding and supporting us. We don’t hear it until we intentionally listen for it.
♥ Our dreams and desires aren’t even close to what’s actually possible for us!
♥ We DO recover! We not only recover, we fucking thrive!
♥ And lastly.. you are never lost. You are never forgotten. You are incredibly loved. There are people who see you. There are people who can hear you. You are powerful beyond measure. You MATTER! And your life has such a beautiful purpose, one that’s waiting to be found and claimed.
I enter this new year with bigger dreams and more possibilities.
This is my first blog for my NEW business, or business name and vibe I should say! Sacred Edge Yoga & Wellness.
Claiming more of my space. Stepping into more of who I am. Sharing it all louder, bolder and with much more drive to serve everyone and anyone who needs what I've always needed! Someone there!
I know that this is not the end of the journey, not even close, for me. Healing doesn't just come to an end. I have a lot more work to do, but more than that.. I have a lot more life to live! To experience! To feel! Life is about the journey. The whole journey. Not an end, not a destination, but everything in between. So as you walk your own journey, I hope you carry this with you.
At your sacred edge, anything is possible.
You just have to take that first step!
Thank you so much for going on this wild ride with me! My aim for this blog is for you to get to know me a little and for you to see and know that you are in fucking charge, I hope to have delivered a piece of that!
If you'd like to connect, you can find me in a few places.
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More blogs will be coming soon!
I love you.
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