Often, it's crucial to take a step back and honestly assess ourselves. It's surprising how unaware we can be of our own state of mind and well-being. I had my own wake-up call about two months ago when I realized I was living in a fog. It was during this time that I started taking a new medication to help me quit smoking. I decided to share my journey on social media, and not only did it improve my physical health, but it also opened my eyes to a whole new level of self-awareness.
The first couple of weeks on the anti-depressant were incredibly challenging for me, but they also proved to be enlightening. I was dealing with stuff with my kids, dealing with my worth, dealing with the fear of my job ending, and on an anti-depressant. YALL WHEW. However, it was during this period that I embarked on a personal quest to understand myself better. The struggles I experienced while not feeling okay forced me to confront some deep-rooted issues that I had been ignoring. Like my personal fears about parenting and raising kids, specifically my teenage son. My professional fears about my worth. My fear of my passion, who do I think I am? This was imposter syndrome off the Richter Scale.
On this quest, I came across the enlightening Four Tendencies Quiz by Gretchen Rubin. (Take Quiz) This quiz helped me identify my primary tendency, and I was not surprised to discover that I fell into the category of an Obliger. In this blog post, I want to share my experiences, insights, and the lessons I've learned about being an Obliger. By understanding and embracing my Obliger nature, I have found new ways to foster personal development and enhance my relationships.
Before delving into my Obliger perspective, let me briefly explain the Four Tendencies model. According to Gretchen Rubin, individuals can be categorized into four tendencies based on how they respond to expectations:
Upholders: Those who meet both inner and outer expectations.
Questioners: Individuals who question all expectations and meet them only if they align with their internal standards.
Rebels: People who resist all expectations, both inner and outer.
Obligers: Individuals who meet outer expectations but often struggle with meeting their own inner expectations.
As an Obliger, it comes as no surprise that I tend to prioritize fulfilling others' expectations over meeting my own. (Yall get that email yesterday?) It's a characteristic that has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. I've always been known as someone who is highly reliable, excelling at meeting external obligations and responsibilities. It's almost as if I thrive when held accountable by external factors, whether it's deadlines or the expectations that others have of me.
Throughout my life, I've often found myself going above and beyond to meet the expectations placed upon me by others. Whether it's at work, in relationships, or even in social settings, I have a natural inclination to do whatever it takes to ensure that I don't let anyone down. The thought of disappointing someone or not living up to their expectations fills me with a sense of dread and guilt.
This tendency to be reliable and accommodating has its benefits. People have come to rely on me, knowing that they can count on me to follow through on my commitments. I'm often sought after for group projects or team collaborations because I'm seen as someone who can be trusted to get things done. My ability to meet external expectations has earned me a reputation as a dependable team player. It's made me a great service provider. So while I could I give myself a hard time about this I will choose to be grateful because it could be worse LOL.
However, there are challenges that come with being an Obliger. One of the major struggles I face is finding it challenging to meet my own inner expectations. I have a tendency to put my own needs and desires on the back burner while prioritizing the needs of others. This can often lead to neglecting self-care and personal goals, resulting in a feeling of imbalance and a lack of fulfillment.
Setting boundaries is another area where I've encountered difficulties. Saying "no" has never come easily to me, as I fear disappointing or letting others down. This has often resulted in over-commitment and a feeling of being overwhelmed. It's a constant battle to find the right balance between meeting the needs of others and taking care of myself.
However, being aware of these challenges has allowed me to take steps towards embracing my Obliger nature and finding a healthier balance. I've come to recognize the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. Learning to say "no" when necessary and carving out time for my own personal growth and well-being has been transformative.
Additionally, I've discovered the power of accountability partners and external accountability systems. By seeking the support of others who can provide motivation and hold me accountable, I've found it easier to meet my own expectations.
Embracing My Obliger Tendency:
Understanding my Obliger tendency has been a transformative experience, empowering me to navigate my personal growth journey. Here are a few strategies that have helped me harness the strengths of my Obliger nature while overcoming its challenges:
Accountability Partners: I know I need a tribe. And I love them for loving me. It's ok to lean on them. Thats true friendship.
Inner Accountability Systems: I've developed strategies to create external accountability for my inner expectations. For instance, I journal and jot down my goals and go back to them. I know that with or without my tribe I've got to have a system.
Self-Compassion and Prioritization: I've learned to prioritize self-care and set boundaries. I now understand the importance of saying "no" when necessary and allocating time and energy to the things that make me happy and feel at ease.
I want you all to feel empowered to become more self-aware. This doesn't mean you've gotta do anything that you aren't comfortable with. This means to take a moment and truly ask yourself... Am I Ok? and once you lie to yourself and say YES, you ask again and pause before you answer. Then when you tell the truth acknowledge it and discover why and how to change it around. I imagine if I'd been able to slow down on the people-pleasing, hustling, and performing I would've known that I was seriously not living my best life but my best lie. And that's the truth, with the mask on I felt fine but when my mask was lifted the ugly truth was exposed. It was too late at that point, I'd exploded and revealed a person I didn't know. Don't let yourself get to that point.
Believe me when I say you have my love!
Chasity
Take the Four Tendecies Quiz Yourself
Feel free to share your tendency if comfortable below!
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