.......my father's other name was Tan Kim Swee, as what I knew it from his eldest sister as when his family came over to ours - or rather, we came visiting them in Toa Payoh, once upon a time in my youth during the festive season.
That technically made, and should put me, belonging to the Tan Family - the Tan Clan.
Therefore, by all bloodline rights & claims - it has to be Musafir Lara - with a 'Tan' affixed to it.
He has his younger sister - Munah by her Malay Muslim name, given to adoption to the Johari's Family - whilst the rest of his siblings, nephews and nieces were all as Chinese as they still were and could, scattered all over the island in Toa Payoh & Bukit Panjang, be amongst those residential areas they put up at.
There was one - his nephew, if I could recall it correctly - Ngah Ngah - as they referred him - son of Bah Gong and they hailed from Bukit Panjang - that was said to have a very closed resemblance of me: the resemblance would have been spittingly uncanny!! - as what Mr. Bean would have put it, be - in one of his invited shows on T.V.
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It was during the post-War that father was left to a Javanese family neighbour to tend to him while his mother made way home to Batavia, or to today's modern-day Java.
To her non-return for several years, the Javanese neighbour had then taken him into their family, and adopted him becoming a Malay (or rather, Muslim) and given a name: Selamat - and affixed with the traditional Muslim way of identification to the family - with a Bin (the equivalent of the English 'son of') - to the adopted father's name: Bin Kassim.
So from Tan Kim Swee, he became Selamat Bin Kassim and the Tan surname - the bloodline of the clan, was lost in the violation and disregard of the order of things back then.
It was un-Islamic to say too - because in Islam, the bloodline of a clan or of a tribal indentification is indeed of a major & paramount case for preservation within their members - and no matter the historical pre non-islamic of it, or the post islamic of it - it shall always be maintained as it is; it shall be preserved in the bloodline ahead - it's an identity - the roots of the family.
......that the clan's identity as in the case of my father's, and mine now - removed and eridicated through the adoption process years ago during that occupational period, was something that was not fully made understood by those living there and then.......
.......maybe it was unintentional, as it has been a common occurrences too as such way, in the old days.
Or perhaps there were some other perks or situational matters that resulted in those adoptions process be made in such a manner - to preserve something else more pressing - and in return - discarding one that in those immediate eyes then, had no significant loss at all physically or in economical manner then in dropping the clan's name from it, in those days.....
There were other pressing matters for survival to think of, back then that made it even trivial to make the surname thingy an issue at all, then.
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Who knows for certain about the situations of losing the identification of the bloodline back then; there are only much speculation - I was not there, one thing for certain, and what I could do now - is merely speculating things - and try understanding them (those situations back then) - from their perspectives and ways of life, in those old days.
Father's mother - who therefore is my granny - hailed from Betawi or the Batavia (or modern-day Java in Indonesia) and his dad - whom is therefore my father's Ah Kong was married to a Javanese Muslim women then; which were quite a common thing of the interracial and interreligious marriage were back then in Batavia, and for that matter - elsewhere too in this Nusantara with the people flocking to Nanyang, and also with others from all over the trading world to here, in the old days.
Still, Ah Kong, as I was told from the tales of my late eldest aunt, insisted all his descendants, to follow his way - and remained as a Chinese as they can be.
But out of those insistence, two of his grandchildren - my father being one, and his younger sister, Munah - ended up differently, leading a life out of the clan bloodline altogether without that prefixed symbol & surname of his family's legacy.
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Today, as I grow older:
I began taking note of my roots, recalling as much from tales of the old aunts where my paternal ancestrial - could have come from.....
It's in a way, of me putting back a long, overdued acknowledgement of my bloodline and clan's identity, plus with that - the robust infusion of the post-life after the occupation that brought him - my father - and now me - into this abyss of that long self-denials, that sense of bereft and a sense of a loss of self-identity, and that lost of a soul that had Jackie Chan asked that question all these time:
Who am I?
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It would have been interesting to make an attempt to trace back the paternal's origin, to rediscover that lost sense of belonging & identification - for which it has been denied into existence so many past years ago, and to make an attempt too - even a small one at it - in that is to give it a formal and due recognition and mentioned of my bloodline ancestry:
To pronounced we are from the Tan's Clan, returning home to the family, finally.
As a child, I used to be embarrassed when taken as a Chinese due largely by default of my obvious ancestral features, and to have that and living amongst the different community altogether than that of my ancestral's - you could imagine the turmoil of confusion on my part as a child.
I just hate it be taken differently in error and in disregard of 'who I was' then - can't they see I am no different than anyone else - and more so too, be given with a strange, unique Malay name to carry along its weight upon me, tied things up to be in a total reclusive, embarrassment and confusion moments for me in a childhood of difficult time, then.
It was a low moment;
an inflicted of inferiority came out of it too.
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....... certainly, what I thought as 'who I was' in an attempt to normalise things back then is actually not the full sphere of things I understood as I would admit it be, now.
Indeed, I was, and I am still, as you can said it be, born differently - and how could I not be any different when I am the product of two racial poles of inheritance with distinct features and genetic heritage mixed into this one single mould of mine?
That brings home that very profound word into play, one that should have brought home a dose of self-pride instead of that self-beatings, out of that lack in assurance and identity, out of that destroying self-inferiority and of denials, embarrassments, disassociations and what there are to reclusive my deepest self into that very set of a corner; that word to give light of all that were but not true and it's really of a greater thing, actually - one word that needs to be given due acceptance:
Heritage!
That should be given an attached value; be given a deserving recognition; a truly worthy mentioned, acknowledgement and that sense of personal acceptance & celebration - and of which should make Jackie Chan needs an answer for his 'Who am I?' wondering jibe, he - or anyone of us - has to look no further than the full meaning and weight of that word: Heritage.
Today, I am as proud to be Malay, and as much at ease and in full pride to be half-Chinese and what more, with such a different, classic & unique personal Malay name to boot it, to bring home that sense of such uniqueness & differentness about being me!!
I have realized in these old days, unlike as when I was younger, that being different, unique is indeed, not a curse - but actually a blessing is - it is then upon how we carry those uniqueness, that differentness in ourselves - that then later on, instead of weighing us down - it could rather leverage us upwards and put a greater advantage for ourselves be than versus those 'commonly-born' of the singular background folks.
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Today I am in inheritance of the smartness and intelligence of the Chinese - oh, please: not to say or that I imply that the Malayness in me is lesser to that.
Rather, in the Malayness in me - I was given that bestowed rights of courage & bravery of my maternal's Malayness - for the Malays has always been warriors in all their life defending this motherland of theirs - courage & bravery are stood to be their virtues to stand upon their grounds; and coupled that with those smartness & intelligence of the other half of my ancestral paternal's kinship, I wonder then now at this age:
.......how could I make that counts, and how could I make that, now, lived differently in a way that could bring uniqueness into my life indeed, to truly lived up to my special heritage?
It is indeed now upon me to wonder in how to get that epitomised and manifested, and that Chinese portion of me shall then find his scheming ways again - and oh, please - don't get me wrong as when I said 'scheming' - and yet it does not mean in any way of a negative and bad ways.
Rather as in a truly resourceful person he is in finding and scheming his ways as in the old days been of the Nanyang influx to this region:
.....to find and refine his scheming ways to survive, to fit into a different set of mould and community to content with - and above all, to scheme his way to make this place a better place to live in without losing his very own identity.
......whilst the other maternal's part of me would always then stand ground to where I belong in this Nusantara - or the Malay Archipelagos - and along with it bringing about that friendliness, and that affections - that trust - traits of the people in this region.
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But one more thing,
before I bow out:
You see, the ancestral paternal's instinct in me, as fatherly as it is paternal - would always have a watchful eyes over things too - to see and ensure those friendliness and affections exudates by my maternal's will - will never be taken advantage of in any a ripped off way or scheming manner - and who else to be apt at guarding and giving that watchful eyes of it - if it's not that scheming-abled traits of my paternal's heritage too."
~ musafir,
Tan Kim Swee (II)
a Return Home to the Heritage,
and to the Long-Lost Family/Clan
THE INSPIRED MOOSE SERIES©
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