As a person living with chronic illness, one thing I miss is my ability to simply get up and get on with what I want to do.
I experience a lot of frustration about what feels like a treacly slowing down of my ability to progress with my writing, my life, my ambitions.
And yet, over the course of a week, I can usually manage to do some of the things I need to and that I also love dearly.
One of the ways I most often break out of my emotional and mental funks after a bad health week are to go for a slow, solo wander in my local woodland - whatever the weather.
Even when it's rainy and cold and muddy, these are some of my favourite times; where I get to simply breathe in the scents of the wood, feel the weather on my face, to think, to observe, to reconnect to that feeling of being inspired.
And on one such recent rainy, cold, muddy walk, I noticed the neon of a grit bin through the smir of the rain: and in it came an important small reminder from the universe.
That all of us trying to write to publish for others have grit.
We are all doing this tricky thing in this spirit of grit; we have a determination and passion to continue to pursue a really difficult goal.
Before my chronic illness progressed to this level, I wrote in my academic career; and that writing always felt like a tricksy, shapeshifting thing. But I still persevered and remained committed to writing my best pieces to the best of my ability at a given time.
And I remain like this now - even as I write differently and for a different reason and in a body that interrupts my flow more often than not.
Last post, I wrote about how this creates a fear for the chronically ill writer; will we be able to meet those deadlines? Even those we generously and with grace set and accept for ourselves?
This is on my mind a lot as we roll into February and I cross the '6 months to publication date' in my time line; I'm excited and terrified. I'm both energised and a little burned out.
But, I'm keeping that neon flash of the grit bin in mind; I'm letting myself take time to get stuck in, and unstuck as I need it.
If you are feeling your own writing slipping away from you; take a breather and jot down a reminder for yourself of why you are trying to do this difficult thing; why it is so important for you to write - and publish and share with others - those words that could also transform how they think, feel and act.
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