In my last post, I wrote about the ways I was attempting to channel that 'back to school' good September energy; I wanted to be creating more, and consuming less.
I've made good progress - I have so far stuck to my no buy and I am feeling really good about myself and hopeful that I can change entrenched habits that do not help me get to where I want to go.
However, progress on the 'creating more' front appears to have stalled.
- If you are feeling similarly frustrated that you have not been able to harness the good September energy into creative momentum, then this blog might be for you!
What is stopping me? Old ghosts and new fears combine
September should have gotten off to a flying start - I was armed with a surge of inspiration and encouragement after receiving feedback from a lovely writing group I joined in August.
Yet, I have stalled. Even although I've sat at my desk daily with my manuscript open, I've written notes; I even know what I need to write next.
Frustratingly, I've remained resistant to actually adding those words.
Instead, I've been stuck in a negative loop with my mindset gremlin whispering trolling little mean nothings to me:
- Maybe I just don't have what it takes.
- Maybe I don't 'have a book in me'.
- I can never stick to a deadline.
- I didn't finish my academic book (I had to cancel my contract when it became clear I had to end my career due to illness) - therefore, I'll never finish any book.
A Sunday writing mindset reset
It was time to deploy some old tools; some paper and a pen and a set of questions about what was keeping me stuck in this pointless loop and away from my writing.
I asked myself:
- what feels difficult when sitting in front of my manuscript;
- what doubts or fears are cropping up;
- what old shames re: writing are emerging.
This turned up the same old - and some new - doubts about my ability to persist through to publication.
From the old playlist:
- I have a history of missed deadlines (hello academia!);
- I get stuck in re-drafts and re-write perfectionist cycles;
- while I have a suite of academic publications and a PhD thesis - I don't have 'a book';
- my process as a discovery writer - and not a plotter - means I'm somehow a 'bad writer'.
And from the new playlist:
- 'who do you even think you are to try to write something you 'aren't qualified for' (hello again disciplining cultures of academia);
- maybe you are just not clever enough
- why can't you just plot!!!
Why are these doubts and fears cropping up now? Painsomnia did it again
When I continued asking 'why' these negative thoughts and feelings (and some facts) keep cropping up now - especially when I have good feedback and inspiration and a plan of what to write next - I realised that I have been in a period of intransigent insomnia and unmanageable pain.
When I flare on all fronts, I am in survival mode. Anything other than getting from morning through to evening is a win.
That I have to take time to remind myself of this - it reveals just how deep those old ways of learning how to write and publish kick in. The productivity cultures and the targets and the ableism.
I realised that I am trying to ignore and push through the flare because I'm listening to those old old shames about 'missed deadlines' and 'not writing fast enough' .
Obviously, on/in reflection, I'm letting the negative talk more loudly because I am at a low ebb.
A deadline is just a marker, a hope - and we can reset that too
I'm determined to move forwards this week - which may include writing new words, but it may not.
I can appreciate creativity in my notes and scribbles as progress when pain and exhaustion keeps me from even being able to sit at my desk.
Of course, I am frustrated that my book is not out for its readers to enjoy; that I can't get on with the next books in the series; that I can't even dream of making an income again, yet.
But - I will try better to not let old thoughts that were from my old writing life infiltrate my new writing life and purpose.
I choose to be an indie author of fiction for a whole range of good reasons and I am showing up for them.
I'm showing up for the writer I am now - a discovery writing, indie author of cozy (ish) mysteries who is creating worlds while battling chronic illness.
- If you need a little reset of your own mindset - I hope this helps.
X
Comments ()