I'm writing this post during that 'first week back' to school and work after the festive season here in the U.K; and like many of us, I'm part relieved to be back in a routine of sorts, and part scrambling to reconnect with said routine!
Gone are the stress-free slow mornings and flexible days and back are the early morning 'ready for school' rush and the time restrictions of the school runs, meals, laundry and everything else that comes with term time.
There is of course some benefit to these set parameters of the back to school day - there is a dedicated writing window. And, in theory, dedicated quiet 'off duty mum' time.
But here comes the rub - and the point of this post - trying to work to this set routine when living with chronic illness is far less straight forward.
(Re)Learning how to tap into my writing rhythms
I have really struggled with coping with how chronic illness - unpredictably - disrupts even the best laid, paced, plans.
This not only applies to how often my health is too poor to allow me to venture far or have the energy to socialise, but also how even 'sitting at a desk and writing' can become too much as fatigue and fog and pain set in - and trigger other issues like migraines or longer flares.
I have tried to 'push through it' (clue - this was not the way and it only led to a deep and profound burnout that I don't think I have ever recovered fully from); and I've tried to not set any routine and go with how my body feels. While the latter is perhaps the ideal option - it does not work for me.
It is not in my nature to 'go with the flow' (!) - besides I am a mum and I am trying to re-establish a career that I can, largely, plan for and work with my restrictions rather than against them.
That is my biggest hope for my choice of independent publishing my fiction; a long term plan that I control.
What I can control: getting out of my way without gaslighting myself
My biggest lesson from the years that I have been struggling with coming to terms with my chronic illness, is that in spite of it all, there are still many things that I can control.
And no - I'm not engaging in toxic positivity talk here - or trying to gaslight myself - I am going to share what a deep dive into how I was actually spending this precious window of quiet, writing time on the wrong things for the wrong reasons.
Yes, writing this post is making me feel vulnerable!
The good news is, this reflection has enabled me to go into the new year with a commitment to re-establishing my best writing rhythms by cutting out where I was wasting time.
I'm sharing this because I have a feeling some of it will resonate!
What I can control: no longer doing everything else on autopilot
As might be expected - the first thing I am controlling is perhaps the predictable and the mundane.
It is a reminder to actively pause before I automatically start doing chores and planning meals and dealing with the general mess and clutter of family life.
Working from home means too much mess is difficult to ignore; but I hate thinking about how much time and energy I have wasted on these - never-ending and energy draining - jobs because I was 'here'.
In a bid to help myself out of this default - I spent a lot of time doing a pre-emptive and epic declutter last year. This has been freeing for me in many ways. Less stuff is less mess to deal with.
I still struggle with guilt when I don't deal with everything during the day - and this guilt comes from a much tricker emotional place - I really struggle with the fact that my illness has led to periods of time where I am not (yet) earning or not earning (again) or not earning (enough) - in comparison to where I was when I was in a full-time salaried position.
Writing more often - ideally daily - will help with this too; having the books published and moving will be hugely beneficial to my mindset and finally help me to make that identity shift.
More of what I can control: working my way out of my distracting habits
The second major piece of pause work I am embarking on is to undertake a 'low spend year'.
Now what has that got to do with a writing routine?
It is a way to force - and yes I am using that word deliberately - myself to finally (at the age of 45) rid myself of some of my worst, distracting, self-sabotaging habits; those ones that come in the guise of self-soothing and 'little treats' and rewards. It is a way to ensure I am not overwhelmed by clutter again.
I'm talking about shifting wasting my focus and time on activities like shopping for stuff - about consciously pausing each day to eliminate the energy taken up by decision-making - a major drain for me that occurs quickly - in things that may seem incidental.
Some examples of 'stuff' that has stolen my focus and energy from writing more often include; going for a default morning take-away coffee, then taking a 'quick mooch' in the charity shop; to getting lost in an online scroll for stationery or clothing or things for the kids; to nipping out for daily 'top up' grocery shops; to stopping off for daily 'after school treats'; to using the evening glasses of wine to switch off.
I need to stop these for now as it is too easy for me to justify why I do these things - I get out of the house; I'm looking after the kids; I 'deserve' a little treat. But put into a pattern, temporary dopamine hits also actually take a lot out of me because of my chronic pain and fatigue. AND - these are all times that I could have been sitting down and writing and editing.
Isn't a 'low buy' year a bit drastic? Won't it be utterly joyless?
Not necessarily.
I know I need it because engaging in these habits only increased my overwhelm and slowed my progress towards my actual ambitions.
Reclaiming my writing ambition and using writing to get my dopamine hit
I feel refreshed in this pause already - even one week into a new year - taking time to choose not to 'nip out' or scroll online is returning a lot of my focus, energy and time.
While my periods of focus and energy will always be subject to the limitations of illness, I can stop frittering them away. Ouch! But, also yes.
My mood for 2025!
There will also still be 'little treats' - but they will be just that. I'll have days out with my kids; I'll continue with my rekindled love of knitting; I'll get through that TBR pile; I'll work on resting - not zoning out.
I'll choose when I want to spend extra energy on something I love and miss - like walking in nature and jogging.
If any of this resonates - we are definitely not alone in focusing on the wrong things at times.
This is a post inviting you to reclaim your writing ambitions by reclaiming those little bits of time that actually add up to a lot - let's not waste them.
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