I turned 46 this month and as I posted in my last blog, I had intended to be celebrating it with my first cozy mystery in hand - out there published and being read.
Instead, I've been forced to look at why that didn't happen.
Why I missed my own pre-order deadline.
Of course, being chronically ill and in constant pain and battling fatigue and medical side-effects is part of the answer.
But... it's not all that has been going on.
Radical self-accountability when chronically ill
There are other reasons - related, but not completely outwith (yes, I am Scottish, and yes, 'outwith' is an excellent word) my control.
On days when I am being kinder to myself, I'd describe these as coping mechanisms; unhealthy, unhelpful. But borne from burnout.
On less kind days, I'd call them bad habits, procrastination, or self-sabotage.
I'm talking about all the things that we can sometimes do to get in our own way; to not face the harder work; to take the short-term dopamine hit.
I'm not going to talk here about diet & exercise and 'healing' etc - I find this discourse problematic and like I said - I'm not gaslighting myself - but there are times when rotting is not only unhelpful, but it is not even restful.
I'm also talking about what I do to distract myself when I'm feeling to unwell to sit at my desk and write; and here I'm getting candid about my spending on 'stuff' for that quick distraction - clothing; makeup; stationery; books; courses; wine; coffees - all good in moderation and when you can afford them; easily spirally when you take these as your emotional painkillers.
Decluttering: more than just getting rid of stuff
Over the years since I left my full-time employment and as illness meant closing my writing coaching business, I've turned to reselling on Vinted.
What on earth has this to do with writing and self-sabotage, I hear you ask?
Bear with.
On the surface, reselling seems like a no-brainer; you get to make some cash and clear space and do good for the planet. It is 'easy' - upload and post.
However... the reason why I have been able to turn to reselling so often over the years is also part of the bigger problem. And this has been getting in the way of my writing.
The reason I can resell on Vinted - is I have too much stuff.
I buy (even although mainly second hand) too many things; clothing especially. I'm a magpie by nature and chronic illness and being mainly housebound can have me sometimes buying clothing to live out a 'fantasy self' - these fancy things then languish in a wardrobe and I feel more guilt. And a compulsion to radically declutter.
Unfortunately, it's not long before I end up in another accumulate -declutter - resell - accumulate cycle is a lifelong one; I have always turned to consuming clothing (especially second hand) when I am struggling. It's rooted in the inevitable childhood scarcity and the first-generation academic identity crisis.
But that is definitely a story for another day!
So, instead of publishing my first book - I'd got stuck in this dopamine seeking-reselling cycle.
Thing is - if I didn't buy things (I mainly can't afford) - I'd not be in this space.
But it's easy to rationalise and dissect these impulsive habits in the cold light of day.
Perhaps this is the gift of turning 46 and missing my publication deadline; the realisation that I do have to make a concerted effort to stop doing things that make no sense - for my life now.
So - how does this relate to (not) writing?
This relates to not writing and missing my own deadline because it is at the root of my procrastination/avoidance/low self-esteem/imposter syndrome mindset blocks that sometimes plague me.
It is also a cause of my burnout.
I said, reselling is - on paper - easy.
In reality, it's a hassle.
Trying to do it with a chronic illness, brain fog, fatigue and random days of immobility (when you don't drive or have a network) means the actual logistics of reselling are a sure-fire route to burnout. And guilt.
To 'feed the algorhythm' to shift your items, usually means either buying from the app, or continually adding more.
Take this as a free cautionary tale if you are considering reselling.
Simply put - the reasons for my reselling, and any 'returns' from it - burn me out.
And that - look; we got here in the end - is the long story of why I missed my deadline.
I let myself get distracted by other things and burned myself out trying to get myself out of that hole.
Should it have taken until 46 to realise this? Of course not. But I am trying to identify and unpick lifelong unhelpful coping mechanisms.
I'm deciding to give myself some grace - but also, no more get out clauses.
What next: making my words worth it
'No one makes money from their writing'.
It's so often repeated - and it is largely true.
But - as a chronically ill person with a progressive and incurable disease - writing is really my last option of making use of my skills and brain to try to make some kind of an income.
I only know that I will never make money from my writing if I never publish it.
I will never make money from my writing if I don't prioritise publication.
And I make no apology in stating that making an income from my writing is part of my writing goals.
The writing I do - genre, platform, characters, worlds - those are all for the readers.
But it is ok to want to make a living from your work.
Let's go write. x
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