Over the month of March, I decided to take what I called a 'therapeutic writing break'; I was feeling burn out setting in again (from the usual mix of chronic illness; mum life; the long winter months; overwhelm with being an indie author).
My intention was to undertake some 'therapeutic writing' - to take a break from my fiction rewrites and edits - and to simply explore and expand through the process of writing itself without worrying about the end output/words themselves.
I thought this would be in the form of personal/essay style writing; processing the griefs and identity shifts that have come with living with a progressive chronic illness and leaving a career that have been the most vivid markers of the last 5 years of my life.
My plan was to use this time to write essays to restart my Substack account - to have a space where I could share more candid personal essays about the changes happening to me because of illness - and perhaps have some of this behind a paywall and make another additional income stream.
However, that was not what happened...
A break from talking about what I am thinking about writing - and simply writing
What I found will probably not come as any great surprise to anyone reading this; most of what I blog about is in this vein - it is usually the form of a reminder to myself that I need to take steps back more frequently than I do. I share these in case you are also in need of a similar reminder.
So what did happen?
I went back into my journal - pen and paper - and allowed myself to simply vent and dump and ask questions about what was really most important for me at this moment.
I had been avoiding journaling as I sometimes find I can get in a negative rumination cycle (yes - that is usually a big clue that burnout is on the horizon!)
However, I let myself simply 'play' and through this process, I came to the conclusion that what I need to focus on writing now - to completion and through publication - is of course my fiction work.
While I have ideas for essays and my Substack (and a few other non -fiction ideas) - I have to continually remind myself that I now operate on a battery of about 20% of my 'past self' - and that is on a 'good day'.
For now - my focus in the short periods of energy and focus I have has to be my fiction work; I am desperate to put this out in the world and have people read and feedback to me; and to write more.
Why was I trying to spread myself so thinly?
Again, this will be unsurprising to many; fear plays a big role in our own stalling practices and habits. It is that usual ticker tape of doubts constantly scrolling behind our eyes: What if we go after what we really want and it fails? How can we go after what we really want when it doesn't (yet/ever) bring in any 'income'? What if all of this work and hope is not going to bear fruits?
If I have more that one form of writing/income, then I have more chance of 'succeeding' - right?
But what is this succeeding at/as? What does that look like for someone who is unwell and in pain most of the time, everyday? For someone who is also a full-time mum?
My definitions - and metrics - of success are different (from old me - and other writers)
A month of this therapeutic writing - journaling and also using tools like tracking my writing speed and my best writing times and length of 'sprints (in case you are wondering - it's 10 minute sprints between 10am-12 noon - and I can usually get 1-2k out 'vomit style' in those times) - led me to the conclusion/reminder/obvious that I have to follow what I most want; not because of any 'you go babe' mentality, but because I simply cannot spread myself too thinly. If I try to add new and more, I get nothing of the existing completed and my writing ambitions as they are now remain unfulfilled.
The positive effects of a therapeutic writing break
I also want to end on the positive with a 'numbers'/evidence to the benefit of this deep dive, play, rest, write without talking about it, break for me; I managed to produce over 6,000 new words for my fiction.
This was not what I thought a 'break' would entail - I started March fully anticipating writing differently for a different audience.
What I found was, although there are plenty of words that could be those essays; I much preferred relishing in writing my new story worlds and characters. I wanted to be looking forwards more that I found use in reflecting on the past.
This is not to say there is no future in personal essay/memoir for me - it is still one of my favourite genres and I have a lot that could be useful to share - it's just, it's not right for me now.
I also found I wanted to reconnect on socials with people who might like my story world too - those of us looking for some cheer and escapism and some tongue in cheek love letters to the cozy genre.
Perhaps that is the chronic illness in me; I want to find as much and as many pockets of joy as possible. My fiction brings me that.
I also rekindled my love for writing a blog and a newsletter that is focused on readers (and I know many of you are writers too).
In conclusion, my writing continues to be centred on and in my fiction series; this blog and my newsletter for those interested in reading my fiction; and in creating more fun engagement for my social media platforms.
Perhaps I will come back to Substack and memoir in the future. For now, it's not the right priority.
My fiction and letting readers know about it is definitely more than enough to be getting on with.
And it is the right mix for me to get on.
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