Plus-Sized Mukbang Hoes: He Took Me to Red Lobster to Break Up With Me. Now He’s Paying My Rent and Licking My Feet

CARMEN:

He thought he was breaking up with me.

Took me to Red Lobster like I was gonna cry over some dry-ass pasta and a speech he rehearsed in the mirror.

Baby, I ordered the biscuits. I licked the butter off my fingers while he tried to find his spine. I moaned into shrimp linguine and stared that man down while sauce ran down my wrist.

Next thing I know, he’s under my table. Glucking my size five and a half like rent’s due in three hours.

I didn’t even have to raise my voice. Just raised a leg.

Now? I eat like a queen while he cleans the mess. He pays for the seafood, the lace, the lighting, and still begs to be fed scraps off my toes. I built an empire off of mukbangs and moans, and that man’s bank account is my foundation.

Chew on that.

JOHN:

I came to break up.

She came to feast.

I watched her devour a basket of biscuits like she was casting a spell, licking every finger slow while I tried to remember the bullet points I rehearsed.

Then she dipped a shrimp in garlic sauce, sucked it down, and said, “You leaving me before I finish this combo?”

I couldn’t. I didn’t.

Next thing I know, I’m face down in her carpet with cheddar crumbs on my lips and her big toe in my throat.

I used to be an accountant. Now I’m her chair. Her cleaner. Her post-mukbang footrest.

I fund the lobster. I film the moans. I worship every inch she lets me kneel for.

This ain’t love.

It’s devotion.

And I’m never leaving.