Tears of A Suffering Soul

Introduction

Rape, sex, love, and intimacy; I became confused about these terms at an incredibly young age. My body hasn’t been my own since I was fourteen years old. When I was a little girl, I believed in the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and even Santa. Yet, it wasn’t until I met the real Boogie Man that I believed in him too. I was told that girls mature faster than boys before I started my menstrual cycle. Would this help me understand the transformation from boys to men? Would this help me understand my transformation from being a girl into womanhood?

My views on maturity and womanhood were screwed up from the beginning. Even when I didn’t know what it meant to be mature, I felt as if it was something honorable that girls should be happy to become while boys were not required to do so. It sure as hell didn’t help that the moment I got my period, and I barely knew what to expect. Maybe I didn’t work as hard as the grown-up women in my family, but I did housework and helped take care of my cousins as if I was a Mom also. It was almost inevitable that I would crave womanhood before girlhood was over. Is it because womanhood is marketed towards little girls in ways that manhood is never marketed to little boys?

While responsibility is at times taught as an option to boys, it becomes a duty to girls that we must wear on our backs at an early age. When we tell girls that they mature faster than boys, we put the responsibility of patience on their shoulders when many times maturity isn’t the boy’s issue. Sometimes the boy is just evil, selfish, manipulative, and toxic. We women get tired of having to go through life pardoning boys and their poor behaviors simply under the idea that it is just taking him longer to mature.

Women are always expected to have reached and developed the best version of themselves before getting married. We were taught to care for others long before we were taught to care for ourselves. The idea that taking care of others is self-care was deposited into our femininity at a young age. So, I did what I believed I was supposed to do. I was patient with the boys. When they ignored me, I was patient. When they broke my heart, I was patient. When they raped me, left me, impregnated me and even when they beat me, I was patient with the boys.

As I began to mature, I found myself becoming toxic in many areas. Maybe it was because of the shame and guilt that I felt as my innocence was taken away from me at an early age. As I dealt with patience repeatedly, I began feeling lost, hurt, and feeling alone. Was I insane for doing the same things over and over expecting different results?

So, how is it that boys turn into the Boogie Men themselves? How do young girls become a target? Is it because we are reared in broken homes, where there is no father or positive male role models present? Could it even be because there were mothers like myself who reared her children with a tainted heart and a broken soul? I have suffered for many years, and now my healing process has begun. Now, I am ready as I share the tears of my suffering soul.

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