Understanding Attachment: Why We Connect the Way We Do

A free nine page guide to attachment, in plain language.

Attachment theory explains how our earliest relationships shape the way we experience closeness, trust and connection for the rest of our lives. Long before we could put any of it into words, we were working out the answers to a small set of questions. Can I trust other people. Will someone be there when I need them. Is it safe to show what I feel.

The answers became beliefs, and the beliefs became patterns. This guide sets out four of them clearly, without jargon.

What is inside

The four patterns side by side. Secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful avoidant. For each one: the core belief underneath it, how it tends to develop, the thoughts and behaviours that come with it, and what tends to help.

How each one looks from the outside. Usually not how it feels from the inside, which is where a good deal of the trouble in relationships starts.

What happens under pressure. Every pattern behaves differently when the stakes go up.

Whether it can change, and roughly how.

Five questions to sit with, and a line under each pattern to note where you recognise it.

A note on what this is not

Attachment styles are not personality types and they are not diagnoses. They are learned patterns of responding that developed to help you feel safe and connected. Most people recognise pieces of themselves in more than one, and a style can look different from one relationship to another.

Written by Soraya McLellan, a BACP registered therapist in private practice. This guide supports the work done in therapy. It does not replace it.

Free to download.