The Dumb and the Desperate (script and license)

The Dumb And The Desperate ....the Craven Morehead Murders **

In the picturesque Victorian village of Craven Morehead, New Jersey, all is not as it appears. The town's most prominent citizens are embroiled in various and sundry sordid escapades. The community is enveloped in jealousy, deception and conspiracy. Suddenly, at the annual Women’s Club fundraising event, someone becomes very dead. There clearly is a murderer among us! All the classic soap fun is here: amnesia, a quack doctor, good/evil twins, and a battery-enhanced romance! Your cast and audience alike, will have hysterical fun with The Dumb and the Desperate.

Dr. Richard Fitzwell * : Arrogant plastic surgeon of choice among the ritzy residents of Craven Morehead. Quite the ladies man and anything but monogamous. Extremely shady in his business dealings.

Leslie Fitzwell *: Richard’s rather flamboyant twin brother. He returns to Craven Morehead after years among the missing. An actor by profession, he has had little success. He has a pronounced lisp and tends to spatter when he speaks. This may explain his difficulty in finding work as an actor. He hopes to launch a new career in tv/ radio advertising, with financial backing from his brother.

Ditzy Doodle Fitzwell: Richard’s wife. Snobby socialite. President of the Craven Morehead Arts Council, Women’s Club, and Gardening Alliance. She was Richard’s high school sweetheart and helped put him through medical school. She suspects he may be unfaithful but has no idea to the extent. She may have a drinking problem.

Fanny Foreman-Fenimore-Ford-Fallwell-Fitzwell: Richard’s estranged step-mother. Has been married five times. An heir to the Ford automotive fortune. She recently sustained a head injury causing amnesia. In spite of this, she has retained her lifelong nymphomaniacal tendencies.

Lorelai Testibuster: Richard’s nurse. Competent and efficient. Likes to be in charge. Rumored to be a distant cousin of Eva Braun. Knows exactly how to put Richard in his place. And he likes it.

Wally Buttonputter: Owner of the Craven Morehead Inn, site of the Annual Valentine’s Day Dinner Dance. Speaks in a high pitched falsetto. He is an old classmate of Richard’s, and is heavily in his financial debt. In addition he is now seeking Richard’s professional services.

Bonita Buttonputter: Walter’s wife. Manages the Inn. Sexually frustrated. Always teetering near the edge. Owner of an eclectic collection of noise-toys.

Honey Bangham Brightly: Craven Morehead real estate agent. Very successful, providing “personal service” with every transaction. Loves the art of the deal.

Heidi Harrison Holmes: Richard’s neighbor and a leading attorney in Craven Morehead. She has represented Richard on many occasions and has extricated him from numerous complications. She has also been the object of numerous sexual advances from Richard, which she has, so far, managed to evade.

Holden Holmes: Heidi’s husband. Has had many careers. He has lived off Heidi for most of their marriage but has suddenly acquired new optimism about the future. He is currently in the midst of brokering a huge development deal.

Corey Columbo: Waiter/bartender at the Craven Morehead Inn. Working his way through the Hoboken School of Detective Arts.

* We highly recommend the same actor portray both Richard and Leslie.

** This script is recommended for an adult audience.