An Acquired Taste
During a discussion at school about what parents did for a living the teacher asked one boy what his dad’s job was and the lad said, "My Dad runs the local fire station. He's the station officer." The teacher said, "That’s excellent Simon. Your Dad’s got a very responsible job.” The teacher then asked the boy sat next to him what his dad did and the boy said, “My dad drives an ambulance. He’s in charge of the local ambulance service.” And the teacher said, “That’s fantastic Bobby. Well done.” The teacher then asked another boy what his dad did and the boy replied, “My dad runs the local prison.” And the teacher said, “Excellent, Johnny! Is he the prison governor?” And Johnny said, “No Miss - he's the hardest cunt in there!"
The first time I was sent to jail I took it really badly. I refused to eat or drink. I lashed out and spat and swore at anyone who came near me. I threw chairs and tables around the room. I even smeared my own faeces all over the walls. After that we never played Monopoly ever again in our house! I nearly died once playing Monopoly. I was eating a banana as we were playing it and a piece got stuck in my throat. I was choking and I couldn’t breathe and I collapsed face down on the board. My wife rang an ambulance straight away and when the call handler asked her where I was my wife looked down at me sprawled across the board and said, “Well his head’s on Park Lane, his arms are on Pall Mall, his legs are on the Old Kent Road and his bollocks are at Fenchurch Street Station!”
I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two kids and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen and the kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed, and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, “It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock that big!”
They were just jokes. Obviously! Which relate to stories in the book. Though Mick Halliwell has been in prison. And a huge dildo didn’t really fall out of the back of a bin lorry and bounce off Mick’s windscreen as he was driving behind it with his wife and kids. And his youngest didn’t say that either. Though if Mick was driving behind a bin lorry with his wife and kids and a huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen Mick’s youngest probably would come out with something like that!
Brought up on a tough council estate in the north of England, Mick Halliwell learnt young that life wasn’t a bed of roses. And that it was mostly booze, abuse, sadness and violence. And somehow finding something about it all to laugh at - even in the darkest moments. And after being brought up by a strict domineering alcoholic dad who committed suicide, and being callously beaten to a pulp at school by one teacher and sexually accosted by another ‘nonce’ teacher, and caring for his mum through the awfulness and “horrors” of dementia until the day she died, Mick learnt all about the facts of life a lot sooner than most people do. And with having gone through such traumatic events it’s not surprising he ended up going down the path he did. A path that led to him mixing with dangerous criminals and multiple murderers, being sent to prison, seeing his best friend shot dead in a gangland hit, see sex offenders lose their eyes after being viciously attacked in their prison cell with spear like broom handles, and seeing firsthand just how easy it is to get drawn into the world of drugs. (And once involved in that world how hard it is to get out of it.) And add to that arrange meetings for stars of Hollywood to meet well known UK underworld figures to help them prepare for film roles, be attacked with meat cleavers and machetes, be wrongfully arrested - and then taking the police on, and winning, and in the process of doing so finding out for himself that without question there really is two-tier policing in this country, and confront notorious paedophiles after catching one eyeing up his young daughter (what a mistake that nonce made) it’d be fair to say that not many people have led the kind of life that Mick has led. Not many would want to either!!
Told with brutal honesty, zero self-pity, and absolutely no filter, Mick’s book is packed with shocking true-life events, disturbing encounters, damaged people, and the kind of stories you couldn’t make up if you tried. Written with razor-sharp humour, the stories swing from the savage and the cruel to the side splittingly funny - often in the same paragraph. And with moments of hate, moments of tragedy, and moments of utter madness, if you enjoy gritty true-life stories this is a book you won’t forget in a hurry. And it’s a book that ordinary, everyday people will resonate with.
Imagine Guy Ritchie’s MobLand, The Gentleman, and Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, along with The Sopranos and Line of Duty rolled into one with the Inbetweeners and Borat running around in the middle of it all causing chaos. That’ll give you some kind of idea of what Mick’s book is like!
From the frightening to the fascinating to the sadistic and the shocking, and from the horrific to the hilarious to the heartbreaking and the inhumane, Mick’s stories will have you crying, cringing, wincing, wailing and lost for words. His stories will have you in stitches laughing too. And several people required stitches during the writing of one or two of them!
So why not put your feet up (unlike the fella in the sticks and stones story you’ll still be able to walk when you put them back down again) and read a book that will have you laughing hysterically one minute and emotionally concerned the next.
Story titles include
Just Be Yourself. And If People Don’t Like You For Who You Are Then Fuck ‘Em
Polly Put The Kettle On. And When It’s Boiled Pour It All Over Your Husband’s Bollocks
Hickory Dickory Dock, My Wife Sliced Off My Cock!
Strangeways Here We Come
Old Mac Donald Had A Cannabis Farm
Only Fools And Horse Steroids
The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round And When The Bus Stops A Paedophile Gets On
The Worried Wizard Of Aus (Those Machetes Can Do A Lot Of Damage)
Sticks And Stones Will Break Your Bones But Concrete Lintels Do A Far Better Job
Live By The Sword Die By The Bullet
And That Pretty Much Sums Dementia Up
Excuse Me. Do You Know Your Husband’s Fly’s Are Undone And Half Of His Cock’s Hanging Out?
If In Doubt Don’t Fuck About. Get To The Doctors And Get Your Prostate Checked Out. A Finger Up The Arse Is Better Than A Nail In Your Coffin (Like Pete Ended Up Having In His)
Snow White And The Seven Well Hung Dwarfs
How To Scare Your Kids Shitless At Bedtime (It’s A Dad Thing)
You Wait Eight Days For A Copper To Come And Then Five Turn Up At Once
Reality Television? I’d Rather Sandpaper My Balls
I’m A Celebrity! You’re Also A Tight Cunt!!
Regret: How A Moment Of Rage Left One Man Dead, Left Three Kids Without A Dad, And Shattered The Lives Of Two Families
You’ve Called Your Dog Gary Glitter? Yes, He Loves Playing With Kids!
Three scripts based on the book are also to be written. One is a drama based on the story ‘Regret’. The other is a gangland drama based on the story Live By The Sword Die By The Bullet, and other similar stories that are in the book. And the third is a comedy/drama based on the book itself. The book is also helping raise awareness for prostate cancer. The story about Mick’s mate Pete will no doubt encourage more men to go to the doctors if they think something might be wrong. (It’ll be far more effective than any campaign Prostate Cancer UK do that’s for sure.)
And remember, don’t take life too seriously. Have a laugh and a joke and live life to the full and make every second count. Because out of the blue life will kick you right in the bollocks.
Can be read on a phone, tablet, laptop, iPad, Kindle etc.