So You Think You Know Rugby

Don't want to appear an idiot?

Everyone’s confused by rugby: the players can see the tip of their nose out of one eye only, the ref is wondering what 90 degrees means for throw ins – just like the hooker, and the spectators have been told different things by different people. Just hink how cool it would make you feel if you could answer just a couple of questions your young lad or lass asks. 

So You’ve Never Played Rugby (Union of course, the only rugby) explains the game for those of us who have been less than accurate about our youth and are, perhaps, taking a 7-year-old to a match and don’t want to appear an idiot. 

There are many in the stands who share your concerns. There will be some on the pitch as well, and I’ve seen the occasional rugby ref . . . With this book you can bullshit yourself through 80 minutes of any match and appear a hero to your child.

Say phrases like: ‘Kicking away touch’, ‘The twenty five yard line’ and ‘You’re not allowed to say that about the ref, even if he deserves it’. You child will be in awe of your, as will most spectators in earshot. 

Do not be concerned regarding what’s going on on the pitch. This New Rugby can be confusing if the last time you watched it Eddie Waring was commentating. Many of the old traditions remain, as evidenced by Farrell, but whilst it is still somewhat manly in intent, the book shows you what is still acceptable and what might bring you to the attention of the ref, the committee or the police. 

The book is useful for all levels, from a spectator new to the game, through players, refs who are hurt by the spectators’ comments, and commentators will discover what they’ve been missing all these years. 

It’s raining. It’s soft underfoot. There’s a wind at your back and your coat is getting soaked. Your cigarette won’t stay alight. The beer is getting watered down. Your family have returned to the clubhouse, but as your child is playing on a remote pitch, one of you has to stay, and that one is you.

I was videoing a match my son was playing in on a clear, freezing February. Steam rose from individual players and it looked like the scrums and rucks were being played out in cloud. Then the zoom stopped working. I returned to the clubhouse during half time, tried the zoom lever, and it worked. Back pitch-side, after 15 minutes it failed again. I later found my breath was freezing and blocking the base of the lever.

Watching rugby can be so much fun. They tell me.