Entry No. 4
Looking back
Thinking about raising boys while still figuring myself out.
Raising boys as a single mother is not for the weak. It just is not.
I had my own issues from childhood that carried over into adulthood. That part is real. People are not lying when they say you can turn into your parents if you are not paying attention. I paid attention. I promised myself I would parent differently or at least try to.
Was I perfect? No.
Did I have a temper? Yes.
Did I take things out on my kids? Absolutely not.
Now listen, as they got older, they tried my entire soul more times than I can count. That part is funny now, but it was real then. I fussed. I yelled sometimes. I spanked when they were younger, although not nearly as often as some people probably thought I should. After a while, spanking felt pointless. It did not teach what needed to be taught. It just burned energy I did not have to spare.
And I had to preserve my energy.
I was not a gentle parent. I will never pretend I was. However, I did make it a point, especially as they got older, to talk things through. I wanted them to understand what went wrong, not just that they were in trouble. I would ask them how they thought they could have handled things differently. I wanted them to think, not just react (something I battled with well into my 40's).
They were grounded plenty. I hated grounding them. It was just us. If they were grounded, we were all grounded. There was no escape from it. Just four walls and whatever mood we were all stuck sitting in together.
Money was always tight. I almost always had a part time job or some side hustle going, trying to create moments for us. Going out to eat. Doing something fun. Buying things that were not necessities. I wanted them to feel like life was more than just getting by.
There are moments now where I think I should have saved more, but then there are moments where I think, YOLO. Because while not everything costs, most things do and when I had the chance to go all out, even just a little, I usually did.
I do not know where these thoughts are leading yet. I just know this.
I raised boys while still healing myself.
I did the best I could with what I had.
And we made it through together.
That counts for something.
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