Practical advice for anyone in a relationship with an avoidant—or if YOU are the avoidant.

I spent nine years loving someone who kept pulling away. I was always waiting—waiting for him to text back, waiting for him to open up, waiting for the moment he’d finally choose me the way I chose him.

There were glimpses of closeness, moments when I thought, this is it, we’re finally breaking through. But just as quickly, he’d pull away again—cold, distant, unreachable. And every time, it hurt just as much as the first.

I convinced myself that if I was patient, if I loved him right, if I made myself easier to love, he’d feel safe enough to stay. But instead, I lost myself in the process.

If you’re stuck in this cycle, I see you. I know the exhaustion of questioning everything, of feeling like you’re too much and never enough at the same time. I know what it’s like to pour love into someone and feel like they only take just enough to keep you holding on.

But here’s the truth I wish I had learned sooner: Love alone isn’t enough to make someone stay.

These are the 7 most important lessons I learned after loving an avoidant for nine years. Lessons that, had I known sooner, would have saved me so much pain.

I hope they help you find the clarity I wish I had.

1. Love Alone Won’t Make Them Stay

I told myself:

"He’s scared of love. If I just show him I’m not going anywhere, he’ll open up."

"He doesn’t mean to pull away. He just needs time."

"If I give him space now, he’ll come back closer."

But here’s what I learned the hard way: love alone won’t change an avoidant. No matter how much love I gave, it didn’t erase his fears. No matter how much I reassured him, it didn’t make him want to be close. I was willing to fight for the relationship—but he wasn’t.

Why Love Isn’t Enough:

• Avoidants don’t pull away because they don’t feel loved. They pull away because love feels overwhelming.
• They don’t stay because of how much you love them—they stay when they decide they are ready to be in a relationship.
• No amount of love, patience, or reassurance will change someone who isn’t willing to work through their own fears.

What to Do Instead:

✔ Stop believing your love can "fix" them. Love is powerful, but it won’t undo years of emotional avoidance.

✔ Pay attention to their actions, not just words. Are they showing up for you, or are you always left waiting?

✔ Ask yourself: Am I the only one trying to make this work? A healthy relationship requires effort from both people.

2. Chasing Them Only Pushes Them Further Away

Avoidants don’t need more proof of your love. They need to feel like they have a choice to come close on their own. The more you chase, the more they feel pressured—and avoidants respond to pressure by pulling away even further.

Why Chasing Doesn’t Work:

• Avoidants withdraw because closeness feels overwhelming, not because they’re testing you.
• When you chase, they feel trapped instead of comforted.
• The more you try to hold onto them, the more they associate the relationship with stress instead of safety.

What to Do Instead:

✔ Give them space—but not at your own expense. Let them reach out when they’re ready, but don’t put your life on pause.

✔ Regulate your own emotions. Instead of spiraling, focus on calming yourself without needing their reassurance.

✔ Let them take responsibility for the relationship. If they value you, they will come back—on their own.

3. If They Can’t Meet Your Needs, You Have Two Choices

If your partner repeatedly can’t (or won’t) meet your emotional needs, you have two choices:

Choice 1: Accept the Relationship As It Is

• Stop trying to change them and accept that this is who they are.
• Recognize that the relationship will likely never provide the level of emotional connection you need.
• Ask yourself: Can I truly be happy this way long-term?

Choice 2: Choose Yourself and Walk Away

• Accept that they are not capable of meeting your emotional needs, and that’s not something you should have to fix.
• Acknowledge that you deserve a relationship where your needs are not seen as burdens.
• Realize that walking away is not giving up—it’s choosing a love that doesn’t require you to sacrifice yourself.

For years, I thought that leaving meant I had failed—but in reality, staying in a relationship where I was constantly unfulfilled and anxious was the real failure. I had to learn that loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept less than you deserve.

What to Do Instead:

✔ Be honest with yourself. Are you truly okay with the way things are, or are you waiting for them to change?

✔ Stop managing their emotions and start prioritizing your own. Your needs matter, too.

✔ Give yourself permission to want more. You are not asking for too much—you are asking for the bare minimum in a healthy relationship.

4. An Avoidant Partner Will Not Reassure You—You Have to Reassure Yourself

Avoidant partners don’t give reassurance because they don’t know how to, not because they don’t care. And even if they did—no amount of their reassurance would ever be enough if I didn’t know how to reassure myself first.

Why Avoidants Struggle to Reassure You

• They avoid deep emotional conversations because they weren’t taught how to handle emotions—their own or yours.
• They fear that if they give too much, they will be trapped in your expectations.
• They don’t always understand why you need reassurance, because they’ve spent their lives relying only on themselves.

What I Learned Instead:

✔ Reassurance has to come from within. If you rely on them to calm your fears, you will always be chasing after their validation.

✔ Their emotional distance does NOT mean you are unworthy of love. Avoidant partners withdraw to protect themselves—not to punish you.

✔ Self-soothing is your superpower. Learning how to regulate your own emotions means you don’t have to wait for them to make you feel okay.

How to Reassure Yourself (Instead of Waiting for Them)

1. When you feel anxious, pause before reaching out. Ask yourself: Am I looking for a response, or do I just need to feel safe?
2. Ground yourself with facts: Has this pattern happened before? Is this really about me, or is this just how they cope?
3. Repeat to yourself: "I am worthy of love, even when they pull away."

I won’t lie—learning to self-soothe was one of the hardest things I ever did. But once I stopped depending on his reassurance, something incredible happened: I no longer felt powerless in the relationship. I didn’t need to beg for closeness, because I learned how to feel secure on my own.

And that changed everything.

5. Walking on Eggshells Won’t Keep Them Close

For years, I thought if I just said the right things, if I avoided bringing up difficult conversations, if I never made them uncomfortable, my avoidant partner would finally feel safe enough to stay.

I told myself:

"I don’t want to pressure them."

"Maybe if I let this go, things will get better."

"If I ask for too much, they’ll leave."

So, I stayed quiet when I needed reassurance.

I ignored my own feelings to keep the peace.

I pretended I was okay with less than I really wanted.

But here’s what I learned the hard way: Shrinking yourself won’t make them love you more. It will only make you lose yourself.

Why Walking on Eggshells Doesn’t Work:

• Avoidants don’t stay because you suppress your emotions—they stay when they choose to stay.
• If you keep avoiding difficult conversations, nothing ever gets resolved—the distance will just grow.
• The more you minimize your needs, the more you train yourself to accept less than you deserve.

What I Learned Instead:

✔ Your feelings are just as important as theirs. If something is upsetting you, you have a right to talk about it.

✔ Avoiding conflict won’t create closeness. True intimacy comes from honest communication, not silence.

✔ If they leave because you spoke your truth, they were never fully in the relationship to begin with.

How to Stop Walking on Eggshells:

1. Express your needs without fear. Start small: “I need more consistency in communication. Can we work on that together?”
2. Notice when you’re holding back. Ask yourself: Am I avoiding this conversation because I’m afraid of their reaction?
3. Remind yourself: You don’t have to be “easier” to be loved. The right person will handle your emotions with care, not avoidance.

6. You Deserve Love That Feels Secure, Not Like a Test

I was always guessing where I stood—never fully secure, never fully chosen. And the saddest part? I thought this was just how love was.

Until one day, I asked myself: Would I want my best friend to feel this way in a relationship? The answer was no.

Love Isn’t Meant to Feel Like a Test

✔ Love is consistency, not confusion. If you’re always questioning where you stand, something isn’t right.

✔ Love is safety, not anxiety. It shouldn’t feel like you’re walking a tightrope, afraid of doing something "wrong."

✔ Love is mutual, not one-sided. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to choose you.

What to Do Instead:

1. Stop trying to “win” their love. Love isn’t a prize—it’s a connection that flows both ways.
2. Recognize when you’re being tested. If you feel like you’re constantly being measured or compared, step back and ask: Do I feel emotionally safe here?
3. Give yourself permission to want more. You are not asking for too much—you are asking for what you deserve.

7. You Deserve More Than Just “Almost Love”

For years, I thought I had only two choices: stay and keep fighting for love, or walk away and lose everything we built. Both felt unbearable.

I feared leaving would mean giving up on love. But I also feared that staying meant giving up on myself.

But here’s what I’ve learned: this isn’t about choosing them or choosing yourself. It’s about choosing the kind of love you truly want to experience.

Love shouldn’t be a constant guessing game. It shouldn’t leave you feeling like you are too much or never enough at the same time. And most importantly, love shouldn’t require you to abandon your own needs just to keep someone close.

But that doesn’t mean the answer is simple.

Some people will read this book "Love (or Leave) Your Avoidant Partner Without Tearing Your Heart Apart," and decide that their relationship, though challenging, is worth staying and working through together. Others will realize that they’ve been holding onto hope that is no longer serving them. Both choices are valid. Both choices take strength.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to love. The only thing that matters is this:

👉 Are you honoring yourself in the process?

👉 Are you growing, or just surviving?

👉 Do you feel loved, or are you just trying to prove you are worthy of love?

If you decide to stay:

• Make sure your needs are not being ignored.
• Set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.
• Know the difference between compromise and self-sacrifice.

If you decide to leave:

• Remember that letting go is not failure—it’s choosing the love you actually want.
• Trust that real, secure love does exist.
• Know that healing takes time, but you are not alone in this journey.

At the end of the day, this book wasn’t about leaving or staying. It was about helping you see clearly, so you can make the choice that brings you peace. Because the most important lesson I’ve learned is this:

💛 You don’t have to lose yourself to love someone else.

Whatever you decide—you deserve love that feels safe, steady, and real.

You Deserve a Love That Feels Secure

Loving an avoidant partner can feel like trying to hold onto something that keeps slipping through your fingers. You give more, try harder, and wait patiently—hoping that one day, they’ll finally stay close. But after years of chasing, questioning, and losing myself in the process, I learned a truth I wish I had known sooner:

💛 Love should not feel like a test.

💛 You don’t have to earn someone’s consistency.

💛 You are not too much for the right person.

Each of these lessons came from my own painful journey of loving, waiting, and finally choosing myself. Whether you decide to stay and work through it, or let go and heal, the most important thing is this: you deserve a love that feels steady, not like something you have to hold together on your own.

👉 If these lessons spoke to you, my books,

"Love (or Leave) Your Avoidant Partner Without Tearing Your Heart Apart"

"Overcome Relationship Anxiety in Just One Week"

will help you navigate this journey—without losing yourself in the process.

📖 Go check it out now! 💛